Oh Fiddlesticks, Did Three Witches Give Charlie Kirk The Poops?

Right Wing Extremism
Oh Fiddlesticks, Did Three Witches Give Charlie Kirk The Poops?

Recently we remarked that it's easy to forget there are grown adults who literally believe that at any given time, there are demons and angels in the sky doing swordfights over whether they can tempt you into masturbating while you're on the toilet. Literally believe this. They call it "spiritual warfare," and it's a thing you'll hear a lot in certain kinds of churches. The notion came up after the Grammys, when Sam Smith and Kim Petras went to their local Party City and said "Give us the sexy devil costumes, we have some conservative Christians to mess with."

That night, Charlie Kirk tweeted a video of their performance with the words "Definitely not a spiritual war." As if he was saying something self-evident, that obviously it definitely was a spiritual war, which meant the angels and the demons were in the sky doing Fight Club and trying to tempt sinners into touching each other's underwear parts. A bit later, he tweeted "The Devil. Brought to you by Pfizer..." Because, you see, it was the Devil (capital letters, that is his name), and it was brought to you by Pfizer (vaccines!111!1!!!).

Also on that Grammys night, weirdo plagiarist Benny Johnson from Newsmax tweeted, "Is there a demonic gathering Pfizer won't sponsor?" As if Pfizer was just on a streak of sponsoring demonic gatherings. Because the vaccines !111!1!!! are the demonic gathering.

A bit after that, Benny shit his pants about how Joe Biden was going to do "Satanism" at the State of the Union.

These are not grown-up belief systems, for grown-ups. But they are very spooky!

Now watch Charlie Kirk talk about how three witches (3) came up to him once, started saying stuff at him, and just after that he got very sick. Did three witches (3) give Charlie Kirk the poops? Or was it more of a head cold thingie? What did the real literal actual witches do Charlie?

“Three witches came up and they started saying stuff at me. And maybe it was a coincidence, maybe it wasn’t, but I got super sick right after that. [...] That was pretty chilling. And so, uh, they came into the church. [...] Obviously, I believe that those unclean spirits are subservient to truth, to Christ, and to the one God. [...] By the way, some of you in our audience say 'I do those things and I’m fine.' OK. Great. Terrific. Be careful with that. Those things can be portals into some really dark things.”

Obviously he believes unclean spirits are subservient to Jesus, obviously. Therefore, if we are interpreting Charlie Kirk's theology correctly, if the witches are going make him poopy, it's because Jesus allowed it.

Charlie said it happened in January 2021 in New Mexico, a very pagan place. He was at a church talking about anti-gay bigot stuff. There were witches and they talked to him!

The context to this is so weird, y'all. Extreme right-wingers have decided that Emily Kohrs, the foreperson of the Georgia grand jury, the one who's been on a media tour blabbing and needs to stop doing that, is a literal actual witch. Charlie Kirk found her Pinterest and there was witch stuff on it. Charlie says witches are the kinds of people serving on "many juries" now.

He said in the video that people were emailing him to say don't make fun of witches, they have a lot of power, and he said that's NOT TRUE, they don't have a lot of power, but "they do have some." And that's when he explained what happened to him, with the three witches (3) who talked to him.

The jury foreperson witch claim made it to Jesse Watters on Fox News, because he looked at Kohrs's Pinterest just like Charlie Kirk did. “She’s a wiccan, it looks like, and now she’s leading a different kind of witch hunt.” Watters interviewed some white weenus conservative activist named Ned Ryun, who said, “It’s the chef’s kiss that somehow this forewoman is a witch involved in leading a witch hunt. What are the odds?” Charlie said to his own viewers, "To make her the face of this entire political witch hunt — witch hunt!"

Sometimes they all make the same hilarious joke.

And of course Benny Johnson. Oh bless his heart, he's going through some things.

Benny said:

And if you don't believe me that we're fighting a spiritual battle between darkness and light, that is exhibit A. Weird demon-possessed girl coming after Donald Trump because she's believed all of the filth and propaganda that's been vomited into her face by the media.

Again, it's easy to forget that some grown-ups think these things are real.

Now, is this a very sad and pathetic attempt to discredit the grand jury in Georgia that made recommendations to Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis on whether Donald Trump and all his friends should face charges for trying to overturn the election in Georgia? Yes.

Poor Charlie tells his viewers in the video above that the case is very weak -- he's such a legal mind, very educated -- but just in case, he and his friends are spreading these desperate stories about the foreperson of the jury being a Pinterest witch. Of course, Kohrs doesn't actually make the decisions on indictments, that's Fani Willis. But Kohrs really does need to shut up, and the halfwit CNN-type media needs to stop enabling it.

But Charlie and all are doing this because they and their listeners are the kinds of people who believe in spiritual warfare.

And we guess Charlie believes witches can give you the shits if they want, but only if Jesus signs off on it, because they're powerful but not that powerful.

You betcha.

[JoeMyGod / Media Matters]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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