Maybelle Can't Wait To Go To Heaven, Where All The Appliances Are Viking And Nobody Is Mexican
Because it had been literal days since a journalist published an article about venturing into the hinterlands to meet the rubes and find out why they still love Donald Trump, the Washington Post served us up something special on Sunday! WaPo's Stephanie McCrummen went to Luverne, Alabama (population 2,700) -- more specifically to the First Baptist Church in Luverne, Alabama -- to find out how God's country faithful who hate the sin and love the sinner (Donald Trump) are holding up. Here is what she learned as she traveled through the pews of First Baptist and shook hands.
(Wonkette has changed all the names to protect the ignorant, even though WaPo used their real names LOLOL, WaPo is a dick.)
Heaven is full of birds, whereas Hell is a real shithole country.
Bubba Ray is the pastor of First Baptist and he recently preached on "Thou shalt not commit adultery." This was weird because of all of Trump's constant boning.
Everybody likes Bubba. He's nice.
Bubba wears a pin on his lapel, and it is the same size as the feet of a 10-week-old fetus. Bubba often looks at his pin to remind him about the abortions.
Lurlene is an 82-year-old congregant, and she thinks God sent Donald Trump as a "second chance before the End Times." She is pretty sure the media is lying when they say Trump is a big gross crusty sinner.
Lurlene knows what Heaven will be like, and it will feature birds, because Lurlene is totally fucking into birds.
Lurlene also knows what Hell will be like, and it will involve losing your eyesight while getting eaten by worms on islands full of fire.
(Your choice, heathens: Are you a bird-watcher, or do you want to BE ON FIRE?)
Trevor and Kelcie Beth are a younger couple, and they know who lies a lot, and it is the Devil. Trevor says the Holy Spirit told him to vote for Trump, but admits he was not happy when Trump said that thing about "shithole" countries. After all, Jesus came from Nazareth, which Trevor is pretty sure was a real shithole.
Trevor and Kelcie Beth are also pretty excited about going to Heaven, but they didn't say a bunch of crap about birds like Lurlene did.
Jethro and Ruthie Grace are married. He doesn't like supporting a big gross adulterer president but he does anyway. She cries when she says the word "abortion."
Cletus and his wife don't like supporting a big gross adulterer president, but have you heard about Hillary Clinton? She is "sinister" and "evil" and "I'd say, of Satan," because #reasons they heard on Fox News probably. Cletus is certain that Hillary Clinton hates him and also hates Pastor Bubba. Who could hate Pastor Bubba, whose lapel pin is the same size as the fetus feet?
Jesus loves the (white) children ... all the (white) children of the world ... blah blah blah blah blah blah WHITE, they are precious in his sight ...
Maybelle is pretty sure all the Christians are going to get murdered. But oh, do not think Maybelle is only pretty sure of that one thing, because she also knows Barack Obama was a tool of the "Islamic Nation." Maybelle's BFF Dixie really hates the immigrants, and not just the Muslim ones. Maybelle calls them the "unpapered people."
One time Maybelle went to the emergency room and "unpapered people" got treated before real white Americans got treated! Maybelle does not specify whether the "unpapered people" got there first, or if their injuries were more severe than the real white Americans' injuries, but we are pretty sure that does not matter.
Maybelle knows that when God wrote "love thy neighbor" in the Bible, he meant "love thy American neighbor." Likewise, all that shit about hospitality and caring for strangers in the Bible? ONLY AFTER THEY SHOW YOU THEIR PAPERS.
Maybelle is not goddamned done talking:
"The Bible says, 'If you do this to the least of these, you do it to me,' " Sheila said, quoting Jesus. "But the least of these are Americans, not the ones crossing the border."
Maybelle thinks slaves had it pretty good.
Maybelle thinks if you take down Confederate loser traitor statues and replace them with monuments that commemorate lynchings, that will just enrage The Blacks.
Maybelle does not want to go back to "that Rosa Parks time" in history. It was fuckin' ROUGH for the whites, and Maybelle remembers, because she was there.
Heaven has granite countertops and Hell is for Mexicans and Hillary, we guess.
Maybelle thinks she may have to die for her Christian faith but she hopes not. (Yeah, we're still with Maybelle.)
Maybelle is pretty sure Heaven has a lot of plants in it. Just fuckin' plants, everywhere, angels tripping on plants.
Maybelle has opinions about the kitchen appliances, in Heaven. "I think it's going to be beautiful to see all the appliances," she says. FUCKIN' YOOGE GOLD-PLATED APPLIANCES. And they never go out of style. In Heaven. The appliances. In the Heaven kitchens.
In the Heaven kitchens, all the appliances will be Viking.
AND HILLARY CLINTON AND THE MEXICANS WON'T BE THERE.
Let us pray.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT NOW, DO IT RIGHT NOW!
- Would You Realize This Report From Trump Country Was Satire If ... ›
- New York Post Goes On Cletus Safari, Finds This Scrappy Blue ... ›
- What I Learned From Reading All The Media Safaris Into 'Trump ... ›
- 2017 LIEBERMAN AWARD WINNER: THE CLETUS SAFARI ... ›
- The Politico Goes On A Cletus Safari, Finds Two Angry NFL Fans ... ›