Cartoon Violence: Now It Can Be Told
Happy Memorial Day! Depending on whether the CAPITOL HILL MAYBE SHOOTING can keep our interest much longer, we at Wonkette will probably be taking the rest of the day off. But our nation's cartoonists don't have that option -- news can break any time, and it's not going to take cheap, easy shots at itself, you know.
So, as we do every Friday, we've brought in the Comics Curmudgeon to comb through Today's Cartoons and analyze them for your amusement. Corruption, intelligence, controversy, and dead guys, after the jump.
Do cartoons have importance in the real world? Yesterday I was sadly caught in the middle of a fender bender at the intersection between comics and reality. As any comics aficionado knows, the Houston Chronicle has simply the best collection of comics online. Yet on Thursday thousands in search of their afternoon Hi and Lois fix were stymied: it seems the paper's Web site went to a "low graphics" version to accommodate the influx of Schadenfreude-fueled traffic in the wake of local boys Skilling and Lay getting convicted. Wasn't it enough that they lied, cheated, and stole so that they could have solid gold boxer shorts and mountaintop fortresses shaped like supermodels -- but now they've ruined the comics too!
Also, apparently in Iran a newspaper ran a cartoon depicting the Azeri minority there as cockroaches, resulting in marches, riots, and the arrest of the cartoonist. This got essentially zero press in the West, since nobody here knows what an "Azeri" is. Sorry, guys! Too bad you aren't Jews!
Anyway, cartoons here aren't generating that kind of "buzz." Heck, they're taking back seats to chumps that we all knew were guilty years ago! That's why the following cartoonists are kicking it up a notch: they're revealing shocking truths that will shake you to your core! So read on, if your core can withstand the vibration.
Shocking truth: CONGRESSMEN ARE BEING BRIBED WITH BAGS OF MONEY WITH DOLLAR SIGNS ON THEM!
The rest of the story: Congress is an august institution with a long and storied history of malfeasance. So when you bribe a Congressman, you want to do it in classic style: Burlap bag, tied at the top, big dollar sign on the side. A fashionable dangling string is optional. Don't try to get fancy with your bribing style. Neatly stacked bills in a briefcase? A little too Sopranos. Discreet wire transfer to a Swiss bank account? No panache. Giant novelty check? Who are you, Ed McMahon?
Shocking truth: GENERAL MICHAEL HADEN CROSSES HIS LEGS LIKE A GIRL!
The rest of the story: Word has it that he also spies like a wimp, tortures like a wuss, lies to Congress like a girly man, and arranges assassinations like a pussy.
Shocking truth: TODAY'S TEENS ARE COKEHEADS!
The rest of the story: Man, I remember my prom. We were all doing Coke beforehand, of course -- my date was drinking Diet, but I was quaffing the Real Thing all the way, baby. Later, some guys in our limo were passing around some Mello Yello. I took a hit to be social, but that was a little much, even for me. Good times, good times. I worry about the kids today, though -- do you know a lot of them will have two or three cans of Coke Zero even before they get to the prom? That shit will fuck you up, for real.
Shocking truth: THE GOP ELEPHANT HAS NO ORGANS OR BONES, JUST AN UNDIFFERENTIATED SPONGY PINK INTERIOR MUSH!
The rest of the story: Seriously, this is one of the freakiest things I've ever seen. Dubya's steadfast opposition to human-animal hybrids is clearly just a sideshow distracting us from some sort of horrifying elephant genetic enhancement program. You just watch: each of these elephant halves is going to expand until there are two elephants! They're unstoppable!
Shocking truth: WORLD WAR I VETS ARE BEING KIDNAPPED BY OLD-TIMEY BANK ROBBERS!
The rest of the story: Actually, some of the codgers look like they're sort of enjoying it. "Whee! Whee! It's just like going over the top at the Somme, without the mustard gas! Whee!" These fellows defeated the Kaiser; shouldn't we let them have their fun, no matter how strange it looks to us non-centenarians?
Shocking truth: JIMMY HOFFA HAS BEEN REINCARNATED AS A FOUL-MOUTHED GOPHER!
The rest of the story: At first, I actually thought that was supposed to be a cussin' beaver. But then I said, "Beaver? That makes no sense! I mean, what the hell! Beaver! Pfff." Yeah, it's clearly a gopher, which obviously is totally logical and not at all baffling. Yep. Gopher. Yessir. --COMICS CURMUDGEON