"I'm only 19 BUT as you can clearly see from my big red badge, I have an internship yanking the goose hairs off Congressman Blowhard's back -- you know, THE Congressman Blowhard? -- So, my friends and I would like a pitcher of Poland Spring Vodka but you don't need to bring extra glasses, a few straws will be fine. Wait, do you have Crazy Straws? YOU DO?!" [Spotted: DC Interns]

Welcome to the District of Columbia, where HIV runs free like the Potomac River, all the way to Chesapeake Bay! And a special shout-out to CVS for putting all the condoms under lock and key, like a Good Neighbor would. Of course, this policy isn't nearly as compassionate as the 9-month wait before CVS will sell you Plan B. [DCist]

It's disgusting to see how Facebook has encouraged countless acts of sexual harassment, In Real Life. [Holla Back DC]

Why don't the young people of Montgomery County want to learn the noble trades of blacksmithery and fishmongering? [Washington Examiner]

The Arlington Chamber of Commerce hired Mobb Deep to write a rap about life on the streets. Our favorite couplet: "No doubt, watchin' my back and proceed with caution / Five-oh lurkin', no time to get lost in -- Whole Foods." [DCist]

Remember to receive racist e-mails from your school board president this weekend! That, and more. [Paul Slansky/TIME]