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GREAT JOB, WONKERS! You did it. In 2018, you worked your ass off, you sent your money, you dragged your friends to the polls, and you made that sweet blue wave a reality. It only took a 9 million vote margin in the popular vote, but we are finally back in control of the House of Representatives. Nancy Pelosi is ready to bang that gavel and grind her delicate heel into Trump's flaccid, orange bits.

Yes, we know everything is scary and horrible all the time. But let's not lose sight of what you accomplished. To wit ...

You Picked Up Forty* House Seats

Actually, the real number is probably 41, since Mark Harris vote-frauded the bejeezus out of NC-9 and still only "won" by a margin of 0.6%. And the fat lady hasn't sung yet, with the North Carolina GOP ratfuckers in the state legislature racing to certify Harris before they lose their veto-proof supermajority in the General Assembly next month. Incoming Majority Leader Steny Hoyer promises the House won't seat Harris until the fraud issues are resolved, so this one is anyone's guess.

You kicked Putin's favorite Congressman Dana Rohrabacher to the curb in California. You sent that anti-choice wingnut Karen Handel packing, and replaced her with badass Mother of the Movement Lucy McBath in Georgia. You got all up in Dave Brat's grill in Virginia, and sent him off to spout gibberish in the private sector after RNC goons used his opponent Abigail Spanberger's stolen personnel file to pretend the former CIA agent was part of a terrorist sleeper cell. You sent a younger, browner, more female class of freshmen to Congress who will represent America's vibrant, diverse population and ensure the longterm health of the Democratic party. And you burned the GOP to the ground in California.

LET THE MURDERS OVERSIGHT HEARINGS BEGIN!


You Held The Line in the Senate

Beto FOREVER! As heartbreaking as it was to lose in Texas, North Dakota, Florida, Indiana, and Missouri, this could have been so, so much worse. We were defending 10 seats in states Trump won, and we hung on in Wisconsin, Michigan, Ohio, West Virginia, Montana, and Pennsylvania. In addition to which, Jacky Rosen knocked off that weasel Dean Heller in Nevada, giving the state two Democratic senators, three out of four Democratic representatives, and flipping the state house to Democrats. That's not a purple state anymore. And Kyrsten Sinema beat out that liar Martha McSally for the open senate seat in Arizona. McSally will still head back to DC to serve out the remaining two years of John McCain's term, but we get another crack at her in two years. And, as an added bonus, her congressional seat flipped blue. Womp womp!

Would it be better if we'd picked up Texas and Tennessee? Well, yeah, no shit! Those GOP assholes are going to ratfuck the judiciary in ways too horrible to even contemplate. But for almost everything else, it takes two houses of Congress to tango, and Republicans can't pull that reconciliation trick by trying to murder immigration or the Affordable Care Act through budget fuckery anymore with Nancy Pelosi riding herd on Congress. And Senate Judiciary chairman Chuck Grassley won't be able to whitewash a murder of the Mueller investigation with his counterpart Jerry Nadler issuing subpoenas in the House.

Time to start thinking about 2020, Joni Ernst, Cory Gardner, Thom Tillis, and (spit on the ground) Susan Collins!

Meanwhile Back At The Ranch

For too long, Democrats undervalued the importance of state offices, allowing Republicans free rein to entrench themselves in state legislatures and gerrymander the shit out of the country. BUT NO MORE! We're in the fight now, and it's trench warfare trying to get Republicans in Wisconsin, Michigan, North Carolina, and Ohio to quit cracking and packing to stop Americans from choosing their own representatives. In addition to Florida's felon re-enfranchisement ballot law, several states passed ballot measures calling for fair districts. GOP legislators in Wisconsin, North Carolina, and Michigan will cheat, lie and steal to overturn the will of the voters. And they might get away with it this time. BUT ... A really good way to piss off voters is to shitcan their duly passed ballot initiatives five minutes after the midterms while heading into a presidential cycle where turnout is likely to shatter any previous record. Solid plan, Gippers!

The fate of those ballot initiatives is unclear. But you did succeed in flipping statehouses in Nevada, New Mexico, Wisconsin, Michigan, Kansas, Illinois, and Maine. While Republicans picked up ... Alaska. So long Scott Walker and Paul LePage, don't let the doorknob hitya where the devil splitya! And here's hoping Kansas's favorite failson Kris Kobach doesn't become Trump's new chief of staff -- although he'd certainly leave an easy-to-follow paper trail.

You also picked up more than 330 state legislative seats and flipped control of state legislative chambers. Good job, YOU!

So, Now What?

Now, all hell breaks loose! We have no predictions for 2020, since this year promises be a gut-wrenching roller coaster that rips the fabric of our civil discourse and defies anything but short-term planning. Between the House hearings, the Mueller probe, SDNY and EDVA cases, New York state inquiries, and whatever New Jersey charges may come out of the newest Trump Bedminister fake green card scandal, the entire swamp is on fire, and there's no telling how far the flames will spread.

And not for nothing, but the president is clearly losing his damn mind.

So let's stay in the fight, but not with each other. Make a New Years resolution to save your firepower for those bastards in the GOP who lock babies in cages, starve the poor, celebrate taking healthcare from the sick, and want to gut public education to turn the country into a dribbling rabble of red-hatted Foxbots. No more circular firing squad! No more debating 2016! We can have a competitive primary without trying to murder each other.

DO. NOT. FIGHT. WITH. OTHER. DEMOCRATS. And do not engage with online trolls.

Thank you. We love you. And Happy New Year!

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Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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An unhinged wannabe fascist who tweets about golden showers did a news conference in the Rose Garden this afternoon. Also, Donald Trump was there.

Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro is in town, and everything about today's public appearance with Trump and Bolsonaro has been real stupid, just like how it was real stupid when Bolsonaro's stupid son was the stupid guest of honor the other night at a stupid Steve Bannon event at the stupid Trump trash palace hotel in DC.

During their pool spray, Trump excitedly told reporters that he was making plans to give NATO privileges to Brazil, because of how Brazil elected a big gross dipshit just like America did. Of course, considering how Trump treats actual NATO countries, Bolsonaro might want to reconsider whether he wants that.

Then a reporter asked him about his blubbering whiny-ass attacks on John McCain, who is still dead.

That's right, Donald Trump didn't even avoid the question about his very embarrassing behavior. He spoke about McCain as if McCain were still alive, whined about McCain killing Obamacare repeal, and concluded by saying, "I was never a fan of John McCain, and I never will be." As for McCain, he will continue living rent-free in the president's nightmares and his face will be the face of Trump's insecurities, because we guess that's what happens to John McCains when they die.

But enough about the pool spray! After they met in the Oval Office and did whatever fascists who should be prohibited entry to the White House via an electric doggie fence do (sniffed each other's butts, probably), they entered the Rose Garden and proceeded to hike their legs on democracy some more.

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Yep, we're breaking out the Wikimedia kitten image for this one.

CNN is out today with a story on members of the anti-vaccination/pro-disease movement who have found a delightful new way to win converts to their side in the war on science: find parents (mothers, generally) who have recently lost a child to a preventable disease, and then harass them on social media, because after all, good people refuse vaccines and anyone who advocates for vaccines must be burned to the ground. As your lawyer (we are not a lawyer), we advise you to secure any hurlable heavy objects near you before reading.

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