CNN EXCLUSIVE: Beware The Flag Of Radical Islamic Dildos And Buttplugs

  • While The Gays and their friends were priding through streets all over the world, CNN International assignment editor Lucy Pawle reported this shocking discovery at the Gay Pride in London, where she spotted a "quite distinctive man" with a quite distinctive flag:

    This man dressed in black and white was waving what appeared to be a very bad mimicry, but a clear attempt to mimic, the ISIS flag, the black and white flag with the distinctive lettering. I mean, if you look at the flag closely, it's clearly not Arabic. In fact, it looks like it could be gobbledy gook. But it's very distinctive the ISIS flag.

    Except that if you look at the flag even more closely, and you're the kind of person who might know such things, the "gobbledy gook" is actually sex toys of varying shapes and sizes, for various bodily orifices. Which makes it slightly less concerning and slightly more -- oh, what is the word? Hilarious? And sad at the same time? Terrific journamalisming there, CNN. Also, it seems kind of unlikely that ISIS would be flying its freak flag, or any similar knock-off, at a gay pride event. Probably not the best place for ISIS recruitment. Just a guess.

    Ms. Pawle reported that she was the only one who seemed to notice, maybe because most of the gay pride crowd is more familiar with what those "gobbledy gook" objects are and do not fear their terrorist threat. Not that we'd want to make any unfair assumptions based on stereotypes; sex toys aren't just for The Gays, after all. We recognized some of the flag's "gobbledy gook" as remarkably similar to some items we may or may not keep in the drawer of our heterosexual bedside table. For a friend. A special friend.

  • Apparently, Greece is collapsing:

    Greece will keep its banks closed on Monday and place restrictions on the withdrawal and transfer of money, Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras said in a televised address on Sunday night, as Athens tries to avert a financial collapse.

    The government’s decision to close banks temporarily and impose other so-called capital controls — and to keep the stock market closed on Monday — came hours after the European Central Bank said it would not expand an emergency loan program that has been propping up Greek banks in recent weeks while the government was trying to reach a new debt deal with international creditors.

  • First, South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham said it was just fine for his state to fly the Confederate flag. Then, after being nationally humiliated and criticized for his defense, he said maybe it wasn't just fine after all. This oh-so-bold reversal probably hasn't won Graham any new supporters, but it's made him a few new enemies:

    At the Wal-Mart on Calhoun Memorial Highway, Confederate memorabilia had already been cleared from the shelves on Friday, but the flag shone from the front license-plate holder of a Chevy pickup in the parking lot. The truck’s owner, Rita Haney, 28, said she wasn’t bowing to the flag’s opponents. She’s planning to fly a big one in her front yard, “just to piss them the f—- off.”

    She expressed dismay that that group now includes her state’s senior senator. “My dad loved Lindsey Graham,” said Haney. “He would roll over in his grave.”

    There were others in the diners and under the shade trees in and around the town whose support Graham has lost in the past week. “He went from being all right to a coward,” said a 60-year-old logger wearing a National Tractor Pullers Association hat in a booth at Paw’s Diner in nearby Seneca, where Graham now lives.

  • Our friends at Happy Nice Time People report that people do not actually want 13 (thousand) channels of shit on the T.V. to choose from:

    What do the people want? Survey says they’d prefer to pay about $38 for a bundle of 17 channels they’d actually like to watch, which turns out to be mostly the stuff you’d find on basic-basic cable.

    ABC tops the list of what viewers crave, so we’re guessing the survey was done immediately prior to the finale of How to Get Away with Murder. What channel comes next on the “can’t live without” list? The Discovery Channel. Really! It was surprise to us, too, but it might have something to do with sharks. Who doesn’t love soulless predators?

  • If you have not yet watched President Obama's amazing eulogy for the Charleston victims, you must do that. Do that right now.

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