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Did you wake up this afternoon in a puddle of your own gin-soaked filth, and very sad about Beto and Andrew Gillum and all the other people you have fallen in mad love with losing their races last night? (Rebecca did, but she woke up at the PROPER MORNING TIME in her own gin filth.) Are you freaking out now that Donald Trump has fired Jeff Sessions and the future of the Russia investigation is in danger? Awwwwwwwww, we are sorry, but STOP THAT, because we need to actually take some time to focus on what a badass night America had last night.

Last night's midterms were disappointing in some ways. We get it! We all really wanted last night to be a 100% repudiation of everything Donald Trump has done to America, and a Beto win or an Andrew Gillum win (we still don't know WTF is going to happen with Stacey Abrams, which is why we're not including her in this list) would have been a massive symbol of that repudiation, one we all really need on a core, gut level. But we didn't get it. (Possibly because they were stolen, because that's always a possibility when competing with the GOP.) Regardless, it's time we take a rest and then get right back into the fight, because those wins are out there for us, in 2020 and 2022 and 2024 and literally every other election for the rest of our lives.

But can we take a moment to recognize the sheer amazingness of all the stuff that happened last night?


First of all, we won the House. We did it despite gerrymandering and voting fuckery and voter suppression. WE DID IT.

And oh, what a House of Representatives it will be! First of all, there will now be over 100 women in the House, for the first time ever. The first Muslim women were elected last night (Rashida Tlaib of Michigan and Ilhan Omar of Minnesota), and the first Latina women from Texas were too (Sylvia Garcia and Veronica Escobar). Ayanna Pressley is the first black congresswoman from Massachusetts, and her pal Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, whom you're very familiar with by now, is the youngest congresswoman ever. The first Native American women were elected (Sharice Davids, who is also openly gay, won in FUCKIN' KANSAS, and Deb Haaland won in New Mexico). Want to read about more "firsts" in this Congress? Click here!

Some of the victories in the House are just sweet as fuck, because of who got beat. For example, Abigail Spanberger, the badass CIA lady, beat the fuck out of Dave Brat, one of the most obnoxious GOP members of Congress. A Democrat named Joe Cunningham won the seat previously stinked up by Mark Sanford!

Because we won, Adam Schiff will be the boss of the House Intelligence Committee, Elijah Cummings will chair Oversight, Jerrold Nadler will run Judiciary ... oh yeah, and Maxine Waters, YES MAXINE WATERS, will have subpoena power as the chair of the Finance Committee. Maxine! Waters! With! Subpoena! Power!

And then there were the governors' races we did win! Jared Polis, a gay man, will be the boss of Colorado! Michelle Lujan Grisham will be the boss of New Mexico! Laura Kelly, a DEMOCRAT LADY, beat the shit out of FUCKING KRIS KOBACH, in FUCKING KANSAS, which may be the most beautiful thing ever, if you don't count the fact that one of the literal worst humans in America, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, ALSO got his ass beat by a Democrat named Tony Evers!

And we won super-progressive referenda in the states, also too! Florida might not get Andrew Gillum this year, but the state voted overwhelmingly for the restoration of voting rights to felons who have paid their debts to society in full, and Michigan not only approved legal weed, but it also passed an incredible voting rights amendment. Hit that link for more victories!

Did we mention how we flipped a bunch of state houses and senates? We flipped a bunch of state houses and senates, in Colorado and Minnesota and New Hampshire and New York and Maine!

It was a good night.

One more thing: Let's go back to where we started, with the losses that broke our hearts. Conventional wisdom usually says that when shining lights end up losing, they are no longer viable. This is bullshit. We still don't know the final result in Georgia, but please understand that no matter what, Stacey Abrams, Andrew Gillum and Beto O'Rourke are STARS. They didn't lose races they were supposed to win. They took the fight directly into the hardest places and they fucking worked their asses off and inspired people and every single one of them came really close. Imagine them on national stages.

For that matter, Beto O'Rourke, by our estimation, just moved up to the front of the 2020 pack, right next to Kamala Harris. Maybe they should run together, because can you even imagine what an incredible ticket that would be?

And while we're on the subject, we must note that Beto saying "fucking" last night during his "concession" speech is our new sexual orientation:

BE STILL OUR PANTS!

We lost some last night, but we won a lot, and we are in a better place in America than we were 24 hours ago.

So let's take a minute to rest, and then let's get the fuck moving, because 2020 is around the corner. Did we mention how many GOP senators have to defend their seats in two years? SPOILER: it's not favorable for them like last night's map was.

Stay pissed off, keep fighting, we love you very much, now OPEN THREAD.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT NOW, DO IT RIGHT NOW!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Good morning, America! Attorney General Bill Barr is doing a presser at 9:30 AM EDT about the Mueller report, which nobody will be able to see until around noon or after, once Congress gets the redacted report on CDs. Seeing as that is bullshit, there's no reason to watch this thing, as journalists won't be able to ask him questions about a document they haven't seen. So ... go back to bed, everyone!

Ugh, fine, we guess we will do this, and that is because we care, even though we are quite certain HGTV is doing some kind of very important "Property Brothers" marathon that adds much more of value to the national discourse, and also covers it up with shiplap accent walls. Does Bill Barr do cover-ups with shiplap? No, because he doesn't have the good taste for that.

Reportedly, we are going to hear from Barr why certain things were redacted, including why he thinks certain facts are subject to executive privilege, which is funny because he is not the president and therefore cannot invoke executive privilege. But oh whatever! Details! Robert Mueller won't be there and none of his team will be there, which tells you something about how they feel about this whole process. If they felt like this was on the up-and-up, you'd imagine they might show up to present a united front. As that is not happening, assume the entire thing is a bullshit act meant to help Donald Trump set the narrative for what will otherwise be a very bad day for him.

The New York Times reported last night that the White House has already been briefed on significant portions of the report, because Bill Barr is a rightwing scam artist piece of shit who gives the Trump White House reacharounds. The briefings have reportedly been very helpful for the White House in coming up with how to rebut today's report, which is funny because we thought Trump said this report was a full exoneration, NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION. (Actually nope on both counts, since Mueller didn't decide the obstruction question, and even according to Barr's mash notes, he took a very limited view of the conspiracy question, focusing on the Russian government's hack and dump WikiLeaks operation.)

Anyway, assuming Trump is right about full exoneration, we guess Rudy Giuliani's rebuttal will state that Trump is guilty, full stop. Because that's what "rebuttal" means, correct?

Committee chairs in the House including Jerry Nadler, Adam Schiff and Maxine Waters have called upon Bill Barr to cancel today's briefing, as it is useless horseshit. Because Barr literally gives zero fucks about his reputation and apparently is OK with going down in history as a fecal stain on our institutions and the rule of law, the show will go on.

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Now What? Wonkagenda For Thurs., April 18, 2019

Bill Barr's book report, the NRA is doomed, and Johnny Cash will watch over the Capitol. Your morning news brief!

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Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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