Who among us hasn't tried to serenade a client with Garth Brooks lyrics and accidentally obstructed justice? Let he who hasn't dangled a pardon to stop our guy from testifying against the president cast the first stone!

We are still trying to figure out WTF was going on with Michael Cohen and the heretofore reputable lawyer who appears to have offered his services as a "back channel of communication" to the president. After Cohen exited the joint defense agreement that Trump's team spread like a blanket over anyone who might possibly do the president harm, Rudy Giuliani seems to have shoved Robert Costello toward Cohen in a desperate bid to keep him onside. Ultimately Cohen hired Southern District of New York (SDNY) veteran Guy Petrillo, who said NFW was he going to let his client pull a Manafort -- half in, half out -- on the Special Counsel. But before that happened, Cohen appears to have been actively seeking a pardon from his former boss in a tacit exchange for his silence.

Yes, we know that Cohen told Congress that he "never asked for, nor would I accept" a pardon from Trump. Newsflash, the guy is a liarfuckingliar, but he does tend to bring receipts. Speaking of which, someone gave CNN copies of two emails from Costello to Cohen, reassuring the president's former attack dog that everything would be fine as long as he kept Rudy Giuliani in the loop.

Here's the first one from April 20.

"I just spoke to Rudy Giuliani and told him I was on your team," Costello wrote in the first of two emails. "He asked me to tell you that he knows how tough this is on you and your family and he will make (sure) to tell the President. He said thank you for opening this back channel of communication and asked me to keep in touch.

Gosh, whoever could he be referring to? It's a MYSTERY!

And here's the email from April 21, after Giuliani had assured Trump that Cohen was still going to play ball.

"In a follow-up email, Costello told Cohen he had spoken to Giuliani and told Cohen that it was "very very positive."

"There was never a doubt and they are in our corner," Costello wrote. "Rudy said this communication channel must be maintained. He called it crucial and noted how reassured they were that they had someone like me whom Rudy has known for so many years in this role."

"Sleep well tonight, you have friends in high places," Costello ended the email.

Last week Rudy Giuliani said that he couldn't comment on Cohen's case because of attorney-client privilege. But he seems to have gotten over it now that Cohen turned his communications with Costello over to Manhattan prosecutors, telling The Daily Beast, "During one of those telephone conversations, he told me Michael asked him to ask me if there is a possibility he could get a pardon… and I said to him that is not on the table—something like that—the president is not going to consider any pardons or make any decisions on any pardons while the investigation is going on." Costello, who is taking a very liberal interpretation of that waiver to speak to SDNY, tells DB:

In an email to The Daily Beast, Costello said that he was not hinting at a Trump pardon when he talked about sleeping well at night. Instead, he was referencing a song by music star Garth Brooks in an attempt to comfort a "suicidal" Cohen. And, he added, there were documents that could confirm as much.

"To repeat myself, Michael Cohen and his counsel's interpretation of events is utter nonsense," Costello said. "This statement: 'Sleep Well tonight, you have friends in high places' was a tongue-in-cheek reference to a Garth Brooks song, to a client whose state of mind was highly disturbed and had suggested to us that he was suicidal. We were simply trying to be decent human beings. There is no hidden message."

That's ... not how the song goes. But that's not how privilege goes either, so whatever. Clearly Costello thinks he had an attorney-client relationship with Cohen at some point, since he sent the guy a bill for $43,000. And the fact that Cohen never paid it is irrelevant.

Over at the House Judiciary Committee, Chairman Jerry Nadler is not amused, telling CNN:

I take it as the President or people on his behalf may have been dangling the possibility of a pardon in front of Mr. Cohen to say to him, don't tell the truth, don't implicate the President. Play the game right and you have friends in high places, and you'll be OK, we'll give you a pardon.

Yes, we at Wonkette came to a similar conclusion. Good thing we've got Uncle Jerry and his magic subpoena pen to investigate for us. Okay Garth, play us on out. What was that album called again? OH, RIGHT: No Fences. Because irony is dead.

Friends in low places lyrics Garth Brooks

[CNN / DB / WSJ / CNN, again]

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Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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Hooray, it's time for yet another dispatch from Fox News's big fun week of failure. (No, we mean even more failure than usual.) While all of Twitter is being annoying and talking incessantly about nothing but Bran and Daenerys and Carl and Peg or whoever they are, we have been (ignoring it and) focusing on all Fox's sadness, starting with Pete Buttigieg's town hall, where he called Fox News a piece of shit to its face. Then we laughed and laughed at Fox News idiot Pete Hegseth, who is sending lots of begging to today's college graduates, that they might immediately get dropped on their heads and forget all their education, so they might grow up to be the Fox News viewers of the future.

Oh, and we haven't even had a chance to LOL at the epic hilarity of Steve Doocy trying to do man-on-the-street interviews in Midtown Manhattan, shoving the mic into the faces of New Yorkers who literally don't care if he goes and plays in traffic. That was fun!

But the point of this post is that we have finally learned what makes at least some Fox News viewers tick, and it is that Tucker Carlson "laughs like a girl." That is not us saying that, that is a Fox News fan lady telling the Washington Post's Erik Wemple why she loves Tucker Carlson so much.

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Old White Guys Try To Explain Abortion

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's your Sunday show rundown!


Michael is out, so I'm taking over your Sunday Show Rundown. This week everyone was talking about those awful abortion laws worming their way through state legislatures. As usual, most of the men were tripping on their dicks while trying to talk about vag. Luckily, there's enough women around to ladysplain things.

Bernie Sanders went on Meet the Press for the first time in FOREVER and played his greatest hits for all the kids. Sanders criticized Joe Biden's environmental policy (which is literally just "beat Trump"), stating that it wasn't "good enough." Sanders is right! (NO FIGHTING.)

SANDERS: Beating Trump is not good enough. You have to beat the fossil fuel industry, you have to take on all the forces of the status quo who do not want to move this country to energy efficiency and sustainable energy.

But then Chuck Todd asked Bernie a loaded question about women getting "sex-selective" abortions and the whole interview went off the rails. Bernie struggled to answer the dumbass question and came across looking stupid despite having spent the better part of the last week in Alabama railing against abortion bans.

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