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Tucker Carlson: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Making Chris Hayes A Big Homogay

Culture

Tucker Carlson keeps finding new ways to be Tucker Carlson. He proved Monday that every day is April Fool's on his high-rated but advertiser-light FOX show. MSNBC's Chris Hayes hosted a town hall on Friday with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to discuss the Green New Deal. Carlson lacks the critical thinking skills to comment coherently on her actual policies and instead just resorted to schoolyard taunts. We guess it works for the president. (It does not work for the president.)

Carlson mocked liberals for believing "all life on this planet" would end in 12 years. No one, by the way, believes this. What Ocasio-Cortez and actual climate scientists have said is that we have 12 years to avoid irreversible damage to the climate. It is somehow "funny" for conservatives to pretend Ocasio-Cortez is running around Congress shouting the "end of the world is nigh."

Carlson specifically and grossly targeted his competitor Hayes in a sexist, homophobic tirade that was shocking even for a child rape apologist.

CARLSON: Chris Hayes is what every man would be if feminists ever achieved absolute power in this country: apologetic, bespectacled, and deeply, deeply concerned about global warming and the patriarchal systems that cause it.

Uh, Tucker, you're not at home performing your best Travis Bickle in front of a mirror. That's a TV camera. We can see you.


Seriously though, WTF? Carlson imagines a feminist-dominated world and the worst he can come up with is men feeling sorry about things and caring about climate change. That's his dystopia? Margaret Atwood would like a word. Wait, men are also wearing glasses in this matriarchal nightmare state. The MRA manifestos online claim feminists are going to castrate us (literally and figuratively). Now Carlson believes they're coming for our eyesight... and they're bringing corrective lenses with them because they also offer decent health care? Sign us up!

We've probably lived too long when an actual human being (sort of) sounds like a common Lex Luthor who can't believe Superman is actually Clark Kent even when he's right in front of him because Kent is mild-mannered and wears glasses. Glasses are for sissies.

Carlson later claimed it was absurd that MSNBC would have a "29-year-old former bartender" teach us about science. Ocasio-Cortez does not pretend she's a scientist. She just actually listens to them. Also, she's not a "former bartender." She's a freshman congresswoman. Class mobility is supposedly a big deal in this country. Carlson likely wouldn't dismiss Ronald Reagan as just a "former actor in chimp pictures."

CARLSON: Hayes framed the terms at the outset of the show. Unless you do exactly what "Doctor" Ocasio-Cortez says, the entire human race has only 12 years to live.

See, he calls her "Doctor" Ocasio-Cortez because AOC does not actually hold a doctorate. Hilarious. The show then provides a helpful clip of Hayes literally not saying any of this bullshit.

HAYES: What we have to do to avoid the most catastrophic effects of climate change is cut emissions in half in 12 years.

"KRYPTON IS DOOMED! PUT YOUR CHILDREN IN ROCKET SHIPS THAT HAVE ONLY EVER BEEN TESTED WITH THE FAMILY DOG!"

Carlson thought it'd be fun to insult the entire audience assembled to see Ocasio-Cortez. He said the town hall "looks like Ellen—kind of a fusion show." Ellen DeGeneres is a lesbian and daytime talk shows lack the intellectual rigor of what you see on FOX at 8 p.m. Carlson was especially irate because Ocasio-Cortez said she believed we shouldn't just have a "wealthy society" but also a "moral society."

CARLSON: Wait, you might be wondering, how does a member of Congress who hasn't yet turned 30, someone who has never even raised children, get the right to lecture me on morality!

Ocasio-Cortez "gets the right" to be a person with public opinions because she is an an elected member of the House of Representatives, as well as an American. The Constitution's only age requirement is that she's 25. There is also no parenthood requirement.

During the town hall, Ocasio-Cortez rejected the idea that progressives like her are the "Tea Party of the left" because, as she correctly pointed out, the Tea Party has its roots in xenophobia and white supremacy. That's when Carlson stopped being polite and started getting real personal.

CARLSON: So, it's official. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is a moron. And nasty. And more self-righteous than any televangelist who ever preached a sermon on cable access.

Carlson delivers xenophobic white male supremacist screeds nightly but he thinks actually speaking out against any of those things really crosses the line. Whatever happened to civility?

Writer Jordan Uhl observed that the first commercial break for Carlson's show boasted a two-minute MyPillow ad (how much convincing do you need to buy a pillow?), two Fox News house ads, and an ad for a Donald Trump PAC. Most advertisers are still staying away because Carlson is a slime ball. MyPillow is probably impressed that he doesn't wear glasses but eventually even that won't be enough.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Seattle. However, he's more reliable for food and drink recommendations in Portland, where he spends a lot of time for theatre work. His co-adaptation of "Jitterbug Perfume" by Tom Robbins is playing NOW at Pioneer Square's Cafe Nordo. All Wonketters welcome.

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You guys, hi, hello, it is almost the holiday weekend, so we are going to share you a real video posted last night by "Doctor" Sebastian "Don't Call Me A Nazi" Gorka, that hilarious old knucklecuck. We guess now that he had to give up (or gave up voluntarily!) his Fox News contract, he just makes videos for the Twitter. Hoo ... ray?

Anyway, Gorka is super-excited that Donald Trump issued that order last night, giving Bill Barr all kinds of new powers to expose the Deep State for what it is and PROVE once and for all that the gremlins who live inside Trump's diarrhea are correct when they say Hillary ordered the Deep State to do an illegal witch hunt to Trump, yadda yadda yadda, you've seen these people huff paint before, we don't have to type it all.

Here is the video, after which Wonkette will either transcribe it OR we will provide our own dramatic interpretation. Which one will it be? We don't know! Would you be able to tell the difference between the two? We don't know!

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We want to say right here at the outset that we hate Julian Assange. Aside from the sexual assault allegations against him, and aside from the fact that he's just a generally stinky and loathsome person who reportedly smeared poop on the walls at the Ecuadorian embassy in London, while reportedly not taking care of his cat, an innocent creature, he acted as Russia's handmaiden during the 2016 election, in order to further Russia's campaign to steal it for Donald Trump. All signs point to his campaign being a success!

So we are justifiably happy when bad things happen to Julian Assange. We are happy his name is shit the world over, and that any reputation WikiLeaks used to have for being on the side of freedom and transparency has been stuffed down the toilet where it belongs. We are happy he looked like such a sad-ass loser when the Ecuadorian embassy finally kicked him out and he was arrested.

And quite frankly, we were OK with the initial charge against him recently unsealed in the Eastern District of Virginia. If you'll remember, he was charged with trying to help Chelsea Manning hack a password into the Defense Department, which is not what journalists do. Journalists do not drive the get-away car for sources. Journalists do not hold their sources' hair back while they're stealing classified intel. Assange is essentially accused of doing all that.

Now, put all that aside. Because -- and this is key -- journalists do publish secrets they are provided by sources. That's First Amendment, chapter and verse, American as fucking apple pie and fast-food-induced diabetes. And that is what much of the superseding indictment of Assange unsealed yesterday was about. (And nope, it wasn't about anything regarding Assange's ratfucking the 2016 election or Hillary's emails. Why would the Trump Justice Department prosecute anything about that? It's all about the older Chelsea Manning stuff, the stuff the Obama Justice Department considered charging Assange with, but ultimately declined, because of that little thing called the First Amendment.)

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