Congressman From 'Hee Haw' Will Ride Devin Nunes's Cow Into This Week's Trump Impeachment Hearings

Welcome back from Thanksgiving! We're sure you're as glad to be removed from joy and back in Trump Impeachment-Land as we are.

On Wednesday, the House Judiciary Committee will hold its first hearing in the impeachment inquiry, a hearing full of "academic witnesses" who will testify about the finer legal points of "Impeach The Motherfucker Already." We are sure it will be riveting TV, and we will of course be covering it live.

But the Republican ranking member of the House Judiciary Committee is a bigger banjo-munching Republican than Devin Nunes, and so this is what we have to look forward to. Consider this clip from the House's earlier Corey Lewandowski hearing.

When I get upset my accent come

Oopsie! We have just been informed by the Wonkette factchecking department that we have accidentally posted the video of Kenneth's southern accent overtaking him on "30 Rock" instead of a video of Doug Collins. Our honest mistake.

Here is the correct video:

OK, those both were the same video, we think.

Point is, it's not just going to be Devin Nunes mooing up the room reading Russian propaganda. The Russian propaganda will be delivered by Foghorn Leghorn on bath salts this time.

Collins has suggested he'd really like to turn the House Judiciary Committee's hearings into a clownshow of his own creation. But now that White House Counsel Pat Cipollone has turned in another one of his hilarious third-grade-level lawyer letters explaining why Donald Trump won't be participating in the impeachment hearings because UNFFAAAAAAAAAIR, Collins will have to make do with trying to obstruct the proceedings in any way he can think of.

First of all, he told noted news show "Fox & Stuff & Things" this weekend that Adam Schiff absolutely has to testify, because Adam Schiff is the "author of the report" the Intelligence Committee has compiled for its colleagues over on Judiciary, and that would be a completely unproductive waste of time so Collins is FOR IT. (Yes, we will get to see that report too. It should be coming soon.) It would allow Republicans to explore their conspiracy theories that Adam Schiff is the whistleblower and Adam Schiff's mom is the whistleblower and Adam Schiff's dog is the whistleblower and Adam Schiff's mom's dog's yoga instructor's whistleblower is also the whistleblower.

Collins also sent Judiciary Committee Chair Jerrold Nadler a letter requesting more fairness in Wednesday's hearing, because of how there will only be four witnesses on Wednesday, and there need to be a LOT MORE WITNESSES. Did you know that during the Clinton impeachment, Ken Starr was a witness (he was the author of the actual special counsel report that preceded that impeachment inquiry) and also that four witnesses on Wednesday is "less than a quarter of those called to testify during the Clinton impeachment"? You should know that, and that's why Doug Collins (R-Deliverance) put it in his letter to Adam Schiff.

He also seems to be upset that out of the four witnesses coming Wednesday, only one was picked by the Republicans, WOMP WOMP. Also it is just going TOO FAST for him and he DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO and he feels like a common LUCY AND ETHEL right now:

"It's about like me telling y'all, 'I want you to go into the kitchen, I want you to bake me something,'" Collins said. "And you say, 'Well, what to do I have to bake?' I say, 'It doesn't matter. Just go bake something.' "

You betcha.

Meanwhile, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo is bitching about how unfair it is that this will be happening while Trump is in London trying to destroy meeting with NATO. Wonkette thinks it's unfair that Mike Pompeo participated in Trump's various criminal conspiracies against Ukraine, including being on Trump's July 25 crime call with Volodymyr Zelenskyy.

Anyway, the point is that it should be a very fun week in the Land Of INPEACH! and Doug Collins is an idiot and we don't know what else, the end.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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