Christian Taliban To Crucify Donald Trump For His Sins

Best friends. (pic viaimgur)

Donald Trump is in YOOOGE trouble, mister! He has upset the fundamentalist Christian gatekeepers, and now he shall surely perish, for such are the ways of the Lord. And he's been trying SO HARD to convince them he's one of them too! Just this week, he did Jesus Fight Club with Ben Carson, and he won! And he's told Sarah Palin about how he's such a devout man that his favorite Bible verse is a big secret, something you only share with Jesus. And hell, he eats those little Jesus crackers and drinks the wine at his Presbyterian church, which is remarkable considering how Presbyterians don't drink wine during communion but BQHATEVWR! Details, details.

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So who's all wee-weed up? Let's start with Tony Perkins, Josh Duggar's former boss, who has some interesting ties to the KKK, and who runs the Family Research Council hate group. See, every year, all the wingnuts travel to Washington DC for the Values Voter Summit, and while it's MOSTLY a Grindr-slash-Craigslist sexytime rendezvous party for secretly gay fundamentalists, it's also a place for all the (Republican) candidates to come and see who can slob the gay-hatin', lady-hatin' attendees' knobs the best. And Donald Trump, the frontrunner for the Republican nomination, has just told them to fuck RIGHT off.

Explain what's going on, Christian Post, and be real bitchy about it:

Although some polls have shown that the misogynistic real estate mogul who once favored abortion and carries liberal views on same-sex marriage has had no trouble gaining the support of Evangelicals, Perkins asserted that Trump's refusal to speak at the conference is a sign that he has no interest in conversing with Evangelicals.

"We have got the Values Voters Summit coming up and Donald Trump has passed. He is not going to come," Perkins said. "I think that is going to send a message to Evangelicals and values voters that he wants their support, but he is not really interested in having a conversation with them."

MEOW HISS SCRATCH SCRATCH BITE BITE REEEEEEOWWWWR! Not only is Tony Perkins prissing around like a stood-up Tindr date insisting that he WANTED to eat at this restaurant by himself, but look at that Christian Post writer throwing his OOH GURL shade at Trump! Perkins ends by saying that Trump COULD woo him, by being nicer and maybe going down on him once in a while, "but I don't really see that happening right now."

So who else is mad? Oh, it is the Eagle Forum, the Talibangelical group run by Mother Phyllis Schlafly, which is funded and fueled by the grace of God, its members' donations, and of course the steam that rises off Schlafly's abundant meat farts. And they are having a little stitch 'n' bitch party with the Republican candidates in St. Louis, and guess who ain't on the list? Uh huh.

We ain't even know if he was invited and told them to fuck off or not, but we're going to GUESS they just don't want him there. Why? Because OOH look at this nasty article on the "news" website of the American Family Association hate group, which quotes Cathie Adams, president of the Texas Eagle Forum:

"When I hear from Donald Trump's own lips that he doesn't want to do things that would cause him to ask for forgiveness or to repent, he is not acknowledging that there is a holy God," Adams tells OneNewsNow.

Of course, she was talking about what we discussed above, when Trump said he eats the Jesus crackers, but doesn't ask God for forgiveness or anything, simply because he's NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG.

Why don't these dumb wingnuts understand that Trump is perfect? In fact, yr Wonkette can exclusively report that we have discovered his two favorite Bible verses and surprise, THEY MENTION HIS NAME.  1 Corinthians 15:52 and 1 Thessalonians 4:15 are both all prophetic and shit, but we'll just leave you with the one from 1 Thessalonians:

For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:

Uh, HELLO, evangelical wingnuts. The "Trump Of God," right there! He has been prophesied, and if we're reading that verse correctly, if these moronic Values Voters don't start being nicer to him, then Jesus will NEVER rapture them. Do they really want to NEVER GET RAPTURED?


[Christian Post / St. Louis Post-Dispatch / One News Now via JoeMyGod / Think Progress]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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