This copy of the Constitution came in a box of cereal

Welfare rancher and dipshit militia icon Cliven Bundy upped his legal game Tuesday, filing a lawsuit naming Barack Obama, Harry Reid, and U.S. District Judge Gloria Navarro, the federal judge in his Nevada criminal case, as defendants. Among other things, Bundy wants immediate release from prison, all charges against him dropped, $50 million in damages, and perhaps a shrubbery. At the very least, Bundy wants to be represented by wingnut lawyer (and Wonkette frenemy) Larry Klayman, and to have Navarro removed from the case because she's incredibly biased against him:

“In short, defendant Navarro has shown her true intentions and bias and prejudice, rising to the level of denying Sixth Amendment right of counsel and to a speedy trial to plaintiff Bundy, following the ‘marching orders’ of her benefactors, defendants Harry Reid and Obama,” attorney Joel Hansen alleges in the complaint.

Navarro refused to grant Klayman permission to represent Bundy because Klayman currently faces disciplinary proceedings by the Washington DC Bar in an ethics case. The lawsuit paints that refusal as evidence that Navarro refuses to let Bundy mount an adequate defense. We'd say any judge who prevents Klayman from representing someone is actually doing the defendant a favor.

When Hansen handed Navarro the lawsuit Tuesday he asked Navarro to remove herself from Bundy's criminal case, since she's named as a defendant in the lawsuit. Navarro didn't quite buy that claim:

The judge responded that case law doesn't let a defendant create such a scenario.

But Navarro invited Hansen to try to identify whether her work as a prosecutor in the Clark County district attorney's office before she was nominated to the federal bench created for her a conflict in the Bundy case. She set a May 25 date to rule whether she'll step aside.

Yr Wonkette is Not A Lawyer, but that seems like a dubious legal strategy: Want a new judge in your criminal case? Sue the judge, and you automatically get a new one since they're biased after you sued them! Hansen also took the opportunity to claim Bundy is a political prisoner being persecuted unjustly, exactly like Nelson Mandela.

The complaint is a glorious collection of conspiracy theories and loosely reasoned allegations tying together Obama, Reid, Harry Reid's son, Rory Reid, and Judge Navarro in a web of intrigue and crazy. Here's Hansen's epic description of how the standoff between Bundy and law enforcement came about:

We like that "equivalent of federal storm-troopers" bit. Also the "mercenaries" and "so called federal agents" bits. Out in Reality Land, of course, Harry Reid had nothing to do with the decision to seize Bundy's cattle -- the BLM attempted to take them because Bundy had refused to pay grazing fees for 20 years and was letting them graze on federal land that had been closed to ranching to protect habitat for the endangered desert tortoise. The lawsuit even repeats the completely debunked claim that Reid wanted to force Bundy out of business because Reid supposedly wanted to lease nearby land to a Chinese company for a solar power generating scheme.

Again, in reality, while Reid's son Rory had been negotiating with a Chinese company to set up a solar power array, the location was actually in Laughlin, Nevada, a good hundred miles away, and the deal had fallen through a year before the ranch standoff. Politifact gave the alleged Reid connection a "pants-on-fire" rating, a phrase we sort of wish had made it into a legal document as well. Then there's that bit about Harry Reid owning "93 acres adjacent to the Bundy ranch," which Forbes reporter JJ MacNab had no end of fun mocking on Twitter Tuesday. She points out that, yes, someone named "Reid" owns 93 acres near the Bundy ranch. But that land doesn't belong to Harry Reid: it was owned by "Laverne Reid, an octogenarian from Bunkerville," who's actually a Bundy cousin, and what's more, the title to the land had been transferred to another family well before the standoff anyway.

Reid is also accused of attempting to poison public sentiment against Bundy by calling him a "domestic terrorist" simply for being a peaceable rancher who invited a whole bunch of friends with guns to come help him defend himself from all those federal stormtroopers.

Our favorite part of the complaint cites Barack Obama's comedy riffs at the 2014 White House Correspondents' Dinner as evidence of Obama's "Threatening, mocking, and disparaging" Bundy, to paint him as a racist (the complaint mistakenly says these remarks were from the 2016 dinner):

The complaint carefully points out that Cliven Bundy is no racist, and had in fact chosen the word "negro" as the most appropriate word after consulting a dictionary. Actual line from the complaint: "Indeed, the Reverend Martin Luther King referred to his people as 'Negroes' and he is recognized as the greatest African-American civil rights leader in American history." SO THERE, OBAMA!

There's other stuff in there too, like a bizarre chain of connections intended to show Navarro is biased. The complaint says she's a "Latino activist" who went to law school at Arizona State university, which is in Maricopa County. Now, since Joe Arpaio is the Maricopa County Sheriff, and he's been unjustly accused of racism just because he lost a racial profiling case, AND Arpaio and Klayman have sued Barack Obama over his executive orders granting "amnesty to over 5 million illegal aliens," AND Arpaio supports Donald Trump's plan to build a wall to keep out illegal aliens, then obviously Navarro is incredibly biased in favor of Obama (who appointed her to the federal bench) and against Klayman, and by extension, Bundy. And here's the capper:

It all fits together so seamlessly! After Navarro excluded Klayman from representing Bundy last month, Klayman had a fine snit over her obvious bias:

“The ruling demonstrates that the judge has an extra-judicial bias and prejudice against Cliven Bundy and his counsel, for which disqualification is required,” Klayman said. “The judge was recommended by Harry Reid and appointed by President Barack Obama, and the order wears her political allegiance on her sleeve.”

In response to the lawsuit, Sen. Reid's office issued this statement:

Oh no. More of that "domestic terrorist" libel! Time for another lawsuit, probably, especially since Bundy's civil suit is going to be handled by yet another accomplice of two of the defendants. The Las Vegas Review Journal notes, slyly, that

The lawsuit was randomly assigned to U.S. District Judge Jennifer Dorsey, another Obama appointee recommended by Reid.

Some of the cowflop the lawsuit threw against the wall will surely stick, and Cliven Bundy will be sprung any minute now, you bet. And his derp goes marching on.

[Oregonian / Las Vegas Review-Journal / Bundy complaint / Politifact / JJ MacNab on Twitter / Jon Ralston on Twitter

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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