Cartoon Violence Never Once Got Busy In A Burger King Bathroom
Each week, the Comics Curmudgeon helps explain Today's Cartoons.
Hey, Wonkette readers! Did you know that there's a little bit of a scandal brewing over in the Congress? Something about a Republican Senator cruising for hot gay sex in airport restrooms? Ringing a bell? Maybe? No?
Your Comics Curmudgeon has taken a keen interest in this scandal. It's not because I like to cruise for gay sex in public restrooms ('cause I don't, OK?), but because I'm going to be flying commercially over the next few days. And if it isn't bad enough that I have to worry about the terrorism and the crying babies and the power-mad TSA agents and the blood clots in my legs, now I also have to worry that, just because I have a wide stance and God forbid might need to pick something up off the floor, I might give some cruiser the wrong idea (and I'm not as tough as Tucker Carlson) or, worse, give some pretty-boy undercover cop the wrong idea. Modern life -- it's so complicated!
Anyway, this news story has naturally caught the fancy of the political cartooning community, because it allows them to draw two of their favorite things: toilets, and elephants having sex. We present to you their offerings, in escalating levels of outrageous toilet-sex action.
Squick factor: Low. You can't even see the toilet, and all signs point to it being put to one of the uses that God and Thomas Crapper intended for it (which is to say urination, defecation, or metaphor). But take a look at this pair cracking wise outside the bathroom. The fact that the ostensible female of the pair towers over the male with an enormous beehive says only one thing: drag queen! Specifically, a fabulous drag queen disgusted by Larry Craig's sad, closeted little life.
Squick factor: Low, unless you're a really uptight elephant-headed prude who freaks out at the site of two similarly gendered stick figures holding hands! The hand-made scotch-taped sign gives off less a whiff of "sordid coupling in public toilets" than of "hilarious freshman dorm prank." No doubt an extremely high Larry Craig is back in his dorm room right now, giggling furiously. Those kids on the fourth floor! They're always messing with the poor residence advisor's mind! Just because he wears suits all the time! And is a half-elephant beast-man!
Squick factor: Mild. You're not seeing anything, but you know what's going on with that suitcase down on the floor like that (or at least you do now, even if you didn't four days ago). Still and all, what with all the horrible crimes against humanity and good taste that have been perpetrated in the Dirksen Office Building, a little innocent anonymous man-on-man action would probably actually raise the happiness and karma levels in that hellish place.
Squick factor: Middling. I have to say that for me, one of the grossest aspects of anonymous airport bathroom stall sex is the thought that you have to crawl around on the repulsive public restroom floor. That may be what Craig is doing here, which is bad enough, but it actually looks like he lacks any kind of spinal column and is just oozing, worm-like, under the divider, somehow holding himself and his enormous head off of the tile. The coquettish way that the non-Craig viewpoint character is crossing one foot over the other is of course its own, separate problem.
Squick factor: High. OH MY GOD THOSE ELEPHANTS ARE GOING TO DO IT RIGHT THERE IN THE BATHROOM! Unlike humans, who you can expect to at least attempt some discretion in the conduct of their restroom-stall tryst, elephants are huge, lumbering, multi-ton beasts who will probably destroy the stall dividers and plumbing fixtures in the course of their violent coupling, their loud trumpets terrifying and deafening innocent travellers who just want to take a dump. And then there's the musth. Dear God, the musth.
Squick factor: Very high. Pretty much like the last one, except that instead of two elephants, it's an elephant and some dude. Some poor, poor dude. --THE COMICS CURMUDGEON