Congratulations, Chris Cillizza And Mitch McConnell! You've Both Won A One-Way Trip To Go-F*ck-Yourself-Ville!

Mitch McConnell and Chris Cillizza have thoughts about Elizabeth Warren's statements in the wake of Donald Trump's targeted killing of Iranian Maj. Gen. Qasem Soleimani. They are very bad and stupid thoughts.

Let's have a contest to see who can go fuck themselves the fastest!

Mitch McConnell Flares His Turtle Butthole At Elizabeth Warren

Can we please have some civility and all-American unquestioning devotion to Dear Leader Trump in the wake of his disastrously stupid decision to assassinate Soleimani, who was both A) a bad guy, and B) the second most powerful person in the Iranian government? Couldn't we summon up enough patriotism and love of country to let Donald Trump get Americans killed for stupid reasons as a result of Trump's dumbass decision?

That is what Mitch McConnell would like to know.

McConnell got up on the Senate floor yesterday to bitch, like he does, whining that Democrats have "rushed to split hairs about intelligence before being briefed on it, and rushed to downplay Soleimani's evil while presenting our own president as the villain." (Nobody's seen the intelligence, Mike Pompeo can't seem to elaborate on it because he's obviously making this up as he goes along, and in all circumstances, Donald Trump is at least one of the villains.)

Then McConnell really got into his whine about Elizabeth Warren:

MCCONNELL: Soon after the news broke, one of our distinguished colleagues made a public statement that rightly called Soleimani a murderer, and then amazingly walked that message back when the far left objected to the factual statement. Since then I believe all her criticism has been directed at our own president. [...]

Look, the Senate is supposed to be the chamber where overheated partisan passions give way to sober judgment. Can we not at least wait until we know the facts? Can we not maintain a shred -- just a shred -- of national unity for five minutes before deepening the partisan trenches? Must Democrats' distaste for this president dominate every thought they express, and every decision they make? [...]

Could we at least remember we're all Americans first, and we're all in this together?

We feel like we're going to be saying this a lot more than usual in the coming months, but go fuck yourself, Moscow Mitch.

A couple of points:

1. Donald Trump is a pathological liar. His administration is a pathological liar, and cannot be trusted to tell the press or anyone else what is really going on, and that's when Stephanie Grisham even manages to show up for work. So, unfortunately, we are in a situation where we cannot trust the "facts" that come from the Trump White House.

2. Fuck your "national unity," Moscow Mitch. Because what he really means by "national unity" is blindly following Donald Trump whenever he gets a little stiffy in his miniature weenus bone and decides to give a kill shot order on the second most powerful guy in a nation we are not at war with and we don't want to be at war with. Fuck you. We are not "all in this together." We are actively trying to get the current greatest threat to American national security, Donald J. Trump, out of office in November, if he doesn't have to resign in disgrace before then. "In this together." Go fuck yourself.

3. Elizabeth Warren can say what she wants, asshole. She can call Soleimani a murderer, she can call Trump a piece of shit, whatever. It's all fine.

That is what we have to say about that.

Chris Cillizza Also Too Flares His Turtle Butthole At Elizabeth Warren

Chris Cillizza is sore displeased with Warren's statements on the Soleimani killing, but in a different way.

Uh oh, Flipper-Flopper Warren, why don't you just go get an HGTV show or something! Except, you know, not really.

We will of course concede, because we can read, that Warren's statements have evolved the past few days.

She started out with a tweet that called Soleimani a really bad dude:

A day later, Warren said Trump had "assassinated" Soleimani, and replaced "murderer" with "senior foreign military official."

And then on the Jake Tapper show, Warren said "high-ranking military official," and suggested the thing that made McConnell so mad, which is that maybe Trump was doing this to distract from impeachment HOW DARE SHE YET SHE PERSISTED HOW DARE SHE.

This collection of statements bothereth Chris Cillizza:

Which, wow.

Which, wow.

We went from "murderer" to "wag the dog" in the space of a few days.

Which is mind-bending. And confusing ...

Now you've done it, Senator Warren, you've mind-bended poor Chris Cillizza.

He dun unbent his brain though:

... until you realize the "why" behind Warren's rapid change of heart on Soleimani. Which is this: the liberal left didn't like her initial statement and she needs those voters to have a chance at winning the Democratic presidential nomination this year.

But did she, though? Did she really do a "rapid change of heart" on Soleimani? Really? Well, for one thing, no, at least not in the way Cillizza, who should go fuck himself, said:

But let's have some real talk. If you have been on the bad parts of the internet the past few days, you may have seen that Warren is taking incoming fire from all kinds of idiots for her supposed flip-flop on this.

Yes, Warren did change her tone and move away from mentioning that Soleimani was a bad guy, because unfortunately, the online Left is fucking obnoxious sometimes and particularly right now they are focused like dogs with a bone on the idea if that you merely mention that Soleimani was bad, you are obviously a secret supporter of Trump's imaginary boner war, just obviously:

Glad that dude from the Intercept who has the podcast with the other Assad guy mansplained that for Elizabeth Warren, much appreciative!

So, is that why Warren massaged her messaging? Yeah probably. Her poll numbers are not awesome right now and she likely needs to be more on the Bernie side of things at the moment, which isn't hard for her since they are so similar.

However, and this is important: None of her statements contradict each other! They are all true! Let us show you, by combining her statements into a monologue!

Soleimani was a murderer, responsible for the deaths of thousands, including hundreds of Americans. But this reckless move escalates the situation with Iran and increases the likelihood of more deaths and new Middle East conflict. Our priority must be to avoid another costly war. (AND!) Donald Trump ripped up an Iran nuclear deal that was working. He's repeatedly escalated tensions. Now he's assassinated a senior foreign military official. He's been marching toward war with Iran since his first days in office—but the American people won't stand for it. (AND!) Next week, the President of the United States could be facing an impeachment trial in the Senate. We know he's deeply upset about that. And I think people are reasonably asking, why this moment? Why does he pick now to take this highly inflammatory, highly dangerous action that moves us closer to war?

Oh my god, give that monologue the Antoinette Perry lifetime achievement award for excellence in monologues that do not actually contradict each other! It's almost like three non-contradictory things can be true at the same time or something.


1. Soleimani was a murderer, but war in Iran is bad.

2. He was also a high-ranking Iranian official, not just some mere terrorist, which takes this into a whole different ballgame, and makes Trump's actions really fucking stupid and poorly thought out. Also war in Iran is bad.

3. Wonder if Trump's doing this to create a catastrophe to distract from his impeachment. Anyway, war in Iran is bad.

Another example:

1. Chris Cillizza is a fucking hack who shouldn't be paid by CNN to write listicles (which he does) much less provide political analysis.

2. Mitch McConnell is a piece of shit who can cram his cries for "national" unity up the turtle butthole inside his shell, which is also what he (SCIENCE TURTLE FACT) probably uses to breathe, so he should be careful to leave some room for oxygen when he's cramming his "national unity" cries up his turtle butthole.

3. Elizabeth Warren may have tweaked her messaging on this in the past few days, but she hasn't contradicted herself, so you can shove that up YOUR turtle butthole, Chris Cillizza.

See? Three things. All true.

Meh whatever fuck off, OPEN THREAD.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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