Chuck Grassley Lost A Limb At Antietam, And Sanjay Insists Anderson Cooper Has The Seven Signs Of The Aporkalypse

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In the name of Her Majesty and the Continental Congress! According to some sort of 'Save Glenn Beck' online petition, Americans overwhelmingly chose WALMART as the symbol of our great Union! Other popular symbols that didn't make the cut: a bald eagle clenching a Kenyan birth certificate with its razor-sharp talons, LYNNDIE ENGLAND pointing at at pyramid of naked LOLCATS, and the piano box casket ...


FRESH GOSSIP-ON-THE-COB: Egad! Silver cuddlebear ANDERSON COOPER has contracted the KANDAHAR KRUP! What is this Krup? A rare and elusive STD, sought after by venereal disease enthusiasts and big-game hunters? Or maybe Kandahar street lingo for fentanyl-laced heroin? Let's ask DR. SANJAY ... Loony Iowan CHUCK GRASSLEY swears on his grandma's Twitter that he served four tours of duty as a young, dashing Zouave during the CIVIL WAR -- and he still has the grapeshot lodged in his anus to prove it ... FRED THOMPSON quotes a memorable line from TOM CLANCY'S latest international hostage crisis thriller ...

MICHELLE MALKIN is horrified that millions of Americans worship BARACK OBAMA as the one true son of a Luo tribesman. Why are you sheeple so impressed that Obama can turn water into KOOL-AID? Michelle will not break bread with you. She is not your neighbor.

Riley Waggaman's WAGG THE BOG appears constantly here at Wonkette. Send your hot gossip to the usual tips@wonkette.com

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