Condi Encounters Half-Naked Tribal Leaders in Africa
Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America's Favorite Princess Diplomat™!
Condi got to go back to the rumored land of her ancestors. No, not Russia, Africa! Her last trip there was a royal dud, but this time she brought along friends: the boss, his wife, Josh Bolten, etc., and she got to see the boss dance! She got a pretty sash! She got molested by scary natives! And then she got back and nobody cared. Relive the magic, after the jump...
Did you miss me last Monday? Was it difficult to go forward in the week without fresh Condiproduct? Well, it turns out that I wouldn't have had much to write about anyway, and only one good photo. So before we get going with the past seven days, let's go back to February 14, the day Bono made Condi cry at Tom Lantos' funeral (all large photos Associated Press):
Why do they keep inviting him places? He only upsets people.
Anyway! Africa! Bush, Laura, Bolten and Condi, from the 15th through the 21st, visited Benin, Tanzania, Rwanda, Ghana and Liberia, with Condi making a solo outing to Kenya. Oh, sure, cynics may point out that six countries in six days -- six countries which aren't even very close together -- gives new meaninglessness to the term shuttle diplomacy, but those people are mean and just don't recognize how very, very good these people are at doing their jobs! And by "doing their jobs," in Africa that mostly means promising everybody wheelbarrows full of money if they'll simply behave. How long can that take?
Condi hit the ground running in Tanzania on Sunday. Now here's what makes Condi great: Other foreign ministers might think that wearing obscenely expensive sunglasses (with the largest Chanel logos ever to grace eyewear) to an impoverished country would be tacky, but not Condi:
Now to their credit, George and Laura "Crazy Eyes" Bush were nice in Tanzania and visited the memorial for the victims of the bombing of the U.S. Embassy in Dar es Salaam with Condi. Our Heroine didn't really do anything wrong at this ceremony, but she kinda dropped the ball as traveling girlfriend to the first lady. After all, friends don't let friends wear pastel green pantsuits to a memorial service:
Now was the time for Dr. Ferragamo to skip away for a brief little meeting in Kenya. What a thrill for the locals! Can you imagine how exciting it must have been for area journalists, for instance? Thank goodness you don't have to:
"We all agreed that with Kosovo having just declared independence from Serbia, and Pakistan in the throes of its own electoral drama, America's top diplomat would have to say something truly outrageous for this Nairobi afternoon to make news outside Kenya," griped one less-than-impressed reporter. "Shortly before the appointed hour, a press officer went around informing everyone that we would be allowed to ask only two questions at the end of Condi's briefing. Two in total, that is, not each. A collective groan went up among the 50 or so journalists assembled, each of whose notebooks harbored several questions of mass destruction." Oh well! Better luck next time, suckers!
Next, Condi rejoined her fellow travelers in the magical kingdom of Ghana, and from this point on, the whole trip to Africa was basically a big party. And I'll say it again: What a contrast to her miserable last trip! Wednesday it was all about playing Tee Ball and, um, OMG, this:
Va va va VOOM, Condi! So much more exciting than worrying about Kosovo and Pakistan! It's hard for me to decide which is more shocking in the above photo: the tribal guy groping 'n' cuddling Dr. Secretary, or the tangerine jacket she's sporting. Note to Condi: DON"T take fashion advice from Laura! As an aside, if I may drift away from my usual Condicentric viewpoint for a second, she wasn't the only one who had fun with the half-naked locals:
Whoah, where's Laura? Anyway, this brings us up to Thursday and a hop, skip and a jump to Liberia, which I'm told was founded thousands of years ago by Abraham Lincoln's children or something, but is now ruled by a glamorously caftaned girl president. "You look skeptical, but I was there? I can certify," announced Condi. No, no, not skeptical about having a girl president, but skeptical about... Bush's dancing prowess! And if there was any other reason for them to be in Liberia, I can't find it, as the President's sashaying pretty much obliterated all other coverage of the visit. But! They all got totally pretty sashes:
Why is Condi's sash a different color? I JUST DON'T KNOW! Maybe she was being picky and insisted on one which matched her outfit? She looks so comfortable!
And that was Madame Secretary's trip to the dark continent! And to show just how interesting and important their voyage was, Condi had a press conference when she returned and -- would you believe -- none of the snooty journalists asked a single question about it! Well, other than about the dancing president, anyway. Oh, no, it was all about the Kosovo and the Pakistan and such.
Thank goodness, though, somebody had the presence of mind to ask the burning, itchy question of the day: will Condi form an unholy alliance with WALNUTS! McCain? I truly hate to break this to you: "I have always said that the one thing that I have not seen myself doing is running for elected office," Rice said at a news conference. "I didn't even run for high school president. It's sort of not in my genes."
NOOOOOOOO! I wanted Vice President Condi! And then McCain dies of old age or torture or something and then it's PRESIDENT CONDI! *sob* Sometimes life isn't fair.
Oh, well. Onward to new photo-ops! This week, Condi's on tour in the far east, so things are looking good for next Monday's Condi Roundup. See you then!
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