Elphay Emay Aypay For The Playboy Playmate Fucking, Say Idiots In Unbreakable Code

Three minutes of your life you'll never get back.

TIME FOR YOUR DAILY MICHAEL COHEN UPDATE! Wait, where are you going?

Cohen's lawyer Lanny Davis gave CNN that tape of him and Trump talking about paying AMI, the parent company of the National Enquirer , for the rights to the story of Karen McDougal, the Playboy lady who Made Heterosexual with Donald Trump for some terrible reason. She was in love with him, for some terrible reason! Thoughts 'n' prayers to Karen McDougal, for some terrible reason!

The tape is ... it's a tape! Is it "exculpatory," just like Rudy Giuliani says? Unclear! Is this tape the hottest, most salacious thing you will hear all day? HARD FUCKING PASS. It is the stupidest presidential candidate in American history talking to the stupidest lawyer from the stupidest law school in America, a guy who used to call his client "MIS-TURRRR TWUMP" and bragged about how he was willing to get shot in the middle of 5th Avenue to protect his boss.

Here's the tape, but don't watch the rest of the MSNBC clip because it's just Brian Williams being a dumbass:

In the clip, you hear Michael Cohen congratulating MIS-TURRR TWUMP on just a FUKEN GREAT POLL, BOSS, and a bunch of other shit, all of which is boring. Once they get to the discussion of the pay-offs, Cohen says he needs to "open up a company for the transfer of all of that info regarding our friend, David." Trump says, "Yeah," because he clearly knows exactly what Cohen is talking about. ("David" is David Pecker, Trump's friend who runs AMI. The "info" is obviously Karen McDougal's story.)

Cohen says he's talked to Allan Weisselberg, the CFO of the Trump Organization, about how to set up that LLC. We know Cohen did indeed   set up Essential Consultants LLC to launder all Trump's porn pay-off moneys, and then continued using the same slush fund to launder money for access to Trump once he was president, including with some Russians. IDIOT!

Toward the end of the recording, we hear Trump saying something about paying with cash or a check, but it's hard to tell whether he's confirming an existing plan or making a suggestion. Usually, with business-type things, "cash" and a "check" are the same thing, because when you talk about "cash" in a business situation, the opposite of that isn't "check," but rather "finance the payments." That's what Trump Organization lawyer Alan Futerfas says this is. But it's possible Trump was talking about an untraceable under-the-table payment, which could be why Cohen says "no, no, no" after Trump says the words, "pay with cash." That's what Lanny Davis says it is. And the tape of the transcript provided by Trump's lawyers says Trump said, "DON'T pay with cash."

What's the truth? Dunno. What is the real value of this tape without looking at all the evidence? FUCKING NOTHING OH MY GOD.

Rudy Giuliani says this tape proves his client's ultimate innocence and status as one of God's chosen angels on earth. Firstly, Trump never even made that payment, and secondly, he says the tape proves (it does not) that Trump didn't even know about the porn lady pay-off scheme:

"It doesn't," he said in an interview with The Washington Post. "That's open to interpretation, and we can have a fight about that."

"To me it sounds like Cohen is explaining something to [Trump] that he doesn't understand," Giuliani said, adding: "He doesn't seem that familiar with anything. There is nothing to indicate he knew anything in advance."

Hahahahaha shut the fuck up, Giuliani. While we find it completely plausible that Trump is so fucking stupid he didn't even understand what his thug lawyer was talking about, the tape suggests otherwise. Indeed, it sounds like they're halfway talking in code about things both of them are intimately familiar with.

Of course, payment or no payment, we know that Donald Trump very much did pay off ladies during the campaign, that David Pecker bought Karen McDougal's story to "catch and kill it" for Trump, and oh yeah, there's also that very weird thing about RNC money man Elliott Broidy, who entered a very strange agreement with all the very same lawyers to pay another Playboy lady off, to the tune of $1.6 million, a woman he supposedly had an affair with, though it sure sounds like that might be a cover-up for yet another Trump affair. And if that one was in fact a Trump affair, it was also a TRUMP ABORTION. Allegedly!

When the full truth finally comes out in the wash, on top of campaign finance violations, we could be looking at bank fraud, money laundering, and a whole host of other shit. We are sure we'll find out all the juicy details when this goes to trial, unless Michael Cohen wants to make a deal with the feds to nail Trump, which would also be fine.

Alan Dershowitz says this is all totally normal, so the opposite of that is true:

Dershowitz: They knew a lot of people were going to come forward at the end of the campaign demanding money. So it… https://t.co/3JzWqRLtPp

— Josh Marshall (@Josh Marshall) 1532488996.0 

YOU BETCHA! Hillary Clinton probably had her lawyer set up a corporation to pay for all the #PizzaGates too! Right, Dersh?

President Loud Stupid has responded on Twitter:

What kind of a lawyer would tape a client? So sad! Is this a first, never heard of it before? Why was the tape so a… https: //t.co/ypyRQGeh2N

— Donald J. Trump (@Donald J. Trump) 1532522098.0 

Dunno, dipshit, why did you hire that guy?

Shall we stick a Michael Avenatti tweet in here for shits 'n' giggles? Sure why not:

If Mr. Cohen really wants to do the right thing, he must IMMEDIATELY: 1) release ALL OF THE TAPES; 2) release the r… https://t.co/A2OZvEg0qK

— Michael Avenatti (@Michael Avenatti) 1532524640.0 

Well, this has been fun, we sure are glad we're alive right now to write about the Trump presidency, uh huh, you bet, kill us now.

 Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT NOW, DO IT RIGHT NOW!  

 Help Wonkette LIVE FOREVER! Seriously, if you can, please help, by making a donation of MONEY.