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Did you watch last night's very stupid and bad Donald Trump Oval Office address about racism, bitterness, lies and WALL? It distracted America from much more important TV, like the funny Ellen DeGeneres game show where she gleefully flings people into space for not being able to correctly identify which one is Kim Kardashian and which one is Khloe.

We watched it, sort of. It was very dumb and bad. He didn't even declare a NATIONAL EMERGY or anything fun like that, because he's a YOOGE loser who isn't even good at being an authoritarian dicksnot president. Afterward, Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi did the Democratic response, and it was OK, except for how they stood next to each other like you see above, and the entire liberal internet subjected them to some FRIENDLY RIBBING for how they looked and sounded like your mom and dad caught you coming home drunk at age 16, two hours after curfew, and on top of that you didn't even finish your vegetables, what's wrong with you, drunk-ass ungrateful teenager, EAT YOUR GODDAMNED FUCKING PEAS. Anyway, YOU ARE GROUNDED for two weeks, but mommy and daddy are just happy you are safe, because that's the most important thing of all.

It was like that.

And it beat Trump in the ratings, according to the early numbers, oh my God, nobody tell Trump, just kidding, everybody tell Trump:


The quarter hour (9-9:15 p.m. ET) containing the president's speech drew a combined 28.1 household rating in metered markets on ABC, CBS, Fox, NBC, CNN, Fox News and NBC. The following 15 minutes, including analysis and the Pelosi-Schumer rebuttal, averaged 29.3 across those same networks, a bump of about 4 percent.

Here are some more details:

Yes, that's right, President Reality Star couldn't get bigger ratings than Chuck 'n' Nancy for sitting in the Oval Office reading lies off the teleprompter and sniffing like a grown-ass man who can't swallow pills so he snorts Adderall. Guess America just hates his stupid face and voice, which makes sense considering how they didn't vote for him in the 2016 election and handed him his ass in the 2018 midterms.

And this happened even though Chuck 'n' Nancy, God bless their hearts, looked and talked like they just got off the phone with your history teacher, who told them she caught you passing notes to Schuyler in class again and also you didn't turn in your homework.

(Next time, Chuck 'n' Nancy, just pick one of you! And the one you should pick is Nancy! Or pick Hakeem Jeffries, he's fabulous on TV.)

The point of this post is to rub salt in the president's failures and call him a loser a whole bunch.

LOSER.

[Hollywood Reporter]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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CLEAR YOUR CALENDARS FOR FEBRUARY 7! And then fill them back up with whatever the fuck you want, because Michael Cohen has announced through his lawyers that he is too scared to testify before an open session of Congress that day, citing threats to his family from Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani.

Wonkette has no reason to believe Cohen isn't being serious here, and NBC News reports Cohen's wife and father-in-law are particularly concerned about their safety if the man who used to call his boss MIS-TURRRR TWUMP goes to Congress and tells the truth this time. Still, we must pause to note that this is the same guy who said this to NPR reporter Tim Mak, back when Mak was at The Daily Beast:

"I will make sure that you and I meet one day while we're in the courthouse. And I will take you for every penny you still don't have," Cohen told Mak [...] "And I will come after your Daily Beast and everybody else that you possibly know."

"So I'm warning you, tread very fucking lightly, because what I'm going to do to you is going to be fucking disgusting. You understand me?"

It's not so fun when the shoe is on the other foot, IS IT, MICHAEL?

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Did Nancy Pelosi do something to give Donald Trump the mistaken impression he has leverage here? We don't remember her doing anything like that!

Trump sent Pelosi a letter this morning to say that, despite how she told him to stay the fuck out of her House because of his government shutdown, he would still be coming to the House on January 29 to deliver his State of the Union address. And for some weird-ass reason, Trump and his advisers in the White House actually thought she would back down. It's both hilarious and alarming that Trump and his people are that stupid, isn't it?

Anyway, Pelosi took the dare. She took the dare. Was there anybody besides those dumb fucking idiots in the White House who thought she wouldn't take the dare?

Pelosi sent a letter right back to Trump to kindly explain to him that no means "go fuck yourself," and that if he'd like her to stick her foot further up his ass and kick it around a bunch, he's welcome to test her some more:

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