Chris Cillizza Identifies Most Important News Paragraph Of Day, It Is Some Sh*t About Ivanka

Chris Cillizza Identifies Most Important News Paragraph Of Day, It Is Some Sh*t About Ivanka

Not Chris Cillizza.

It can be difficult sometimes, with so much going on, to know what's the most important story in America. Is it the GOP's conversion into a fundamentally un-American insurgency willing to destroy democracy to retain power? Is it the Biden administration's efforts to pass bills on voting rights and infrastructure and various and sundry other things? Is it something else?

Luckily, CNN employs Chris Cillizza, who is able to distill it all down to the most important paragraph in all the news, the one he says we must read today:

Here's the paragraph you need to read today:

It's that simple. This is the paragraph you need to read today, says Cillizza. If you have time to read other paragraphs, that's great for you, we're all very impressed, but if you only have a minute, this is the one you need to read today. It is this paragraph:

"With each passing day away from Washington, former President Donald Trump's grievances continue unabated. And those complaints appear to be driving away two of the people who were closest to him during his White House tenure: his daughter Ivanka Trump and son-in-law, Jared Kushner."

Oh no. According to CNN's sources, Ivanka and Jared are on the outs with the grand dipshit. That is the most important news paragaph, according to Chris Cillizza, News Guy.

But despite how that is the most important news of all the news, we still think Cillizza may be misinterpreting it slightly. You see, he seems to be taking at face value a CNN story sourced to "12 former Trump White House officials, former administration officials, family friends, acquaintances and members of Trump's team," what says Ivanka and Jared don't like Daddy anymore because he whines and bitches a lot about the stolen election and is unable to be present, because he's obsessed with relitigating the past. Which ... fine. That's probably annoying. If he were our father, we'd have let him out on the side of the road years ago. We certainly wouldn't be retrieving his grandpa tighty-whities from whichever omelet station at Mar-a-Lago he last left them at.

Cillizza says, "If you're surprised by any of that, well, you haven't been paying attention." Cillizza says, "the attempted ghosting of the former President by his eldest daughter and son-in-law is the most utterly predictable thing imaginable." Wonkette would gently suggest that Cillizza may be missing the possibility that the real story here is that Ivanka and Jared are leaking stories about themselves allegedly ghosting their one true father, in a pathetic attempt to salvage their eternally destroyed image.

Cillizza notes, correctly:

Yes, they are related to Donald Trump -- and, yes, they want all the benefits and access that comes with that. (That's always been true, but especially since Trump was elected.) At the same time, they want to preserve their access to, for lack of a better word, high society. Jared and Ivanka still want to be liked by the intelligentsia. They want to have access to important places and travel in the circles of the wealthy and well-connected.

Absolutely. They want to be accepted back into polite society. They want to go to cool parties in New York like they used to do. Never ever going to fuckin' happen.

Cillizza goes through a bunch of examples of Ivanka and Jared either saying outright or leaking to the press, during the Trump administration, that they were moderating Daddy's worst instincts and being the calm, reasonable voices in the room. He also notes times they tried to disappear when things got REALLY bad. Then he continues:

It's in keeping with that [...] approach that the duo is now trying to create some space between themselves and the former President as he continues to go further and further down the rabbit hole of conspiracy theories about election fraud in the 2020 campaign.

If the CNN story is correct, it sounds like Javanka really may not be around much anymore. Of course the CNN story also says those fuckers are literally on their way to Trump's Bedminster trash palace as we speak, so they haven't literally vanished. The rest of it is gossip, and we just don't care, besides to note that if Trump does pick up his lazy and slovenly body and starts working to win the 2024 GOP nomination (assuming he's not in prison), those two will launch themselves directly right back up his ass again, waving to Lindsey Graham as they pass him in the fast lane.

But yes, Chris Cillizza, we see that Ivanka and Jared may be planting stories in the press trying to put some distance between their images and that of the world's greatest loser. How any of this is "the paragraph we need to read today" is beyond us.

We sure are glad CNN still pays that guy a big salary, though. If they didn't, we might not have even read that paragraph.

And then what would our day have been like?


[CNN / ibid.]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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