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Chuck Norris Is Your New Godhead

Bow down before the one you serveAs they enter year six of John McCain's thousand-year battle for Mesopotamia, American and Iraqi troops have wearied of worshiping the same old "Jesus" and "Allah." They're in the mood for something new...different...mustachioed! And fortunately, one cult figure is fresh off the Biggest Republican Loser campaign trail and ready for duty.


Onetime presidential candidate Mike Huckabee delivered on his hard-earned evangelical credentials when he exported his cult of Chuck Norris to vulnerable overseas troops. Our brave young men and women, seeking solace in the hellish Crescent of Doom, now erect weird cardboard shrines to the action figure and chant paeans to his name.

"The fastest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist," reads one message at the shrine, which consists of a signed photo of the actor surrounded by similar statements.

"Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter," reads one and "Chuck Norris divides by zero," reads another.

Known as Chuck Norris "facts," the claims have already become an Internet phenomenon, and scores are featured on www.chucknorrisfacts.com ...

Some 20 U.S. military personnel and support staff spoken to by Reuters could recite at least one Norris "fact," despite many having not visited the Web site.

Norris has made several trips overseas to check on the progress of his nascent cult and to extract pledges of fealty from his followers. One glassy-eyed indoctrinee said, "I've seen his videos, he's a hero. He saves the city, he protects women and children and he fights crime wherever it is. We should all be like Chuck Norris."

'Chuck Norris is the only WMD in Iraq' [Reuters]

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Roger Stone, you got some 'splainin' to do, Mister! Remember all those times Stone swore on his Nixon tattoo that he never had any contact with Russians, wasn't a campaign surrogate, and wasn't tipped off to stolen DNC emails in advance? Like that time he told the Washington Post:

"I've never been to Russia. I didn't talk to anybody who was identifiably Russian during the two-year run-up to this campaign," he said. "I very definitely can't think of anybody who might have been a Russian without my knowledge. It's a canard."

Stone told the House Intelligence Committee the same thing last September, but, LOL FUNNY STORY! Seems that Stone just plum forgot about that time in May, 2016 when Trump communications advisor Michael Caputo asked him to meet with Henry Greenberg, "a man with a Make America Great Again hat and a viscous Russian accent." The Washington Post reports, Greenberg was offering sexxxxy Russian dirts on Hillary Clinton, which Stone and Caputo were only too happy to grab by the pussy. But they just couldn't get there!

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Congressman Beto O'Rourke, who hopes to replace Ted Cruz in the US Senate this fall, is one of several Texas and El Paso leaders participating in a march to the just-opened tent city at the US/Mexico border in Tornillo, Texas, where children have already been imprisoned "placed."

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