Chris Cuomo, STFU!

CHRIS CUOMO, STOP TALKING! Just take the L, dude. Absent a wingnut plot to rescue you, your ass is about to be ratioed to all eternity. And you deserve it. Please, just shut the fuck up already!

It all started when Jacob Wohl, Stupidest Boy on the Internet, was getting his daily hot chocolate at the hipster coffee bar. The barista leaned in and whispered, "Seriously, Jacob. Not even if you were the last man alive," but young Jacob knows a thing or two about women, so he just took his sippy cup to a stool and settled in a for another morning of eavesdropping and waiting for his balls to drop. At the next table, a group of multi-racial, tattooed young people were whispering furiously amongst themselves.

"Have you heard," said one gimlet-eyed brunette with a nose ring, "Kamala Harris isn't even a US citizen!"

"It's true," said her bra-less blond friend, glancing flirtatiously in Jacob's direction, "Her parents were't even citizens when she was born here."

"Gosh," replied their platonic male companion through his fu manchu, "If your parents aren't citizens, then you aren't one either. It's in the Constitution!"

"Whoa, bitchin!" said the brunette, who absolutely positively does exist and is not a figment of Jacob Wohl's masturbatory fantasies.

Here on Planet Earth, you're a citizen if you're born here. The 14th Amendment clearly states, "All persons born or naturalized in the United States and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside." But Jacob Wohl, who never went to law school but does bear the distinction of being the youngest person ever awarded a lifetime ban by the Securities and Exchange Commission, has an answer for that.

SUCK IT LIBS! Donald Trump says being born here doesn't make you a citizen. You're only a citizen if you marry some gross old dude and get your boobs kidneys redone every three years to make him happy.

But what does that have to do with Chris Cuomo? Well ....

OH, NO HE DIDN'T! A major national news anchor did not just launder the racebaiting propaganda from an internet troll into the realm of "very serious journalism."

No proof either way? Kamala Harris was born in Oakland. And unlike that little puke Wohl, Chris Cuomo did go to law school, so he knows damn well that birthright citizenship is a long-settled issue. Did you not hear us yesterday, asshole?

We are NOT doing this birther shit again. NO DAMN WAY.

There's nothing to back up! There aren't two sides to every story WHEN ONE SIDE IS JUST LYING ABOUT OBJECTIVELY VERIFIED FACTS.

And do not even try to play it off like you were hoping to get past the frivolity so we could concentrate on the real issues in this electoral cycle. You fucked up, dude. BAD.

Oh, lookie here! After trying to distract with a dozen or so pictures of handsome Hugh Jackman and less handsome Michael Cohen, Cuomo has deleted his original tweet. He was just saying that the onus is on Jacob Wohl to prove that the 14th Amendment was never really ratified, and he's real sorry you guys misunderstood him.

Listen, asshole, we know you gotta hit Democrats sometimes to make sure Giuliani and the rest of the treason squad will still come on your show. But do not both-sides objective reality to pretend that a black woman is somehow NOT AMERICAN enough to be president. Because you will get dragged, and you will deserve it. This is not 2016, and we are not doing that shit again.

And speaking of shit we're NOT GOING TO DO AGAIN, can we please knock it off with the Democratic in-fighting? Because we've seen this movie before, and we all know how it ends. If you like Bernie, or Kamala, or Beto, or OHJ, or Kirsten, or Amy, or Sherrod or anybody else, Mazal Tov on your very excellent choice. May the best candidate win, and may we all remember that the planet is facing an existential threat and we don't have time to go to war with each other! In 2019, WE ALL STICK TOGETHER.

Take care of each other, Wonkers. We have a lot of work to do. AND NO KVETCHING IN THE COMMENTS.

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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