Child Slave Finds Jesse Helms Fossil, Gives It To Her Smithsonian Overseer

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  • While you were at home stuffing turkey into your tongue cave with a fork lift, DEA agents and Navy SEALs were napalming the dickens out of Boone Forest, which means all of your evil marijuana plants are now incinerated forever. Happy Thanksgiving, you degenerate stoners! [Washington Examiner]


  • Due to the current economic crisis, archeologists can no longer afford to hire Mexican migrant workers to dig up fossils for them. Unpaid child laborers will have to do for now. [Washington Times]

  • Do train operators receive a raise if they successfully chop a commuter in half when they close the doors? Some experts say "yes." [Unsuck DC Metro]

  • Thank you to all of the selfless DC residents who spent their Thanksgiving serving soup to the needy. You make the rest of us look like total jerks. [Why I Hate DC]

  • Police are trying to contact the man responsible for an attempted bank robbery on November 21, because he forgot to pick up his consolation prize. [DCist]

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