Christine Blasey Ford Not As Dumb As Y'all Republicans Wish She Were

On Tuesday, we told you the Senate Judiciary Committee had scheduled a hearing for testimony from both Dr. Christine Blasey Ford and Bart O'Kavanaugh, the entitled white boy idiot who allegedly tried to drunkenly rape her when they were in high school. Oh yeah, also he is nominated to the Supreme Court, so he can take a giant shit all over women's rights, because that's what the GOP and Trump are into. At the time, though, we hedged our report and said "IF IT HAPPENS," because even then we were skeptical that it was going to happen.

Surprise! Wonkette was right, and the hearing may not go on!

Dr. Ford has announced through her lawyer that she'd like the FBI to please do a quick investigation before she allows herself to be subjected to eleven old white male Republican shitbags on the judiciary committee yelling at her in public and calling her a slut. A letter from her lawyer explains that it would be helpful for members of the committee to actually have some facts in front of them before telling her she's "mixed up," which is what Senator Orrin Hatch thinks about her, because Hatch is the worst shitbag of them all, at least for these purposes.

From the lawyer letter:

While Dr. Ford's life was being turned upside down, you and your staff scheduled a public hearing for her to testify at the same table as Judge Kavanaugh in front of two dozen U.S. Senators on national television to relive this traumatic and harrowing incident. The hearing was scheduled for six short days from today and would include interrogation by Senators who appear to have made up their minds that she is "mistaken" and "mixed up." While no sexual assault survivor should be subjected to such an ordeal, Dr. Ford wants to cooperate with the Committee and with law enforcement officials.

It's not that Ford's not willing -- she totally wants to cooperate with the committee, according to her lawyer. But she feels that it might be nice if the senators were, you know, prepared to question her and stuff, and the appropriate way to start that process is with an FBI investigation. Also, because Donald Trump's supporters are exactly the untamed pigs Wonkette always says they are, Ford's having a pretty shitty week trying to protect her own family right now, since they are in hiding for their own personal safety, which makes public Senate Judiciary Committee hearings kind of hard:

"In the 36 hours since her name became public, Dr. Ford has received a stunning amount of support from her community and from fellow citizens across our country. At the same time, however, her worst fears have materialized," the letter said. "She has been the target of vicious harassment and even death threats. As a result of these kind of threats, her family was forced to relocate out of their home. Her email has been hacked, and she has been impersonated online."

Yep, that sounds like Trump supporters.

And some senators agree with her! (Democrats.) However, GOP committee chair Chuck Grassley just doesn't think an investigation will do any good, because why do you need the FBI to determine that ladies are silly and Brett Kavanaugh should be confirmed to the Supreme Court even if he's a big rapist? OK fine, he didn't say exactly that, Wonkette is doing Fake News just like that chart says:

"Dr. Ford's testimony would reflect her personal knowledge and memory of eventts. [...] Nothing the FBI or any other investigator does would have any bearing on what Dr. Ford tells the committee, so there is no reason for any further delay."

And if she doesn't show up, well then YOU'VE TIED CHUCK GRASSLEY'S HANDS, MADAM, and now it's time for Rapey O'Kavanaugh to get to judge stuff with his future BFF Clarence Thomas.

Lindsey Graham got more to the point:

"All I can say is that we're bringing this to a close. [...] They've had tons of time to do this. This has been a drive-by shooting when it comes to Kavanaugh. [...] I'll listen to the lady, but we're going to bring this to a close."

CHRIST, what an asshole.

Also still an asshole? Orrin Hatch:

"I don't anticipate anything happening other that we move forward. I question whether she will [show up]. I don't know whether she will or she won't. [...] We're going to proceed, there's no question about it."

John Cornyn is going with "bitches be lyin'":

"The problem is, Dr. Ford can't remember when it was, where it was or how it came to be," Cornyn told reporters at the Capitol.

Exactly, Senator Cornyn! And Brett Kavanaugh has clearly explained that he wasn't at that party, though he doesn't know what party we are even talking about! Meanwhile, some of Kavanaugh's strongest supporters on the TV have moved the goalposts, suggesting that Dr. Ford misinterpreted "rough horseplay" as "attempted rape," at the party neither of them attended. That's right, guys, Kavanaugh's SUPPORTERS are saying on the TV that maybe he was just Horseplayin' 'Em By The Pussy.

Susan Collins had a real shitty idea for how this hearing should proceed:

It's not a fucking trial! It's a fact-finding mission, and we don't remember Clarence Thomas's counsel getting to interrogate Anita Hill. While we know Republicans want to turn this into an adversarial proceeding where they can paint Dr. Ford as a big slut who had all the sex in high school and was probably asking for it anyway, THAT'S NOT THE POINT OF THIS. Sorry, guys!

Donald Trump, who is A Expert on the FBI, told reporters on the White House lawn Wednesday morning that "it seems the FBI doesn't do that," referring to the types of investigations the FBI routinely does in situations like this.

Hey, they even managed to question Anita Hill back in the day! To be fair, we really don't expect President Mario Kart Dick to know what the fuck the FBI does, aside from the Deep State part of the FBI that chases him in his late night Big Mac Nightmares.

The point is, the statute of limitations on whether Brett Kavanaugh tried to rape Dr. Christine Blasey Ford ends on Monday, according to asshole Republicans like Bob Corker (Hi, my senator) who insist that if there's no testimony Monday, then "let's vote."

But wait, shouldn't we bring in at least Mark Judge, Bart O'Kavanaugh's high school BFF who was in the room when he allegedly did this? Well WOMP WOMP, because he doesn't wanna. If Republicans weren't so hellbent on putting Kavanaugh on the court, they might slow down and send Judge a subpoena, but LOL they are not going to do that.

So is this shit gonna happen on Monday? Oh God, Monday is ONE THOUSAND YEARS FROM NOW in Trump years, therefore we have no fucking idea, so please stop asking us.

[Washington Post / lawyer letter / Politico]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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