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Computer Fiends Kidnap Romney's 1040 Forms, Demand Fake Nerd Money For Ransom

News

Mitt Romney's tax returns:Where are they??? If you have been following the presidential campaign to this point, in which Barack Obama's birth certificate and Mitt Romney's tax returns have battled it out for the title of Most Important Boring Government Document In History, you've probably assumed that Romney long ago encased these dangerous pieces of paper in lead and then buried them hundreds of feet below is New Hampshire mansion-fortress. But this "savvy businessman" decided to outsource his 1040-storage to the more efficient private sector: if PriceWaterhouseCoopers can keep Oscar votes secret, surely they can keep prying eyes away from Mitt's financial information, right? EXCEPT some cyber-ruffians apparently just walked into a PWC office and stone cold downloaded the forms, whoops! Now they want ... one million dollars, or they'll release them. And they want a million dollars in a currency that doesn't even exist!


So some dastardly fiends put a very interesting post on a secret anonymous fire-sharing site! (The Nashville City Paper has the scoop and we will link to them because we are afraid going to the original site will give our computer cyber-herpes.) Basically they said they snuck into PWC's Franklin, Tennessee, office and downloaded all of Mitt's tax forms, then sent encrypted versions of the forms to a bunch of media outlets and Democratic party headquarters, and if nobody pays them $1 million by September 28, they'll send the keys to decrypt all the delicious forms. Conversely, if someone who wants the forms released ponies up $1M first, they'll release them as soon as they get the money. Bidding war! "The years before 2010 will be of great interest to many," say the hacker-sneaks.

The best part of this caper is that the 1040nappers are demanding their ransom in Bitcoins, which, if you don't know what that is (and you probably don't), is a techno-utopian project that aims to create a non-fiat, non-government-backed, anonymous online means of exchanging cash, and, if that description makes you think that Ron Paul acolytes might be interested in, you would be totally right! You can learn more at the Bitcoin Wikipedia article, which is hilariously detailed, obviously.

Anyway, no major media outlets have reported receiving mysterious encrypted hard drives, nor are there any signs of nuclear-level freakouts over at Romney campaign HQ, so probably this anonymous claim posted on a weird web site for file sharers is totally fake! But just in case, you should PayPal us tons of money so we can buy the 1040s and post them on Wonkette as a WORLD EXCLUSIVE. (Haha, just kidding, Wonkette would not pay dirty ransom money, we would just use your cash to buy booze.) [Nashville City Paper]

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Poor People Are Mad As Hell, And They're Not Going to Take It Anymore.

The Poor People's Campaign marched on Washington, and we were there!

Culture Wars
by Dominic Gwinn

Yesterday the new Poor People's Campaign, led by Rev. William Barber and Rev. Dr. Liz Theoharis, concluded 40 days of protest and civil disobedience with a rally on the National Mall. Building off of Rev. Martin Luther King Jr's original Poor People's Campaign 50 years ago, the new campaign is aimed at uniting labor leaders with activists to build a coalition of all marginalized people

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The police have clearly failed to stop the scourge of black kids selling water to thirsty people, so your average law-abiding, permit-respecting white lady has no choice but to take matters into her own (did we mention they were white?) hands. You might call her a busybody gone power mad or a simple tool of racist micoaggression, but we just call her "Permit Patty."

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