Chris Christie Tells Himself To Sit Down And Shut Up
You did bad and you should feel bad
Remember when New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was going to bully his way to the White House with his stellar platform, "It's time to start offending people"? Boy did that get shut down faster than you can say "George Washington Bridge":
Chris Christie — the brash New Jersey governor whose fast rise in Republican politics was undone by a petty scheme to clog traffic on a bridge — has decided to suspend his presidential campaign, according to two Republicans briefed on his deliberations.
Christie held a meeting and conference call with campaign staff at 4 p.m. to inform them of his decision, the Republicans said.
After a humiliating sixth place "win" in Tuesday's New Hampshire primary, Christie decided to go home to think long and hard about how to announce that he is dropping out of the race without looking like a total loser. (Spoiler: Impossible.) He still hasn't said it with his own big mouth, but fuck him, we're sick of waiting, so let's get right to the pissing on the grave of his campaign, yeah?
[contextly_sidebar id="8u4HQIYbHVEpH4JGmZJC2WGSOky3kG2w"]Christie had such big hopes, once upon a time. With his oh-so-impressive popularity in his blue state of New Jersey, his vast experience remembering 9/11, and his courage to yell at anyone -- anyone at all -- to shut the hell up, he figured he had a real good chance. Alas, he did not foresee that he would be upstaged and out-shouted by the even more offensive and brash Donald J. Trump.
[contextly_sidebar id="hhMSNA2bNEe4grdwylL6RpZBZVsmOHRk"]Despite spending all of his time in the Granite State -- except that one weekend he went home to deal with some mild weather and then lecture stupid dead people for letting themselves die in their car during the horrific blizzard that Christie said was no big -- he couldn't even beat Jeb Bush in Tuesday's primary. Jeb. Bush. The saddest mofo to ever open his mouth and ask "I can haz president, Daddy?"
It's not surprising that Christie's quitting the race, only that he's lasted this long. We've been on the Christie campaign death watch since at least September, when he insisted to Fox's Megyn Kelly that he was not dead yet and she laughed and laughed and laughed AND LAUGHED AND LAUGHED in his face. Goddamn, that was fun.
[contextly_sidebar id="W5M7CvsrhRINSKCCuAsCDKXpQ0GIX1DQ"]We'd say we'll miss Christie, but that's a lie because with Trump, who needs him and his disgusting nacho cheese-greased fingers jabbing people in the face? Sure, it's been a hoot watching him tell Marco Rubio what a jackass he is, but anyone can do that. Besides, even jackass Marco Rubio beat Christie in New Hampshire, so picking on Rubio was about as effective as Christie's promise to kids that when he's president, they can eat all the pizza and tacos they want for lunch, take that, Michelle Obama.
So long and farewell, Chris Christie. Now you'll have to go back to the state that doesn't much care for you and stick to yelling at the locals. Let us spend just a moment pouring one out for the Christie campaign and remembering some of his finer moments:
OK, that's more than enough.
UPDATE: Christie finally got around to admitting, in his own FriendsterBook words, that he's a giant loser quitter. Read 'em if you want, but we're already so over him.