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Did you watch last night's very stupid and bad Donald Trump Oval Office address about racism, bitterness, lies and WALL? It distracted America from much more important TV, like the funny Ellen DeGeneres game show where she gleefully flings people into space for not being able to correctly identify which one is Kim Kardashian and which one is Khloe.

We watched it, sort of. It was very dumb and bad. He didn't even declare a NATIONAL EMERGY or anything fun like that, because he's a YOOGE loser who isn't even good at being an authoritarian dicksnot president. Afterward, Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi did the Democratic response, and it was OK, except for how they stood next to each other like you see above, and the entire liberal internet subjected them to some FRIENDLY RIBBING for how they looked and sounded like your mom and dad caught you coming home drunk at age 16, two hours after curfew, and on top of that you didn't even finish your vegetables, what's wrong with you, drunk-ass ungrateful teenager, EAT YOUR GODDAMNED FUCKING PEAS. Anyway, YOU ARE GROUNDED for two weeks, but mommy and daddy are just happy you are safe, because that's the most important thing of all.

It was like that.

And it beat Trump in the ratings, according to the early numbers, oh my God, nobody tell Trump, just kidding, everybody tell Trump:


The quarter hour (9-9:15 p.m. ET) containing the president's speech drew a combined 28.1 household rating in metered markets on ABC, CBS, Fox, NBC, CNN, Fox News and NBC. The following 15 minutes, including analysis and the Pelosi-Schumer rebuttal, averaged 29.3 across those same networks, a bump of about 4 percent.

Here are some more details:

Yes, that's right, President Reality Star couldn't get bigger ratings than Chuck 'n' Nancy for sitting in the Oval Office reading lies off the teleprompter and sniffing like a grown-ass man who can't swallow pills so he snorts Adderall. Guess America just hates his stupid face and voice, which makes sense considering how they didn't vote for him in the 2016 election and handed him his ass in the 2018 midterms.

And this happened even though Chuck 'n' Nancy, God bless their hearts, looked and talked like they just got off the phone with your history teacher, who told them she caught you passing notes to Schuyler in class again and also you didn't turn in your homework.

(Next time, Chuck 'n' Nancy, just pick one of you! And the one you should pick is Nancy! Or pick Hakeem Jeffries, he's fabulous on TV.)

The point of this post is to rub salt in the president's failures and call him a loser a whole bunch.

LOSER.

[Hollywood Reporter]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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One of the most common things to say in America, just behind "Happy Birthday" and "NO COLLUSION," is "Mitch McConnell should go fuck himself." It works for all occasions, whether you have just stubbed your toe or whether you are in the middle of your wedding to your sweetheart. Try it!

But why should Mitch McConnell go fuck himself at this particular moment? Let's look at the top three current reasons!

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Sucks to be you, Pat Shanahan! The acting Defense secretary is currently under investigation for preferential treatment of his former bosses at Boeing, who just got busted letting planes fall out of the sky if buyers skimped on the upgrades. Shanahan was never a favorite of Trump's, and now his chances of getting made Big Boy For Real Sec Def are decreasing by the day. Which means that he's going through all this shit for nothing! Womp womp!

What shit, you ask? Well! Last night Shanahan announced the first tranche of the "found" money the DoD is shifting over to fund WALL in defiance of Congress's constitutional spending powers. The Defense Department will be transferring the cash from accounts meant to support military personnel into "anti-drug funding," which they've decided means they can use it to build "18-foot-high pedestrian fencing, constructing and improving roads, and installing lighting within the Yuma and El Paso Sectors of the border." Already pissed off about the fake EMERGY declaration, although not pissed enough to override a veto, congresspeople on both sides of the aisle are hopping mad that the Trump administration dicked them around for months, shut down the government, forced them to negotiate for wall funding in good faith, and then said HA HA SUCKERS, WE'RE JUST GOING TO STEAL IT FROM THE RAINY DAY FUND ANYWAY!

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