Chris Christie Swallows Marco Rubio And His Pride, Endorses Donald Trump
MAKE! AMERICA!! GREAT!!! AGAIN!!!!!
You know how we hate to say we told you so? Except for how we love to say it? Well, we told you so. We so fucking told you so. Donald Trump is the new president daddy boss man czar of the Republican Party, and they are a-comin' to Jesus with a quickness now.
I am proud to be here to endorse Donald Trump.
Trump probably didn't even have to promise Christie a nacho cheese ice cream sundae to say some nices, today of all days, for Trump. Why is today so extra-special? Because, as we observed last night during the GOP debate, Marco Rubio was actually kind of good at making zings in Trump's general direction! (We wildly speculated that Rubio had snorted approximately many pounds of coke. Try to prove us wrong.) The Media has been scribbling headlines ever since that maybe Marco Rubio isn't quite dead yet, hooray for Rubio, perhaps he will keep on winning second place and ... still not be the nominee.
But then Chris Christie eated up all of Rubio's limelight and even made a totally-not-subtle-dig at "junior senators" who don't have the big brassy balls to beat Hillary Clinton. Because Chris Christie? He hates that brat Rubio. Hates him all the hates. In the last debate before Christie dropped out, he spent most of his time smacking Rubio around and calling him a robotic scripted lazy nincompoop who never even shows up to his actual job at the Senate (which is accurate). Also, as NYT notes:
Mr. Christie was a candidate himself until he came in sixth place in New Hampshire’s primary. Seeing his political career facing an abrupt conclusion at the end of a second term as governor following his faded presidential campaign, he was said to be deeply angry with Senator Marco Rubio, according to three people with direct knowledge of his thinking. He blames Mr. Rubio’s “super PAC” for halting his momentum in New Hampshire in December with a string of slash-and-burn ads.
The person Christie should hate, in our Very Serious Political Analysis opinion, is Donald Trump. Because Christie was supposed to be the obnoxious rude tough-talkin' jerk-faced jackhole candidate who was going to bully the Republican Party into giving him the nomination. "It's time to start offending people" was a thing he actually said and thought was not a bug but a feature!
But then someone came along and out-obnoxioused the crap outta him so hard, Christie was practically invisible in the race. WHICH IS REALLY SAYING SOMETHING.
[contextly_sidebar id="NVGC0tdJsWtqYdYWcWF9ADhJpWqi79YS"]So after Chris Christie flopped into sixth place in New Hampshire earlier this month, he dragged his sorry sedentary ass back home, slept on it, and realized nobody likes him. In fact, nobody even hates him enough to care about him. So he dropped out, never to be heard from again. Until now.
True, Christie isn't exactly your typical fall-in-line kind of Republican. But that just proves how right we are, and we love being right! Trump is going to be the GOP nominee, like it or not, and no one is going to stop him. Certainly not Rubio. Christie knows it, and just you watch now how fast the rest of the party is going to start knowing it too.