Cartoon Violence Would Like To Think That It's Classier Than This

Had a long week? Let Today's Cartoons cheer you up, with their cheerful, hilarious caricatures and subtle wit! Or, as resident cartoon expert the Comics Curmudgeon explores this week, with thinly-veiled profanity and bizarre toilet humor. Same difference, in the end.

After the jump: Dogs peeing on congress and sexually harassing children, the f-bomb, and some serious monster-related creepiness. Enjoy.

Remember the good old days, when everyone was polite? You know, when political debate consisted of the 8th Duke of Haversham getting in a dig at the 11th Earl of Huntington-on-Stoke over dinner that was so subtle and full of literary allusions that you needed a graduate degree to understand it? So, so far gone are those days, with the red-faced shouting on TV and the insults and the CURSE WORDS and the hey hey. We bow our heads in shame at the cesspool that our discourse has become.

And of course, those bottom-feeders in the cartoon world are right there at the forefront of this coarseness. Oh, they'll jape and poke and squeal like so many submoronic monkeys! This week in Cartoon Violence: cartoons that are mean, rude, and just plain crude.

01gop.gifCrudeness: Dog piss.

How crude is it?: Pretty crude, but it provides a valuable service: In today's fascist America, you'd probably be arrested for exercising your God-given right to urinate on the seat of our legislature. As we cower from thugs who enforce the government's will, we must live through the mid-sized mutt of public opinion, who symbolically pees where we can't.

Could be worse: Could be poop. Also, if I worked in the District's Department of Public Works, I'd look into changing Washington's fire hydrants into mini-Capitols, pronto, until we get some Senators.

02fema.gifCrudeness: The F bomb (implied).

How crude is it?: Not very, I suppose. I'm always sort of intrigued that you can't say or print certain words in certain contexts, but you can make it very clear what the words are that you're talking about. Thus, in some entirely theoretical way, you can claim to be protecting us, despite the fact that you've actually shielded us from nothing. Just like FEMA!

Could be worse: They could actually say "fuck," though of course, since this cartoon appears in family newspapers across America, they can't. We can, though, since we're bloggers and can say any fucking thing we fucking want to say. Like so: Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK. Ass fuck. Titty fuck. FUCK!

03trial.gifCrudeness: The word "ass" (misspelled)

How crude is it?: Not so much crude as puzzling. I imagine some sort of tortured editorial meeting in which the cartoonist refused to budge from his creative vision, for the word "ass" was crucial; the editors and the money men, they cluck their thick tongues, and shake their heads and suggest that maybe the word won't play well with the blue-hairs and such, and finally, as the printer's deadline gets pushed back again and again, they settle on the spelling "azz." Either that, it's some sort of crazy new hip-hop slang that I'm not hip to.

Could be worse: We could see Saddam "going commando" and exposing his "azz." Or this "pun" could be even more "tortured."

04fla.gifCrudeness: Dog on girl action!

How crude is it: There's nothing like slapping some random labels on classic pedophilia/bestiality-based advertising to get a laugh. And since anything involving the Florida east coast can by some stretch of the imagination be thought of as beach-related, just switching the label on the dog could make this cartoon about anything you want! Potential labels: "hurricane season," "illegal immigration," "killer alligators," and (playing off of the subtle color difference between the girl and the dog) "black people."

Could be worse: The dog could be some sort of froofy girl dog, which would make it gay. And that would be wrong. Because gay dogs can change!

05gop.gifCrudeness: Um, where to start?

How crude is it? I suppose that depends on how horrifying you find the idea of Michael Jackson having sex with the Frankenstein monster. Or on how mind-boggling you find the idea that the relationship between the Republican Party and the abstract notion of the budget deficit can best be thought of as a sexual act between a reclusive deviant and a reanimated corpse. Or on how much you think the monster's chin looks like a scrotum.

Could be worse: The cartoon could actually portray Michael Jackson sodomizing a child. Is that what you want, you sick freaks? Is that what it will take you satisfy you? God, I hate you all.

06bob.gifCrudeness: Human-amphibian hybrid Robert Novak begging for a smooch.

How crude is it: The idea of Bob Novak attempting, perhaps in the context some misguided, drunken pass made at me at the League of Evil Bastards Christmas party, to place his lips on mine shakes me to the very core of my being, as I assume it shakes yours.

Could be worse: I suppose I could be at the State Fair and there would be a Bob Novak Kissing Booth and you'd pay a dollar to kiss him and it would go towards diabetes research and if you didn't pay the dollar to kiss him, his henchmen would kill your whole family right there in front of you. So, that would be worse. I'm having a hard time coming up with other scenarios though. --THE COMICS CURMUDGEON


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