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Celebrate The Feast Day Of St. Zita, Patron Saint Of Servers, By Flipping Off A Customer

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Did you know today, April 27, is the feast day of St. Zita, Patron Saint of waiters and waitresses? We did not, but let us celebrate it together!


Given that I'm Jewish, I had to go look up Catholic traditions to even understand what a "patron saint" was, and wow, there's some interesting stuff in there! Did you know that according to Papal Law, all Catholics are required to slap a goat in the face with a haddock at least three times a week? It's true! (It is not true.)

St. Zita, meanwhile, is also the Patron Saint of lost keys, in addition to overseeing domestic servants and servers, which means Catholics officially have a saint for EVERYTHING. We're surprised we didn't find a "Saint Zebedy, Patron Saint of Those Little Cooking Things That Always Get Stuck In The Drawer, What Do You Call Them."

Some history: St. Zita was born in Tuscany in 1212, and at age 12 became a servant, because the 13th century suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked. According to Wikipedia, she was "unjustly despised, overburdened, reviled, and often beaten by her employers and fellow servants." Zita, however, suffered the torrent of abuse in silence and HOLY SHIT, no wonder she's the Patron Saint of servers. She was eventually placed in charge of the household, and worked her ass off for decades with seemingly no breaks. People still bake bread on her feast day, so go out and make thee some pumpernickel. Or rye, we guess -- do Catholics eat rye, or is that just us Jews? Did Pope Eightus XIV declare in 1534 that rye actually killed Jesus or was responsible for the Black Plague? Did the Spanish ever forcibly try to convert rye to sourdough?

We digress. And now, let us all say St. Zita's Prayer:

Our Manager, who art in the damn office as per usual,

Hallowed be thy Name.

Thy Customers come.

Thy will be done

In FOH, as it is in BOH.

Give us this day our daily tips.

And forgive us our cropdusts,

As we forgive those that cropdust against us.

And lead us not into the weeds,

But deliver us from campers.

For thine is the kingdom,

The power, and the 10-top,

For ever and ever (or until it gets 86'd).

All Day.

Amen.

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Before we get all het up about Donald Trump's press conference with Vladimir Putin, Tucker Carlson says, we need to look at the larger perspective. Maybe Russia hacked us, maybe they didn't, but what about how Mexicans have interfered in our elections for decades just by being born here, huh?

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pic of Butina and her handler via Butina's Twitter

Have you been enjoying the last 24 hours of the mainstream media suddenly realizing there's a Russian intelligence asset in the White House, which is something we at Wonkette have known since October of 2016? Hilarious, right? Anyway, DOJ just found another Russian spy in its big "witch hunt." Her name is Maria Butina and she was arrested on Sunday, because the feds were pretty sure she was about to run. Now she is being held in federal custody without bond.

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