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Honorable Mention illustration by Chris Fisher


You guys! We completely forgot to do a Comment of the Week last Friday! So this week, we proudly present the Comment of Two Weeks, and a whole bunch of runny-ups and hornable mentions, because damn, we have some creative people reading this here mommyblog/recipe hub/dating service (you people know who you are. Get a room).

First off, our Grand Prize Wiener, from the story of Donald Trump's dumb Cinco de Mayo taco salad, posted by alert Wonkette Operative "Tendernob":

The worst part about Mexicans is when you wish them a happy birthday for their country and they say insensitive things like, "I'm not Mexican, I'm from India."

Congratulations! To collect your prize, a random bit of Wonkette Merch chosen by yr Editrix, please send an email to Rebecca at-sign wonkette dot-or-period com! Also, no prize but an admiring honorable mention to this hilariously affirming follow-up comment from alert Wonkette Operative "shaar dula":

As an Indian*, I relate to this entirely. thing is, it is a double sided thing too. Hispanics will start talking to me in Spanish. Most of the time for me it is about directions. Its actually hilarious. I try to decipher the place they want to go, and they figure out the way through my desi accent. I'm pretty sure atleast a couple of them have ended up in Timbuktu.

*insha ganesha, we will be a Hyphenated Americans this year!!

Congratulations on the citizenship, and are you sure you want to subject yourself to that in the Year of Trump? Or maybe you can brag that your first vote as a citizen was against him -- there's a story to tell!

First Runner-Up (bragging rights only) goes to alert Wonkette Operative "WeaselPoo" for this dramatization of Ammon Bundy's Legal Theories:

Bundy: you have no authority over me because reasons.

Feds: Golly, you are right! What were we thinking? Thanks for pointing that out. We have been living a lie all this time!

Bundy: I win! Let me out of this jail

Feds: What jail?

Bundy: This jail.

Feds: we can't own any jails, and we have no authority to open or administer anything, you just proved that ---very well done by the way, impressive stuff.

Bundy: Wait, what?

Feds: And as you the space you occupy is sovereign... doing anything with or to you, like getting you to move from one place to another, or helping you to do so, is now out of our jurisdiction and authority, sooo.... enjoy you sovereign status, you earned it. See ya!

Bravo! Send that spec script in to Law And Order: Bunkerville.

Second Runner-Up (slightly less loud bragging rights) to longtime alert Wonkette Operative "Callyson" for her comment on the Most Salon article Salon Ever Saloned:

And it looks like it is time to paraphrase what Gandhi is supposed to have said about Christ:

I like your Bernie. I do not like your Bernie Bros. So unlike your Bernie, those Bernie Bros...

And unlike Gandhi, we know you actually really said it! (For fuck's sake.)

Finally, a whole slew of Honorable Mentions, including our image today, by alert Wonkette Operative "Chris Fisher," on our story about Donald Trump's working title for his movement. No, don't look for a quote, it's the picture, up top. Jeeze, you people. (correction: a stray c originally snuck into Chris's last name. Wonkette regrets the error. No, you get a correction and an apology, not a totebag.)

Also too, there's this riff on Alex Jones from alert Wonkette Operative "AntiDerpomeme":

“hot blondes crossing and uncrossing their legs, sexually titillating the teleprompter”

Finally somebody understands the struggle. Just this morning, my coffee maker totally objectified me. I still feel dirty.

Also, also, too, from our story on Paul LePage vetoing a bill to help save addicts from dying of overdoses, this sea shanty from alert Wonkette Operative "calliecallie":

Farewell and ado to ye fair addict Mainers

Farewell and ado to ye addicts of Maine

For Govn'r LePuke is a foul human shit stain

But we hope in a short time he'll be out on his taint.

There were a surprising number of other musical near-wins, and like the British Navy before the War of 1812, you guys really impress us.

Finally, this extra-special super-duper submission by alert Wonkette Operative "Blueb4sunrise," who celebrated the end of the Republican primaries with an original VIDEO submission, hand-memed to mark the occasion.

We don't actually have a Wonkette Film Festival, but if we did, that "Downfall" parody would surely win the Palme d'Ordure. Send an email to Rebecca to collect your special prize for meritorious snark.

Congratulations to all our winners, and to the rest of you, you're also heroes, even though we prefer people who win.

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.


Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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