Chelsea Handler Is Happy Without Kids And Mediocre White Sexist Conservative Dudes Cannot Deal

If you've noticed Chelsea Handler trending the past couple days, it is because she is a woman with an opinion and she must be stopped. At least we think that's the gist of what America's white conservative man influencers are saying.

Handler guest-hosted "The Daily Show" last week, and she did a segment called "Long Story Short" about being child-free by choice. It was fun and it was funny, and she explained at the beginning that she was doing it in response to the weird pity that child-free people, especially women, are so often greeted with. She talked about how amazing it is to not have children, if not having children is what you want out of life.

To accompany that segment, Handler also made a silly video called "A Day In The Life Of A Childless Woman," which starts with her eating an edible, masturbating, and going back to bed until 12:30 p.m., and proceeds through a busy day of "whatever the fuck I want." (Both videos are at the bottom of this post.)

It's a comedy bit, and it was obviously tied in with Handler's week of guest-hosting "The Daily Show." However, according to America's white racist sexist dumbfuck dudes, it was Handler's lonely Valentine's Day cry for help, a wailing lamentation that she has not been impregnated by any of America's white racist sexist dumbfuck dudes.

They are losin' it, y'all.

Let's start with Tucker, because blog posts about unfuckable caucasian misogynists tend to start there.

"Unfunny comedian celebrates childless existence," the chyron said. They all need you to know Handler is not funny, lest you accidentally laugh out of turn.

Tucker's voice flipped up into its soprano register a lot during his monologue, so you know this hit some sore spots for him.

He began:

TUCKER: The point is to make you feel good about being an aging, deeply unlikable woman who never had kids. "It's cool to be childless! Go barren!" But actually, the video if you watch it produces exactly the opposite effect. It's super-depressing!

They need you to know it's depressing. You know, lest you see the video and think Handler's life looks pretty dang good.

Tucker brought on rightwing radio idiot Jesse Kelly for his very important comments about Chelsea Handler's life, and Kat Abughalazeh from Media Matters noted on Twitter that even by the standards of Tucker's show, it was unbelievably unhinged and sexist. We also noticed that it very much seemed like poor Jesse Kelly had written out this diatribe and rehearsed it and tried to make sure he just NAILED it, to get maximum giggling out of Tucker. And then Tucker grinned like one time, and that was it.

But good Lord, read this transcript:

JESSE KELLY: That’s what you see women like Chelsea Handler — feminists like Chelsea Handler — going with now. They’ve been lied to by their society forever, that you could be a “girl boss” and you can do anything a man can do — which everyone who’s ever seen a woman back up a vehicle knows that’s not true.

This was obviously one of his "laugh lines," but Tucker did not laugh.

But either way, they’ve been told that they should do career and don’t do a family or anything like that. And soon you’re Chelsea Handler.

Multi-millionaire Chelsea Handler with her fun life and guest-hosting "The Daily Show," ugh.

Soon, it’s Valentine’s Day and your womb resembles a dried up tumbleweed blowing down an old Western town, and your Valentine’s Day date for the tenth year in a row is a 10-year-old copy of Magic Mike and a half full bottle of Xanax.

See what we mean about how we think he wrote this?

And you’re trying to pretend like you’re happy, but you’re not happy. And it’s actually not her fault. She’s been lied to by a country that has lost its way.

Because if Chelsea Handler isn't pretending to be happy, then does the existence of men like Tucker Carlson and Jesse Kelly even contribute anything to the world? Would anybody look to them as an authority or respect them if they had to earn that position instead of Christian society giving it to them as a handout?

We are pretty sure that's the psychological situation here.

And, you know, the answer to those questions is probably not.

Therefore it has to be that Chelsea Handler has been lied to. Not Jesse Kelly and Tucker Carlson, who have been lied to their whole lives and told they can do all things through Christ who strengthens them, and who have been lied to their whole lives and told that in order to be fulfilled, you must be fruitful and multiply and that the man is the head of the household and you must be a godly father and that without these strictures, life is MISERABLE CHAOS!

People like this are sometimes willing to accept that people who aren't actively breeding white fundamentalist Christians exist, as long as nobody suggests the actively breeding white fundamentalist Christian lifestyle isn't the most superior of them all. Openly saying, as Chelsea Handler is, that rejecting all of that can be awesome? Suggesting that her life is actually more fulfilling because of it?

Look how seething angry frumpy little neckbeard Matt Walsh is:

He's still going this morning, because not only is Chelsea Handler child-free by choice, she is ABORTION HARLOT BABY KILLER! And Matt Walsh cannot accept that Handler is fine with her decisions, so he says she is "desperately justif[ying] her childlessness." Bless his heart.

You can imagine that Ben Shapiro, Walsh's boss at the Daily Wire, is apoplectic about this. For 10 minutes yesterday he angrily ranted about Handler's video, dishonestly framing it as a Valentine's Day cry for help and not a "Daily Show" segment. He of course had to flip his hair around a bit about how unfunny Handler is, because that's important. Then he explained that Handler is "miserable, and it's written all over her face how miserable she is," because she doesn't have children.

The research on that does not support Ben Shapiro's view, of course. His conservative religious beliefs support it, and as with all these men, we're supposed to pretend his conservative religious beliefs lead to a superior life, even if we don't personally choose that path.

Anyway, watch the video. We don't want to pick it apart piece by piece, but we do have one comment, which we'll make below it.

Did you see the part during the last two minutes where Ben Shapiro took it upon himself to compare his wife's fulfillment to Chelsea Handler's fulfillment? He didn't invite his wife on to speak for herself, of course. He described a typical day in his wife's life, which to us sounds pretty shitty, especially the part where you wake up and go to sleep next to Ben Shapiro and are pregnant with his baby. She gets the kids ready for school, she's a doctor, they help their kids with the homework, they make dinner, blah blah blah. If that's the life for you, cool.

But he is so insistent that his wife MUST be happier and more fulfilled than Chelsea Handler. "My wife has a much more fulfilled life than Chelsea Handler! She does! You know why? Because she's embedded herself in time and space! She's bound herself to others! She's bound herself to rules!" Weirdo Ben Shapiro talking about how his wife has "bound herself."

But here is the thing, and the comment we wanted to make, which debunks his entire premise.

Ben Shapiro was so disgusted by the idea of a "wet ass pussy" when that song came out that he went to his doctor wife and asked her what kind of medical condition that would suggest if a woman were to have a "wet ass pussy."

That is our comment, here are your fun Chelsea Handler videos, the end.

[Media Matters]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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