Don't be a hero. Congress is coming back to DC, and you need this.

Raise your hand if you are about to get fucked over by Congress. (Hint: All of you should have a hand raised.) Now use the other hand to pour yourself a stiff drink, because you’re gonna need it.

In September, Congress will make their triumphant return from their annual 5-week vacation (because they are ‘regular people’ who don’t work in August, just like you!) and there are some major deadlines ahead. With the jittery stock market, Congress dithering over a government shutdown, and toying with not raising the debt ceiling there's nothing to worry about, right? #FMLwRTI (Fuck My Life with a Rusty Tire Iron).

Congress has a long to-do list this fall because the GOP sucks at governing harder than Tucker Carlson sucks on a goat’s dick. They have basically spent all year not doing much of anything except whining about how Obummer is ruining everything because Presidenting While Black. Now they have actual Constitutional duties to perform, which is scary.

First up, all government funding runs out on Sept. 30. The GOP wants to spend zero monies on government programs, give away money to oil barons, and charge poor people for the privilege of getting shat upon by their social betters. Democrats want to spend ALL THE MONIES on buying health insurance for iObamaphone-toting poors playing Candy Crush on their gay honeymoon on Caribbean Fornication & Abortion Funtime Cruises. Professional pundits might say that they don’t see eye to eye.

To top it off, Canadian non-Asian anchor baby Ted Cruz is threatening to shut down the government if even one penny goes to Planned Parenthood. (He'll likely be joined by Rand Paul.) It’s good to know that national policy is based on heavily-edited videos that don’t show anything illegal. Rumor has it that Cruz is collecting the entire Dr. Seuss catalog to read on the Senate Floor, because he is that serious about it. Spoiler alert: He’ll fail. Planned Parenthood will be funded. At which point we will all point and laugh at Ted Cruz, as it has been and so shall it ever be.

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Once Boehner & Company pass a funding bill (for you nerds out there: likely an omnibus because there is no way in HELL they will pass separate approps bills), Congress will have to raise the debt ceiling in November or December. Republican leaders have super-promised no shut downs over the fiscal stuff this time around:

Republican leaders in both the House and the Senate are vowing to avoid a government shutdown or debt default in the coming months, but conservatives in both chambers have threatened to use the upcoming fiscal fights to advance unrelated political issues such as defunding Planned Parenthood. The later debt limit deadline may give leaders more time to try to bring conservatives on board, but aides from both parties said that formal discussions have not begun.

NOTE: Republican leaders should not be praised for this. For serious, this is like showing up for work and not setting the building on fire. This is literally the BARE MINIMUM that Congress has to do to avoid a catastrophe, and they are in danger of fucking it up. That's GOP leadership for ya.

Some in Congress are seeking to screw over the rest of the world also too. A bunch of countries have negotiated a nuke deal with Iran to keep them from getting The Bomb. Because this happened through the talky-talky and not the bomby-bomby, chickenshit/hawk GOP asshats want to scuttle the deal. Remember: diplomacy is for weak-willed pussies who care about things like “peace” and “security” and “not sending more soldiers to die in a far off land because of Daddy issues” and shit like that. Congress will likely pass a bill against the Iran deal, which will be vetoed by Obama. And it looks like Congress won't be able to override the veto, because the GOP is as impotent as Lindsey Graham at the Bunny Ranch.

Speaking of global, a bunch of the far-far-far-far right Republicans are also trying to kill the Export-Import Bank. We are not experts on this thing, other than knowing the following two things:

1. “A handful of right-wing ideologues in the House of Representatives is blocking the ability of majorities in both chambers to reauthorize an agency whose only role is to help American workers sell their goods abroad. There’s a lot to like about Ex-Im Bank: it doesn’t cost taxpayers a cent because it charges users for its services; it doesn’t compete with the private sector, and in fact 98% of its transactions involve private lenders as partners; and it focuses on leveling the playing field for exporters like Boeing that otherwise would be on their own in competing with companies backed by foreign governments.” (Haha, we did not know that. We stoled it from Forbes.)
2. Goddam this is a long post. Are we done yet? No!?! Time for another drink.

Let's breeze through the rest of issues that Congress will bungle:

• Highway Funding Bill: At the end of October, authorization and funding for roads and bridges runs out. Despite professed hatred for all things "DC," states crawl on their knees to slop at the trough of government spending when it comes to fixing potholes and building new roads. How divisive is highway spending policy? In July, Congress passed its 34th short-term extension of highway funding because they can't agree on a long-term solution. #Leadership.
• No Child Left Behind: The landmark education bill passed by GWB expired years ago. Although everyone hates the law, Congress is having a hard time passing a new one. This fall, a conference committee will try to reconcile the far-right House bill with the lame-ass Senate bill. Republicans in both chambers promised their bill will "repeal Common Core" which is not a law, so these are definitely the folks who should be writing education policy.
• Pope Loves-The-Gays-Kind-Of is coming to Merica! And for the first time since Jesus wrote the Declaration of Independence, the Pope will address Congress. What will Pope Awesomesauce say? Who knows. We hear he will visit prisons, so maybe he'll talk about criminal justice reform. And much to Bobby Jindal's dismay, he may talk about climate change. We will have many sads if he talks about 'bortion & Planned Parenthood. If he performs a gay wedding at the Capitol, we will immediately convert to Catholicism and give the pope all our monies.

Our list of things that won't happen:

• Gun Control: If Congress won't pass a background check after 20 CHILDREN GET SHOT DEAD, then reporters being murdered on live TV won't be enough to peel their lips from the NRA's knob.

Will other stuff happen? Probably. And yr Wonkette will be here to provide snark, mockery, derision, dick jokes, and the occasional Wonksplainer. We do it because we love you ... and because you are so generous with your monies.

[Politico / Washington Post / Forbes / US News]

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