Colorado Sen. Bennet Now President Of Punching Ted Cruz In The Face Daily
If you aren't already familiar with Senator Michael Bennet, you should expect to hear more about him now that he's wanted for the daylight murder of Senator Ted Cruz. Lindsey Graham famously suggested that if you killed Cruz on the Senate floor, no one would convict you. The senator from Colorado put that to the test Thursday when he roasted his Texas colleague like a spatchcocked turkey.
There's always a good reason to insult Cruz, but Bennet was specifically incensed over Senator Scruffy Beard pretending to care about the first responders who aren't getting paid during Donald Trump's government shutdown. The very same shutdown the GOP-controlled Senate could end if Mitch McConnell wasn't the worst person alive. Bennet, barely able to control his anger, took the floor to scream on Cruz's ass like he was his daddy.
BENNET: I seldom rise on this floor to contradict somebody on the other side. I have worked very hard over the years to work in a bipartisan way with the presiding officer, with my Republican colleagues, but these crocodile tears that the senator from Texas is crying for first responders are too hard for me to take.
As Bennet goes off on Cruz, Alabama Senator Doug Jones is sitting near him totally wide-eyed, like he'd seen the church preacher get drunk at homecoming. He seriously looked worried that Bennet was going to murder Cruz and he'd have to help dig the hole.
Bennet reminds everyone that Cruz once shut down the government himself "for politics," and it wasn't just some wacky Frank Burns stunt. Real human beings -- not Munsters -- were injured. Colorado in particular had been hit by massive floods in 2013 when Cruz tried to make his bones with the Fox News viewership.
BENNET: It was underwater. People were killed. People's houses were destroyed. Their small businesses were ruined forever. And because of the senator from Texas, this government was shut down for politics. Then he surfed to a second-place finish in the Iowa caucuses.
Cruz actually won the 2016 Iowa caucuses. Trump still kicked his ass thoroughly in the primaries. We like to think that Bennet knew this and was just throwing extra shade. Cruz can't very well correct him when he's talking about a natural disaster other than Carly Fiorina.
The media has noted that Bennet is an otherwise "low-key" politician. It's a testament to how much a bag of wet crap Cruz is that he can motivate this reaction from the mild-mannered senator. Bennet truly "Hulked-out" on him. Here's some live footage:
BENNET: It's his business not my business why [Cruz] supports a president who wants to erect a medieval barrier on the border of Texas, who wants to use eminent domain to build that wall, who wants to declare an unconstitutional emergency to build that wall.
Bennet paused just long enough to wipe Cruz off his shoe before he started to whale on the rightwing Freedom Caucus. He derided the group as a "minority of tyrants" who had "distorted the Republican party" (eh, we think they've always been shit) and prevented any actual governance from occurring on the Capitol grounds.
Cruz got all into his feelings before calling his mommy to come pick him up early from the party where everyone hates him.
FERRET FACE: The senator from Colorado spent a great deal of time yelling, spent a great deal of time attacking me personally... . I don't believe I have ever bellowed or yelled at a colleague on the Senate floor and I hope I never do that."
Bennet responded to this appeal for civility by pointing out that Cruz once called McConnell a "liar" on the Senate floor (fact check: true). He then snapped his fingers in z-formation and sashayed out of the room. There's talk that Bennet is considering a presidential run. The speculation is fueled mostly by a change to his Twitter handle. We fully support beating up on Cruz as a precursor to launching a campaign. Maybe someone can hand a pair of boxing gloves to Senators Warren, Gillibrand, and Harris and let them all have a go.
The full video of Bennet's beatdown is below. You should watch this at least twice -- preferably with the morning cocktail of your choice.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He recently fled Seattle, where he did theatre work for Book-It Rep and Cafe Nordo.