Chemtrail Kelli Ward Gonna Arrest Maricopa County Board, That's What She's Gonna Do

We haven't talked enough about the chickens.

You see, one of the conspiracy theories surrounding the 2020 election in Arizona — the best one — is that, well, you see, on March 6, there was a big fire at a chicken farm in Maricopa County, specifically a chicken farm owned by family of one of the Republican members of the Maricopa County Board of Supervisors. (The board, with its five members, is 80 percent Republican. Always remember that.) Clint Hickman, Republican board member and vice president of Hickman Family Farms, has had no patience for these BS stories about election fraud.

So, the fire. It killed 160,000 chickens. RIP chickens! But is it also RIP Arizona's real ballots? Because they were inside the chickens? Did somebody set the chicken coop on fire with the ballots inside the chickens? Were those chickens all "Ain't nobody here but us chickens AND THESE BALLOTS WE JUST ATE FOR LUNCH?"

As the Daily Beast reported a couple months ago, a weirdass group called the Arizona Patriot Party had done some amateur investigatin', and reported in its newsletter that it didn't smell like no burned up chickens out there, but rather "burned wood or paper." Was it BALLOTS?!?1!!!111? Joe Hoft, the stupidest brother of the stupidest man on the internet Jim Hoft, reported breathlessly at the time about "mysterious fire" and demanded to know "Did any shred catch fire in the chicken coops?" He meant BALLOT "shred," like from shredded ballots.

Inquiring minds needed to know.

In that spirit, you should know that Chemtrail Kelli Ward, Patron Saint of Batshit and actual chair of the Arizona GOP, went on the One America News Network earlier this week and threatened to arrest the Maricopa County Board of Supervisors (80 percent Republican) for failing to take this very serious audit very seriously.

Kelli Ward, chair of the Arizona Republican Party, appeared on One America News, a far-right news network whose anchors launched a fundraiser for the audit, to imply that local officials might be arrested if they did not comply with legislators' demands.

"There have to be consequences," Ward said. "There could be arrests of people who are refusing to comply."

Local officials who refuse to comply and take Arizona GOP legislators and their fraudit seriously — what with all the obvious bamboo fraud and the chickens with the bellies full of the ballots burning mysteriously in the night! — they might just have to be arrested if they do not comply with the legislature's demands! How very dare they!

(To be clear, we have not heard reporting that the frauditors are personally trying to dissect burnt out chicken carcass to find the missing ballots, but this fraudit is going all summer, so give them a minute.)

Ward made that threat Monday, the same day the Maricopa board — the one that's 80 percent Republican — sent idiotass Arizona GOP Senate President Karen Fann that amazing letter reading the fraudit for filth and making fun of their bamboo X-rays. In that letter, they explained with small words and pictures how accusations that the board had deleted the Maricopa County voter database were horseshit. And what do you know, the frauditors admitted it was horseshit on Tuesday. They were just looking for it the wrong way, but now they found it! DERP.

But the damage had been done, as Donald Trump had already spent the weekend creaming his large golf pants over "DELETED!" and "UNBELIEVABLE ELECTION CRIME!"

Has anyone told the former president the story about the chickens? Somebody should tell him about the chickens.

Anyway, also Tuesday, the same day the frauditors admitted they were full of shit about the database, the county board responded to Ward's threats:

Kelli Ward responded back, and if you want to know what it's like to sniff bath salts, you can scroll through her Twitter and find it for yourself.

So everything is going well in Arizona, that's what this post is really about.

Oh, hey, the Daily Beast also reported on a fun thing we missed from earlier this week. Want to hear an Arizona GOP state senator talk in a normal voice like she doesn't need to immediately see a neurologist about how cool and wonderful it is that they are scratch 'n' sniffing the ballots to find the bamboo? She thinks it is cool and wonderful, just really great.

Her name is Wendy Rogers, and she is a real person, and she went on some wingnut Seth Leibsohn's radio show to talk about BAMBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

ROGERS: The most fascinating aspect [of getting to see the fraudit firsthand] was the table with cameras that have microscopic ability to look at each ballot to determine if the fibers of the ballot are made of wood or — I know there's a rumor out there that ballots were shipped in from overseas that were made of bamboo — this process can determine that!

The wingnut host was like WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA MIND BLOWN.

Ain't none of THESE people gonna get BAMBOO-zled! Get it? Get it? Do you get it?


Seriously, these people are fucking amazing, we would like to give them a medal or a gift certificate for talk therapy in recognition of how good they are at life.


[Daily Beast]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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