Coming To A Trump COVID Rally Near You, Maybe: GEORGE WASHINGTON SEXXX STATUES!

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Stop what you're doing right now, the Trump campaign has come up with the stupidest idea it's come up with since yesterday.

Yes, they are that braindead.


If you click on the article, you see that yes, according to "sources," the Trump campaign is thinking that doubling down on this Confederate statue porn obsession is their ticket to a win, and somehow that involves ... bringing statues into COVID super-spreader auditoriums! AND THE STATUES AREN'T GONNA WEAR SOME KINDA LOSER MASK, DAMMIT.

The idea has been discussed by White House and Trump campaign aides, but no final decision has been made, sources familiar with the planning told ABC News. It's also not clear who exactly the statues would resemble, but sources say one idea was for "America's Founding Fathers."

We have so many questions. And also some helpful suggestions. How large will these statues be? And will they be made out of bronze, or just some cheap-ass Styrofoam? Ooh! Maybe they could be like those guys who spray-paint themselves gray and stand real still until an old lady walks by, then they move and scare the shit out of them! SHAVE YOUR NECK BEARD, PARSCALE, YOU'RE NEEDED IN HAIR AND MAKE-UP!

Does Mike Pence have to carry the statues? Does he even lift? How will you get them up and down the treacherous ice ramps leading to the stage? Because as Trump has explained, those fuckers are FIERCE.

Have they considered some elegant marble columns for the statues to stand against? Trump likes elegant columns. What about a golden calf? Maybe they could bring a HORSE with a DOOR IN THE BOTTOM, but instead of invading enemy troops — or, like, just Russian military intelligence, fresh off Western-Union-ing some bounties to the Taliban — all kindsa coronavirus cooties can pop out! And Big Macs!

But maybe it would be better — ooh! IDEA! Because you know how nobody wants to come to Trump's Republican National COVID-ntion, like even GOP senators, and Jacksonville is requiring stinky masks, and all the Deep State scientists won't shut their Fauci-holes about "social distancing"? What if the statues — hear us out! — SAT BETWEEN PEOPLE?

You know, like these sex dolls who went to a soccer game in South Korea!

They could put a George Washington Sex Statue in every other seat! Or maybe in all the empty seats!

But wait, do George Washington Sex Statues even exist? Seems like kind of a niche kink. Hey, the White House coronavirus task force isn't doing anything, maybe they can get Dr. Birx to invent patriotic heritage-preserving George Washington Sex Statues!

Hey, whose hand is that in your lap? Is it some random MAGA Nazi named Carl, feeling you up at the Trump rally? No! It is the glorious bronzed sex hand of George Washington, and it is tugging on your cherry tree, by which we mean dick!

Finished with this post now.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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