Chuck Grassley will have you know that he may be a whore for corn, but there are some things even he won't do. For instance, he will not kiss this guy on the mouth.


And he's not reading this guy's shitty ghost novels either.

In fact, he'd very much appreciate it if Donald Trump would stop embarrassing the entire Republican party and withdraw these two jackasses from consideration for the federal judiciary. Senator Grassley is doing his able best to pack the courts with reactionaries, and sending him these incompetent boobs is not helping. How's a man supposed to slag the American Bar Association as a liberal PAC when you're sending him a nitwit who never tried a case in his life? Chuck Grassley's a tough guy who eats a bowl of cornflakes soaked in ethanol every morning, but even he has his limits.

Back in October, we told you about Jeff "Dead Eyes" Mateer. He's that charming Texas assistant Attorney General who spends all day trying to keep gay people out of the office so he won't have to keep clogging up his browser researching all the filthy, sweaty, nasty things they do.

And Hobby Lobby gives us a roadmap for protecting business persons. It’s not going to be good enough when you call me and you own — uh, let’s take an example, a bed and breakfast. I don’t know why I would use that. You own a bed and breakfast. And you have some beliefs about, uh, let’s just pick a random topic, like same-sex marriage or same-sex couples. And you have beliefs about that. Now can you, your place of public accommodation, can you restrict to just married couples of the opposite sex? I’d submit to you, I’d submit to you, if you don’t have a written policy, the answer is probably not.

Take Jeff's advice, kids! Spend a good 20 hours googling "Hot Naked Guys In Bed," then put all your plans to discriminate down on paper so they're easy to subpoena. That is very good lawyering.

Also, Jeff Mateer thinks transgender kids are part of Satan's plan. Because of course he does. Naturally Ted Cruz is still supporting him, although John Cornyn, Mateer's other home state senator, has started to hedge his bets. Business Insider reports,

"On the Mateer case, he did not disclose the information before the judicial evaluation committee," he said. "That's a serious broach of protocol."

Way to take a principled stand, Senator!

Trump judicial nominee Brett Talley prepared for a future on the federal bench by penning derivative horror novels, writing speeches for Rob Portman and Mitt Romney, blogging about the need for armed insurrection to protest gun control, and posting 16,381 times to a sports message board on such topics as the need to arm preschool teachers and the poor, misunderstood KKK.

It was only after the perceived depredations of the Union army during reconstruction that Forrest joined (it is highly unlikely that he founded or acted as the Grand Wizard) the first KKK, which was entirely different than the KKK of the early 19th Century. When the Klan turned to racial violence, he distanced himself from the organization as he had long supported the reconciliation of the races. In fact, he often spoke to black organizations.

Yes, let's definitely have a federal judge who thinks Nathan Bedford Forrest license plates are A-OKAY! (Yeah, he really said that.)

There's also the small matter of Talley's failure to disclose the fact that his wife Ann Donaldson is chief of staff to White House Counsel Don McGahn. Oooopsie! And WHAT A COINCIDENCE that Talley was nominated just a few weeks before his wife's interview with Robert Mueller's team about possible White House obstruction of justice. Hmmmmmmmm.

As we predicted, Talley has offered to withdraw his nomination -- he's incompetent, but he's not a fool. And Mateer isn't even scheduled for a hearing by the Judiciary Committee. Grassley is shoveling terrible nominees through at breakneck speed, but it seems these two dipshits are a bridge too far. Grassley spokeswoman Taylor Foy told Buzzfeed,

Chairman Grassley has been concerned about statements made by nominees Mateer and Talley, and he’s conveyed those concerns to the White House. Revelations of Talley’s statements surfaced only after he was reported out of the Judiciary Committee. Mateer’s nomination paperwork has not yet been received by the Committee, and no further action is scheduled.

'Scuse us while we retrieve our eyeballs, they seem to have rolled all the way back into our heads. There are actually people so unqualified that even Republicans won't vote for them, so ... yay, we guess? Grassley is still hot to ruin the judiciary, he's just trying not to be totally obvious about it. But we're feeling generous this morning because of Alabama, so HOORAY IT IS NICETIMES! Republicans grew a (tiny) pair, it's a Chanukah miracle.

Are you a good Wonker who sends us money by Amazon? Well not anymore you’re not, because Amazon done fucked our payment system. Would you be so great as to re-sign with Paypal or Stripe? K we love you bye. (All you others can too.)

[Vice / Business Insider / BuzzfeedWaPo / Slate]

Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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