OMG!!Last week was fun for Condi fans, but not so much fun for Condoleezza herself. She got dragged around by Bush on his farewell lap around NATO, and she had some laffs with George, but mostly was kind of a fifth wheel. Back home, the rest of us got to enjoy hot new Condicising photos and we finally learned who's playing Madame Secretary in Oliver Stone's Bush movie. Find out who the lucky actress is after the jump!


Substitute preacherCondi started her busy week last Monday in Jordan, but not with the quaint kingdom's adorable Bear King. No, it was a "neutral ground" (LOL) kinda thing, with Condi trying her hardest to salvage all the fake gains she made in Annapolis. It's tempting to say "A for effort" just to be nice, but, well, I think Tom Toles said it best in the Washington Post. I will say, though, that Jordan has pretty outdoor podiums (All large photos AP):

Dueling podiums

The gang's all hereOn Tuesday Condi headed for the Ukraine for some last minute strategizing for the big NATO confab in Romania, but not all by herself! Oh, no, the gang all came: Bush, Bolton, Hadley (ew!), Gates... they even brought Laura "Crazy Eyes" Bush along, so Madame Secretary's role was strictly that of tag-along. This, apparently, was Bush's farewell lap around Europe, and there was stuff he wanted to accomplish, so that meant, you know, "Condi, shut up."

Condicising.jpgBut that's OK, because April 1st meant that there was a new issue of Fitness Magazine featuring one of Wonkette's all-time favorite things: Condicising! Yay! The light-as-air feature included several provocative shots of Dr. Ferragamo workin' it out in her secret State Department fitness dungeon, and this was just the kind of press she needed. "Rice can pound out more than 40 full push-ups and dips. Talk about a superpower!" Fitness breathlessly exclaimed, and just like that managed to conflate Condi's toned abs with her track record as secretary of state. Well done! This isn't the first or even the second time Condi's pulled this kind of lifestyle exhibitionism, and we hope and pray it won't be the last!

Push it!Speaking of which, are you wondering about Condi's hunky, gorgeous trainer? Me, too! Well, his name is Tommy Tomlo, and just like Condi, he's an Alabama boy! You can see video of handsome Tommy talking about the joys of Condicising here. I'm kinda surprised he hasn't been promoted to undersecretary yet, as his contribution to the State Department has arguably been among the most successful.

Break it upAnyway! It's easy to get all distracted by Condicising (that's kinda the point), but let's get back to Romania and the NATO thing. Things went half-well for the Bush entourage: they got their missile defense plans on the table, but they didn't get their friends in Macedonia or the Ukraine into the club. So, um, yay for semi-success! The important thing, though, is that Condi fulfilled her function as Bush joke sounding board admirably, as this sequence of shots attests:

The set up

The punchline

Conspiracy theoristAnd that was pretty much that for Dr. Ferragamo last week! Condi fans had one more delightful surprise, though: Oliver Stone found his Condi! Yes, Stone has been casting around for W, his sure to be fair 'n' balanced Bush biopic. So far he's made some interesting choices, such as hiring the dream team of James Cromwell and Ellen Burstyn as King George I and Barbara and... Josh Brolin as King George II? Really?

So who did Stone get to play Condoleezza? Penny Johnson, who has played her twice before? Sorry, Penny, not this time. Instead, he chose Thandie Newton, the BAFTA-winning actress probably best known for being on ER and currently flopping on screens nationwide in Run, Fatboy, Run. Newton, a Brit, is certainly a talented actress, but does she have what it takes to portray Condi? Well, a side-by-side comparison of Madame Secretary with Thandie in one of her most... well, Beloved roles should put that to rest:

Ooh la laOther fun facts about Condi-to-be Thandie? She played Sally Hemmings to Nick Nolte's Thomas Jefferson, making her the first person to play both the secretary of state and the secretary of state's girlfriend! She was Eddie Murphy's love interest in the horrible, horrible Norbit! And the fact that she named her daughters Ripley and Nico after, respectively, a bad-ass alien destroyer and a heroin-addicted chanteuse makes us think that she's quite a bit hipper than the secretary of state she's going to portray!

Welcome to the Condiverse, Thandie! As a housewarming present, here's another morsel of Condi/McCain rumormongering to start your week. Hooray!

Veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) explores the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America's Favorite Princess Diplomat™ each week at Wonkette!

PREVIOUSLY: Beyond the Valley of the Condi Veep Rumors

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