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I KNOW SOMETHING YOU DON'T KNOW.


[contextly_sidebar id="Q2RMX06Olj2Ry0INg9h2HK8tFpdmAIy4"]World famous terrific businessman and frontrunner for the Republican presidential nomination (LOL) Donald Trump took a break Tuesday night from saying shit-ass things about the Brussels attacks to defend a woman's honor. Specifically, he needed to defend the honor of the woman he's closest to, the woman he considers the most bangable vagina-haver in all of the United States of Trump. His daughter Ivanka! Haha just kidding. Though he considers his daughter to be spectacularly fuckable, we're talking about his wife Melania.

You see, a Trump-hatin' super PAC called Make America Awesome has been circulating this ad:

[contextly_sidebar id="so8OHbXewUKvGXF14SE4ncHOa73HBlJi"]UH OH BOOBIES! Wonkette is a booby-positive mommyblog, so we must say this Make America Awesome group what's trying to elect Cruz and Stop Trump is a big fuck-passel of prudish dickholes. Of course, the group ran this ad (and a few others) to convince Mormons in Utah and Arizona not to vote Trump, presumably because seeing Melania all wet like that would make them feel shame up inside their magic underpants near their dirty-holes, and Ted Cruz DID win the United States Of Mormon Utah, so .... good job we guess?

So Donald Trump clocked in at his "office" AKA Twitter and blamed Ted Cruz, with an extra-special threat added for Ted's wife Heidi:

We should mention that was the second tweet Trump sent. In the first one, which he quickly deleted, he forgot to say "Lyin' Ted." It's all about branding, obviously, just like Trump Steaks and the Mar-a-Lago. How will people even know which smarmy choad-faced human punching bag named Ted Cruz he's talking about if he doesn't include his #branding?

[contextly_sidebar id="R0l1F4VmbAKgwDbQmC3weIgjzLrlNcKj"]Anyshizz, Ted Cruz The Canadian Fisty Man pulled his Canadian Fist out of his Bible Hole (he was having alone time and Trump interrupted him) and shook it at Trump on the tweeter:

Uh oh shots fired whoa, like Heidi Cruz probably got the biggest ladyboner of her whole life seeing her husband defend her like that. "Oh my foreign-born knight in shining armor!" she probably said before she raised her skirts and flung herself prostrate on the settee so she could show her appreciation, by copulating with her husband.

Where were we? (You? You are dying of the mental images in your head right now. You're welcome.)

So! Ted Cruz is technically correct, though we are loath to admit such a thing. He was not behind those ads. But WTF is Donald Trump threatening to reveal about Heidi Cruz???? Like, we've heard about the time she was found on the side of the road in Texas, and a cop thought she was a "danger to herself," and that she has struggled with depression. OLD NEWS, Trump, you can read it in last year's issue of "BuzzFeed" next time you're on the john.

We know she used to be a big Goldman Sachs Wall Street lady. Somehow we don't think that is what Trump is saying.

[contextly_sidebar id="dIWqvrhzCJmF6MwHIfNTdkFOfCkXplFQ"]We know she's legally blind, because she's on record saying that Ted Cruz looks just like God. (CORRECTION: Our sources at "science" have informed us that does not mean Heidi Cruz is "blind," but that she has bad taste in men, or maybe she's never actually seen what Our Lord looks like naked. OUR MISTAKE.)

We know she was so grossed out by Iowa Republican voters in the days leading up to the caucus that she was reportedly taking a whole bunch of showers every single day. This is actually pretty reasonable, because it's a known bit of Iowa State Trivia that all the state's Republicans are either currently fucking the Iowa State Fair Butter Cow up the ass, or they're waiting in line, at all times. They're a greasy people.

SO WHAT DOES DONALD TRUMP KNOW ABOUT HEIDI THAT WE DON'T? Is she a Democrat? Is she a secret Hill-bot who's only campaigning for her husband because she knows he's going to lose to her girl Hillz? Is she the hottest lay at CPAC, like every year? Do she and Ted have key parties with Ted's dry-drunk dad and Jesus? WHAT IS IT, DONALD?

Is there a sex tape?

Is it with Hulk Hogan? (RELEASE THE TAPE IF SO, GAWKER. This one actually WOULD be newsworthy.)

Did Donald Trump bang her????

Does she put on waders and dumpster-dive behind Planned Parenthood at night, so she can steal all the delicious Texas BBQ-style Planned Parenthood baby parts to eat for dinner, because she's too much of a cheapskate to pay full price?

WHAT IS IT WHAT IS IT WHAT IS IT?

We're dying over here, Trump. Help a buddy out.

[Trump on Twitter / Ted on Twitter / Buzzfeed]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.


Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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