Todos somos perdedores

Any diehard Wonkers masochistic enough to watch this turd volcano of a fifth GOP kiddie table debate (both of you) probably want some "information" about the "candidates" and their "positions," so here you go: It's four soon-to-be has-beens desperately making a last flailing bid for national attention. What has changed from the last undercard debate? For one thing, Bobby Jindal's gone, finally, which we have to point out because you wouldn't have missed him anyway. Chris Christie, thanks to pathetic but just high enough polling in New Hampshire, has re-ascended to the grownups' debate, and through some bizarre twist of statistics, George Pataki and Lindsey Graham are both back at Happy Hour, perhaps because not even CNN wanted anyone to have to endure an hour of only Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum fighting over who hugs fetuses and hates gays the most. If he has any sense, Graham started drinking before the limo picked him up.

If you have any sense, you're on at least your third round yourselves, like we are. Say your prayers to the deity of your choice, pop up some popcorn (or grab a box of Milk Bone brand doggie treats), and let's get this horror show on the road. The real debate, insofar as any of the top tier candidates can be said to be nonfictional, allegedly begins at 8:30 ET, although it's CNN, so it could start any time, really, possibly even right in the middle of this one. Trump could just have some hired goons come onto the stage and start flinging guys into the wings. Please? We'd watch that.