CNN Typist LZ Granderson Simply Does Not Care For Investigative Reporting


Americans are so NOSY, you guys, what with their unrelenting interference inVice Presidential matters and this bizarre obsession with "unsealing" classified documents to better understand the mistakes and triumphs of the past. Thomas Jefferson? Moron. James Madison? Hippie. And don’t even get me started on George Washington.

Via an Op-ed piece by CNN journalist typist LZ Granderson:

We are a nosy country. Though to be fair, it's not entirely our fault. Between the 24/7 news cycle, social media and reality TV, we have been spoon fed other people's private business for so long we now assume it's a given to know everything. And if there are people who choose not to disclose, they must be hiding something. Being told that something's "none of your business" is slowly being characterized as rude, and if such a statement is coming from the government, it seems incriminating.

Times have changed. Yet, not everything is our business. And in the political arena, there are things that should be and need to be kept quiet.

Couldn't agree more. Interest in Kim Kardashian’s comings and goings is exactly like an interest in, say, the meeting minutes between oil executives and elected officials, or the reasons for firing federal prosecutors along ideological lines. EXACTLY THE SAME, especially when the government is just doing its darndest to Keep Us Safe.™ What is this, Iceland?

You see, freedom isn't entirely free. It also isn't squeaky clean. And sometimes the federal government deems it necessary to get its hands a little dirty in the hopes of achieving something we generally accept as good for the country.

Laws are made to be broken, amiright bro?  Freedom isn’t free, you can’t make a omelet without breaking eggs. Sometimes, you have to break the law to enforce the law, haven't you seen Beverly Hills Cop?

Much in the same way, Project Wide Receiver and Project Road Runner -- the earlier versions of Fast and Furious under President Bush -- were executed with the hope that they will do more good than harm. Hardly anyone in the public knows the finer points of these programs. Were they legal? Hell no. Were they effective? Who knows? Were they done as a way to keep America safe? Yes.

Exactly. Laws are for little people. If you want to, say, sell a bunch of illegal drugs in the next town over and use the proceeds of those drug sales to fund a takeover of the taco stand down the street just in case the local grocery store runs out of prized natural resources, well, the most important question should be whether or not you’re doing all of that to keep you and your family SAFE.

But to go much beyond the criticism of these men runs the risk of learning that this great nation of ours is heavily involved in doing some things that are not so great. Think about it: We have allowed weapons to cross the Mexican border and into the hands of criminals for years. Many of these weapons were involved in killing innocent Mexicans. There's nothing very admirable about that. But the truth is, it's very American.

Duh, what is more American than killing innocent Mexicans, especially if we admit that it’s not admirable to have killed the innocent Mexicans? Like the Founders said, our nation’s values are best manifested in the strength of our resolve to kill innocent people in service of ineffective and inhumane policies that prop up special interests at the expense of poor and minority communities. Couldn’t agree more.

And maybe it's better for us not to be so nosy, not to know everything because, to paraphrase the famous line from the movie "A Few Good Men," many of us won't be able to handle the truth.

And that, friends, is what it takes to be a regular CNN typist: a disinterest in investigative reporting, an unquestioning defense of authority, a disregard for the lives of people who aren't American, and if possible, a heady dose of clichés and movie quotes.


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Dame Peggington Noonington awakened in the New York Publick Librarie in a daze. She did not know what series of unfortunate events had led to this moment, but she vaguely remembered that last time this happened a passerby on 5th Avenue had transported her there, having found her on a stoop with eyes glazed over, muttering "Buk! Buk!" If we're being honest, she was choking on gin, but the well-meaning Good Samaritan took her for a woman craving classic literature, and Peggy was OK with allowing that illusion to stand.

As she stumbled toward the exit to summon her chauffeur -- Manuel, who was also her houseboy, who probably was responsible entirely for her current predicament, and would be subject to a talking-to about his derring-do as soon as Peggy's head stopped pounding -- she happened upon a display of new arrivals. "Buk! Buk!" she said. Swallowing hard, she grabbed a copy of Michelle Obama's book and went out onto the New York street without actually checking the book out.

Peggy arrived home safely, if a bit worse for the wear. She had been thinking about America's royal families a lot lately, especially the genteel women who serve as First Lady. She was particularly charmed by Melania Trump's show of wicked mischief last week, firing the deputy national security adviser without regret! Peggy remembered how fun it is to fire people and stuck a Post-it on her forehead to remind her to fire Manuel later, for leaving her destitute among the commoners at the librarie.

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Congratulations to the Dear Leader on his flawless victory in court against the media dogs at the CNN cesspool of evil. Donald Trump is a champion of the people's right to civil discourse, and he will not hesitate to slap those who hurt the dignity of the Supreme Leadership. Take it from Ri Chun-hee Sarah Huckabee Sanders:

Today the court made clear that there is no absolute First Amendment right to access the White House. In response to the court, we will temporarily reinstate the reporter's hard pass. We will also further develop rules and processes to ensure fair and orderly press conferences in the future. There must be decorum at the White House.

Leave aside for a moment the screaming irony of the Pussgrab Administration lecturing the press on decorum. Literally none of what the Huckster said here is true. Judge Timothy Kelly ordered the White House Press Office to reinstate Jim Acosta's hard pass immediately on Fifth Amendment grounds. He didn't reach the First Amendment issues of press access because he didn't have to.

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