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Thanks, Montana Republicans! WE LOVE IT!

Did you wake up this afternoon in a puddle of your own gin-soaked filth, and very sad about Beto and Andrew Gillum and all the other people you have fallen in mad love with losing their races last night? (Rebecca did, but she woke up at the PROPER MORNING TIME in her own gin filth.) Are you freaking out now that Donald Trump has fired Jeff Sessions and the future of the Russia investigation is in danger? Awwwwwwwww, we are sorry, but STOP THAT, because we need to actually take some time to focus on what a badass night America had last night.

Last night's midterms were disappointing in some ways. We get it! We all really wanted last night to be a 100% repudiation of everything Donald Trump has done to America, and a Beto win or an Andrew Gillum win (we still don't know WTF is going to happen with Stacey Abrams, which is why we're not including her in this list) would have been a massive symbol of that repudiation, one we all really need on a core, gut level. But we didn't get it. (Possibly because they were stolen, because that's always a possibility when competing with the GOP.) Regardless, it's time we take a rest and then get right back into the fight, because those wins are out there for us, in 2020 and 2022 and 2024 and literally every other election for the rest of our lives.

But can we take a moment to recognize the sheer amazingness of all the stuff that happened last night?


First of all, we won the House. We did it despite gerrymandering and voting fuckery and voter suppression. WE DID IT.

And oh, what a House of Representatives it will be! First of all, there will now be over 100 women in the House, for the first time ever. The first Muslim women were elected last night (Rashida Tlaib of Michigan and Ilhan Omar of Minnesota), and the first Latina women from Texas were too (Sylvia Garcia and Veronica Escobar). Ayanna Pressley is the first black congresswoman from Massachusetts, and her pal Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, whom you're very familiar with by now, is the youngest congresswoman ever. The first Native American women were elected (Sharice Davids, who is also openly gay, won in FUCKIN' KANSAS, and Deb Haaland won in New Mexico). Want to read about more "firsts" in this Congress? Click here!

Some of the victories in the House are just sweet as fuck, because of who got beat. For example, Abigail Spanberger, the badass CIA lady, beat the fuck out of Dave Brat, one of the most obnoxious GOP members of Congress. A Democrat named Joe Cunningham won the seat previously stinked up by Mark Sanford!

Because we won, Adam Schiff will be the boss of the House Intelligence Committee, Elijah Cummings will chair Oversight, Jerrold Nadler will run Judiciary ... oh yeah, and Maxine Waters, YES MAXINE WATERS, will have subpoena power as the chair of the Finance Committee. Maxine! Waters! With! Subpoena! Power!

And then there were the governors' races we did win! Jared Polis, a gay man, will be the boss of Colorado! Michelle Lujan Grisham will be the boss of New Mexico! Laura Kelly, a DEMOCRAT LADY, beat the shit out of FUCKING KRIS KOBACH, in FUCKING KANSAS, which may be the most beautiful thing ever, if you don't count the fact that one of the literal worst humans in America, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, ALSO got his ass beat by a Democrat named Tony Evers!

And we won super-progressive referenda in the states, also too! Florida might not get Andrew Gillum this year, but the state voted overwhelmingly for the restoration of voting rights to felons who have paid their debts to society in full, and Michigan not only approved legal weed, but it also passed an incredible voting rights amendment. Hit that link for more victories!

Did we mention how we flipped a bunch of state houses and senates? We flipped a bunch of state houses and senates, in Colorado and Minnesota and New Hampshire and New York and Maine!

It was a good night.

One more thing: Let's go back to where we started, with the losses that broke our hearts. Conventional wisdom usually says that when shining lights end up losing, they are no longer viable. This is bullshit. We still don't know the final result in Georgia, but please understand that no matter what, Stacey Abrams, Andrew Gillum and Beto O'Rourke are STARS. They didn't lose races they were supposed to win. They took the fight directly into the hardest places and they fucking worked their asses off and inspired people and every single one of them came really close. Imagine them on national stages.

For that matter, Beto O'Rourke, by our estimation, just moved up to the front of the 2020 pack, right next to Kamala Harris. Maybe they should run together, because can you even imagine what an incredible ticket that would be?

And while we're on the subject, we must note that Beto saying "fucking" last night during his "concession" speech is our new sexual orientation:

BE STILL OUR PANTS!

We lost some last night, but we won a lot, and we are in a better place in America than we were 24 hours ago.

So let's take a minute to rest, and then let's get the fuck moving, because 2020 is around the corner. Did we mention how many GOP senators have to defend their seats in two years? SPOILER: it's not favorable for them like last night's map was.

Stay pissed off, keep fighting, we love you very much, now OPEN THREAD.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT NOW, DO IT RIGHT NOW!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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HOLY ACHTUNG TWITTER IS FREAKING OUT! Special Counsel Robert Mueller's office (SCO) has issued a statement, almost 24 full hours after Buzzfeed's story on Donald Trump ordering Michael Cohen to lie to Congress about the failed Trump Tower Moscow deal started blowing everybody's minds. Mueller's spokesman says actually BuzzFeed got it a bit wrong. This is significant because 1) Mueller's office NEVER talks, and B) well, they're not actually saying BuzzFeed got it WRONG wrong. Just, you know, kinda wrong.

Wow, that statement is lawyered as fuck. BuzzFeed described "specific statements" wrong, and its "characterization of documents and testimony" was just an eensy bit off, and maybe if BuzzFeed moved this sofa over here it would take advantage of more natural light in the room, and honestly, BuzzFeed should trim up this one paragraph of its article, because those sentences DO NOT SPARK MARIE KONDO'S JOY.

Otherwise, it's great!

First of all, we want everybody to relax. Donald Trump is still a criminal.

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It's been a joy watching the reactions come in from TrumpWorld about the news that Donald Trump has committed YET ANOTHER CRIME, in this case suborning perjury by instructing his former lawyer thug fixer Michael Cohen to lie to Congress. How many other people did he do that with? WE DUNNO! But that's not what this post is about.

First of all, let's see what the big guy himself did. As with all presidential statements from the un-president, it happened on Twitter:

Oh wait, that's (grapes) not it. Here it is:

That's right, the president of the United States reacted to a bombshell news report exposing that he had tampered with a witness by suborning perjury by ... tampering with that witness some more in public, by threatening his father-in-law! (To be fair, Trump has been trying to intimidate the witness by encouraging the feds to investigate Cohen's father-in-law for a hot minute now. It's one of his things, like tweeting and pooping at the same time and comparing WALL to WHEEL.)

Keep reading... Show less
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