Cartoon Violence Wants to Know Why You're Always Bringing It Down, Man

Wasn't is supposed to be raining still? We were promised terrifying, apocalyptic storms for the rest of the month. Instead, it seems kinda nice out, which certainly doesn't help you get into the mood necessary to enjoy this week's investigation of Today's Cartoons. Because today, Today's Cartoons are all about gloom. It's a depressing little pity-party in editorial cartoonland today, and resident cartoon expert the Comics Curmudgeon is here to wallow in despair with you.


After the jump: War, terror, ennui, and robot sex.

You know why they call 'em the "funny pages"? 'Cause they're supposed to be funny, dammit! You know, back in the good old days, we enjoyed comic strips about mischievous scamps and their dogs, kooky sailors and their scrawny girlfriends, and malapropising cats and the brick-throwing mice they love. Today, though, the comics are just darn depressing. I mean, Funky Winkerbean is all cancer, cancer, cancer, B.C. keeps trying to chew your ear off about Jesus, and Doonesbury is one big amputeefest. And don't even get me started on this so-called Classic Peanuts. Get those kids some prozac, stat!

You'd think that, what with all the hilarious antics put out there every day by our elected representatives, political cartoonists could manage to pick up the slack and bring the funny. Why, we here at Wonkette do that every day! We dance like little monkeys for your amusement! Is it too much to ask for the editorial cartoonists to do the same?

Apparently it is. Here are some of the week's bleakest.

01dog.gifDepressing message: The world is such a bleak place, the only way to hold on to a shred of happiness is to be a dumb beast!

Life stinks: Jeez, look at those worry lines around this fellow's eyes. It's like if Linus Van Pelt was forty, and hadn't slept in eight days. I don't even know what "Earth's tipping point" is, but it sure sounds bad. Dude's so depressed, he doesn't even care that he's wearing black t-shirt with a single white sleeve. "The world's going to hell, so what does it matter how stupid I look?"

Buck up, little camper: The squinting eyes, the rapidly shaking tail: that dog sure does look happy. Either that, or it's crapping on the rug. Which would be hilarious! Ah, I love life's little feces-stained foibles.

02wage.gifDepressing message: Poor people: They exist. Some of them are babies.

Life stinks: Babies! I mean, whoda thunk there were poor babies? They aren't old enough for it to be somehow their own fault! But there they are, with their little sippy cups out, waiting for a minimum-wage allotment of delicious apple juice. Breaks your damn heart.

Buck up, little camper: Though they exist in a melancholy world of baby blue and white, at least the poor have their dignity: You would never see a poor person walking around with a little man-purse.

03war.gifDepressing message: No matter what we do in Iraq, we're fucked.

Life stinks: Have you ever seen a gloomier pair of faces than those on George and John here? They know that American and Iraq are locked in a deadly embrace, with no options in the immediate future other than destruction, death, and political backlash at the hands of enraged American and Iraqi voters. Extra depressing for John Kerry is that the artist felt a need to label him, despite the fact that he has one of the most easily recognizable and caricatured faces in American politics and convinced 59 million people to vote for him just 18 months ago.

Buck up, little camper: Hey, Iraq sucks, but at least we don't have to live there. What's that? You say the Internet is international and some people who do have to live there might be reading this? Well, then, at least I don't have to live there.

04kfc.gifDepressing message: KFC's FC is delicious ... but it'll kill ya!

Life stinks: As if it isn't good enough that hardened criminals get free cable TV and porno magazines and weight room privileges and snappy orange jumpsuits and lawyers, now they're getting all the fried chicken, while those of us on the outside have to make do with tofu and bean sprouts and all that healthy crap.

Buck up, little camper: The Catholic Church has apparently replaced its outdated "bible" with the Center for Science in the Public Interest's cookbook. Praise be!

05gore.gifDepressing message: Al and Tipper Gore have depressing, mechanical sex!

Life stinks: Does this mean that even Bob and Libby Dole have a better sex life than the Gores, even if it is pharmaceutically enhanced? I gotta say that Al doesn't look that much more excited than Tipper. Why do we always blame the robots for everything?

Buck up, up little camper: GORE-BOT 2008 WILL FEATURE IMPROVED GENITAL STIMULATION FIRMWARE. YOUR WIVES AND DAUGHTERS ARE NOT SAFE FROM GORE-BOT 2008. HA HA HA HA. --THE COMICS CURMUDGEON

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