CNN Taking Revenge On Snarky Viewers By Inflicting Newt Gingrich On Them
CNN, the fallen child prodigy of television journalism, has spent the majority of its time after the Clinton Impeachment periodically re-branding in an increasingly pathetic attempt to stave off the inevitable decline into irrelevance. The most recent iteration of CNN has involved copying their meth-ed out stripper of a sister channel “HLN” because nothing says "respecting your audience” like savaging them with non-stop Casey Anthony updates. However even this effort ended terribly as CNN continually bungled its Boston Bombing coverage to the point where even your mom was getting decent cracks at their expense on Twitter.
Obviously this sort of awfulness calls for a desperate attempt at salvation, and since CNN has no confidence in the intelligence of its viewership, the idea of just recycling an older crappy show makes sense. So it was in that vein that CNN announced earlier this year that they are taking full advantage of Jon Stewart’s temporary absence from TV to re-introduce “CROSSFIRE”, a show featuring the same commentators that you hate in other shows but with MOAR SCREAMING.
TV Gold right? Well obviously that depends on the hosts that CNN’s new head, Jeff Zucker (aka the man responsible for the war crime of keeping Donald Trump relevant), chooses from “the right and the left.” But judging from the rumors about who these individuals might be, it is apparent that CNN is done trying to woo viewers and is now just going to hate fuck them into compliance with performance art levels of absurdity. So look out world because Newt fucking Gingrich will be scaring your children while grifting from your grandparents on the tee-vee this summer.
Sources now tell POLITICO that the network is in discussions with former Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich and former Obama deputy campaign manager Stephanie Cutter about roles on the show.
"They are talking to Cutter and to Gingrich," a source familiar with the discussions said. "[Cutter] is in discussions; Newt is in discussions too," another source confirmed.
Spokespeople with CNN did not respond to a request for comment regarding the news. Both Cutter and a Gingrich spokesperson did not respond to emails requesting confirmation.
Should the talks go through, it is unclear whether the former House Speaker and the former Obama campaign staffer would go head-to-head on a regular basis, or whether they would be part of a rotating cast of co-hosts.
Oh wonderful, Newt Gingrich and that lady who flooded your email inbox last year begging for money with scary stories of Social Security cuts and ridiculous austerity measures under a Mitt Romney Presidency. (Thank god her efforts helped Barack Obama win so that he could propose those exact same awful ideas.) This should make for compelling and intelligent television, especially when Newt gets all crotchety and blames black people for thwarting his chance to become viceroy of the moon, or hits on his co-host once Calista’s hand jewel starts blinking.
CNN could very easily decide to repurpose their actually decent international programming and bring over legitimately fantastic correspondents like Christiane Amanpour to host prime time shows with substance and intelligence. They could even go a step further by ritualistically catapulting Wolf Blitzer and Piers Morgan out of Atlanta Rex Banner style to the delight of everyone. But they have instead insisted on re-doing that wonderfully successful dynamic from Parker/Spitzer, only this time switching the party affiliations between the disgraced philanderer and the lady that nobody has heard of.
Remember next time you are watching CNN while weeping over your non-existent retirement fund that Jeff Zucker is paid in dump trucks full of gold bullion every year to think up of these genius ideas.