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OH HEY, all you late-night political watchers, are you so 'scited about the results from today's US American primaries? We are too! Now, we know the Associated Press done already SPOILER ALERTED us, by calling the race Monday night when Hillary reached the magic number of delegates required to seal the deal at July's convention. We thought we were going to have to wait for New Jersey's polls to close for that!

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/602657/ap-associated-press-calls-democratic-primary-hillary-clinton"></a>[/wonkbar]But oh well, guess we'll just sit here and watch her win more things, HARRUMPH. So basically how this is going to roll is that New Jersey is going to close at 8 p.m. local time, and then we have to wait A MILLION YEARS, or like a few hours, before we start seeing results in California, where polls close at "8 p.m. local time," just like New Jersey, except for "local time" there is like 11 p.m. for the East Coasters! And polls there are close as a motherfucker, so ... we might know something around 11, and we might not. GRRRRR.

So will the last enormous contest of the never-ending (but actually ending soon!) 2016 primaries be a nail-biter? Will Bernie eke out a win? Will Hillary issue a great big ass-whuppin'? WE DO NOT KNOW.

As far as other primaries, here's the business:

Montana: Polls close at 8 p.m. "local time," which is in the "Mountain Time Zone," which may or may not be real. Editrix Rebecca claimed earlier she was off to go vote with her vagina, so maybe Montana is a real place and she hasn't been foolin' us all this time?

New Mexico: Polls close at 7 p.m. "local time," which is also in the "Mountain Time Zone." That's like 9 p.m. on the East Coast, so you'll be good and drunk when that happens.

South Dakota: Polls ALSO close at 7 p.m. local time, but the state straddles both the Central and the "Mountain" time zones. So we'll get those results when we get them, how's about?

North DakotaOh yeah, there is a fundamentally undemocratic "caucus" happening there, just for the Democrats. It STARTS at 7 p.m. local time, and shares the same time zone-straddling business, so we promise to stay up until tomorrow morning waiting for that state to finish its business, haha just kidding.

So! that's the stuff you need to know. We will update this thread with results when we know them, and if something REALLY BIG HAPPENS, we will write a post at you about it. Sound good?

Now, you may commence to chit-chatting in the comments, which, as ever, are not allowed.

Update 9:00 EDT Oh yeah, the AP called New Jersey for Trump. You may continue drinking.

He's like Tim Pawlenty without the charisma

Update 9:10 EDT The AP has called New Jersey for Hillary Clinton.

For those of you with strong stomachs, Donald Trump is speaking now, from a teleprompter, possibly with someone standing behind him with their finger on the controls of a shock collar.

Update 10:00 EDT Livebloog for Hillary Clinton is up. We're with her HERE...once she comes onstage, at least.

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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