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Good morning, Wonkers, and a blessed beginning of the week to you. The weather report in GOP-land is partly cloudy with a 100 percent chance of snowflake, as House Judiciary Committee ranking Republican Doug Collins -- you might know him better as the Congressman from "Hee Haw" who looks like he smells like a corn nut -- has sent a letter to Judiciary chairman Jerry Nadler asking that the following words not be said about Donald Trump in this afternoon's committee hearing on the Mueller Report:

  • infantile
  • hissy fit
  • liar
  • amoral
  • draft-dodger
  • crook
  • FESS UP!
  • con man
  • "aiding and abetting the enemy"
  • emperor
  • pathetic person
  • "putting himself and his allies above the law"
  • "committed crimes"
  • President Brain Hemorrhoids

OK fine, Doug Collins's letter did not include the last one, because to our knowledge no Democrats have ever called Donald Trump "President Brain Hemorrhoids" during a congressional hearing. (Though they oughta!) But all the rest of them (and many more!) are real, and they are mean words Democrats have already said about Trump in congressional hearings. You didn't think Collins came up with them himself, did you?

This is how pathetic today's Republican party is. That's how triggered. That's how much they need a safe space, where nobody can pierce their fragile emotions by making fun of their shit king in front of them.


Today's hearing in the Judiciary Committee (2:00 PM ET) will feature Nixon lawyer John Dean and half the contributors on MSNBC -- legal experts Barbara McQuade and Joyce White Vance, so actually they should be really good witnesses -- and will focus on "Lessons from the Mueller Report," specifically including all the obstruction of justice crimes Robert Mueller painstakingly laid out for Congress to follow, like a road map. If you read the Mueller Report, or Wonkette's liveblogs of it, you are already aware that the document exposes Trump as an infantile, amoral, and pathetic person, a liar prone to hissy fits, a man who thinks he's emperor, and whose entire campaign operation and presidency so far have served to aid and abet the enemy. It's clear he committed crimes, he thinks he and his allies are above the law, and that he needs to FESS UP.

It doesn't say anything about brain hemorrhoids. (Though it oughta!)

Collins's letter cites House rules of decorum and Jefferson's Manual, which do indeed prescribe certain regulations for how to talk about stuff during regular Committee hearings. That said, we don't think House rules of decorum or Jefferson's Manual really imagined a chickenshit dumbfuck thin-skinned babyshitting yap-mouth like Donald Trump would ever ride the coattails of an attack on our electoral system by a hostile foreign power into the Oval Office.

Collins explains his reasoning:

"[Monday's hearing] appears to be part of a strategy to turn the Committee's oversight hearings into a mock-impeachment inquiry rather than a legitimate exercise in congressional oversight. Conducting such hearings inevitably sets this Committee on a collision course with the longstanding Rules of the House, which you have apparently alluded to as recently as this week."

Collins is careful to note that all these rules of decorum are in effect -- you betcha -- until or unless the committee opens a true impeachment inquiry into the president, in which case those rules of decorum aren't in effect anymore. Duly noted, Congressman Hee Haw! And when those hearings start -- and they will, hopefully timed to inflict maximum pain on Trump's 2020 presidential campaign -- the Democrats, we are sure, will make certain to be even meaner than they're being right now.

Until then, the Democrats will obviously get right on the task of not calling Trump any bad words in Congress, and if they need a handy list of other names they definitely should not call the president, they are invited to scour the archives of Wonkette, as our epithets for Trump are world-famous and cherished among nations.

Start with President Fuck-Bonkers. That one's definitely against House rules of decorum.

[Collins letter]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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