Colorado Town Shocked To Discover Teens Do Sexytime, Even In Colorado

Turns out kids these days, like kids in those days and the days before that too, do sex things, to themselves and to each other. Even in small, wholesome towns where teenagers are still cursed with hormones and interests and curiosities, and wet panties and hard-ons.

That teenagers have varying degrees of interest in S-E-X is breaking news to the pitifully naive residents of Cañon City, Colorado, who are shocked -- shocked, they tell you! -- to discover 100 or more high school students have been taking and trading sexy-like pictures of themselves, with their iTechnology, in what hysterical grown-ass adults are calling a "sexting ring" that may result in quite serious charges of child pornography:

The revelation has left parents outraged, administrators searching for missed clues, and the police and the district attorney’s office debating whether to file child pornography charges — including felony charges — against some of the participants. [...]

Because it is a felony to possess or distribute child pornography, the charges could be serious. But because most of the people at fault are themselves minors and, in some cases, took pictures of themselves and sent them to others, law enforcement officials are at a loss as to how to proceed.

Apparently, the residents of Cañon City (population 16,000 or so) are absolutely stumped about how it is possible that their teenagers are doing what teenagers all over America and the world are doing and, it feels necessary to note at least once more, have always done, since the beginning of time, though with less sophisticated technology.

Cañon City High School principal Bret Meuli conveyed the jaw-dropping "awwww how quaint" ignorance of his town, saying, "I hope no other school has it at the level we have it at" -- because, he would like to believe, Cañon City's youth are unique in their prurient interests and hobbies -- but, he added, "I fear we aren’t the only ones."

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We guaran-fucking-tee you, Principal Bret, you aren't the only ones. Earlier this year, the Colorado Family Planning Initiative received an award for reducing the state's teen birth rates by 40 percent, through its program of providing reduced-cost or free IUDs to low-income teens in the state. (Naturally, Republicans oppose funding the program, which is also saving taxpayers a whole lot of money, because they are Republicans.)

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Such numbers suggest that teens throughout the state have a keen interest in fucking, and it is only thanks to an effective program of accessible and affordable birth control that more of them aren't turning out like Bristol Palin, if you know what we mean.

However, parents and administrators of Cañon City are still shocked that their teens are doing Sex Stuff, with technology, on the down low:

The photo-sharing, some of which took place in school, was done largely on cellphone applications called “vault apps” that look innocent enough — some look like calculators — but are really secret troves of photographs accessible after entering a password.

Cañon City school superintendent George Welsh, perplexed by how a significant percentage of the student body (boys and girls) managed to do Sex Stuff without all the adults knowing, seems to have pinned responsibility for the "scandal" on the high school's football team. Thus, reports the Times, "The team was forced to forfeit its final game of the season," resulting in what might be the first-ever instance of Yr Wonkette reluctantly considering the possibility that the punishment of the school sportsball team might be a tad excessive.

That prosecutors are even considering felony charges of child pornography against underage teenagers, for taking nudie pics of themselves and sharing them, is what we would definitely call ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING US?!?! excessive.

Meanwhile, parents are outraged that the school has not figured out how to stop teenagers from doing Sex Stuff. One parent who complained in 2012, after discovering nakedness on her daughter's cell phone, figured out a brilliant way to crack down on that, by moving and withdrawing her daughter from school altogether:

“[The school counselor] told me there was nothing the school could do because half the school was sexting,” [Heidi] Wolfgang said. She called the response “heartbreaking,” and said she eventually decided to educate her child at home.

Further insulating her child from the world to protect her from the scary Sex Stuff seems like a perfectly reasonable response, since it is a commonly known fact that kids only develop an interest in sex while learning about geography with their classmates, so if you homeschool your children, they'll never develop an interest in sex at all, except for maybe with their own siblings.

The town is still reeling from its "sexting scandal" and trying to figure out where they all went wrong. Perhaps examining why the adults are SO SHOCKED teens are interested in sex -- followed up with some comprehensive real-talk sex ed -- would be a good place to start.



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