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Chrysler Woos Tea Partiers With Awesome George Washington Fan Fiction

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Remember when Chrysler was America's #3 car company, run by the can-do fraudery of Lee Iacocca, and not some terrible money pit owned in equal parts by Barack Obama and the Italians? Now it is exactly the sort of communist foreign enterprise that the "Tea Party," the most important movement in American politics, is most primed to hate! And yet Chrysler would certainly implode (even more so, we mean) if its core customers -- cranky old white people who refuse to buy "Jap" cars -- abandoned them entirely. Thus they were left with only one option: sending three Dodge Challengers back in time so that George Washington could use them to fight the British. SHOCKING VIDEO EVIDENCE, after the jump!


Ha ha, watch those pusillanimous lobsterbacks scatter as the Father of our Country and two faithful lieutenants come speeding out of the woods driving those hideous monster-cars, blaring the soundtrack to Ken Burns' Civil War series on the Challengers' sweet stereo systems. One would think that our Founding Fathers would be at least as smart as your average Somali militiaman and attach cannons to the roof or something, but whatever, they seem to have won this battle handily without firing a shot. USA! USA!

The important grown-up journalists at the Washington Post have decided that this whole ad is a coded message to the Tea Party, on the fairly reasonable assumption that Founding Father cosplay + ambiguous use of the word "freedom" = Tea Party bait. The fact that this ad actually broadcast during the U.S.-England World Cup match on June 11th might also have something to do with it, but, you know, it was probably the Tea Party thing. That's what three and half weeks of exhaustive Washington Post research has shown! There are real quotes from people, and everything! Please, Sharron Angle, use a Dodge Challenger to flee after you assassinate Harry Reid, we beg of you. [WP]

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Guys!

Last

month

was

crazy!

First, NASA sent its last message to the Mars Opportunity rover! THEN scientists said that all the insects are dying but not the human-looking ones in the GOP. As if THAT wasn't enough, some brave pendejos with grandes cojones are going to try and get seafloor creatures from under a giant ice shelf in the ANTARCTIC!

So, yeah, all three of those stories happened last month. Let's cover each in a science lightning round.

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Education Secretary Betsy DeVos is terrible at her job. Her objectives and overall mission are evil, but if it's any consolation she can't effectively implement them. After buying her Cabinet position at Sotheby's, DeVos has spent the past two years trying to roll back Obama-era policies designed to protect and actually educate students. Unfortunately for her evil schemes, federal courts keep smacking down her slimy efforts. It's getting embarrassing.

DeVos recently had to cancel $150 million in student loan debt after courts said her attempts to stop the "borrow defense" regulations from taking effect were in fact illegal. Last week, she was forced to instruct colleges to follow the Obama rule barring mandatory arbitration agreements. She got kicked in the teeth earlier this month when a federal judge ruled she'd acted illegally ... again. This time, DeVos tried to delay an Obama-era guideline that required states to address racial disparities in their special education programs. Judge Tanya S. Chutkan called the delay "arbitrary" and "capricious."

The rule, drafted under the Individuals With Disabilities Education Act, would require states to identify districts with "significant disproportionality" in the number of minority students channeled into special education services, segregated in restrictive classroom settings or disciplined.

OK, so what was the "education" secretary's issue with this rule? We want to imagine there's some rationale we're not seeing and DeVos is more than just some yacht-collecting monster.

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