Conservative Conference Will Feature 100%-Bangin' Toga Party


Areyou all geared up for the upcoming State Policy Network (SPN) Annual Meeting in Asheville, North Carolina? Bro come on! The SPN is a network of wingnut think tanks and organizations throughout the country that helps "advance a free society by providing leadership development, management training and networking opportunities for think tank professionals and by promoting strategic partnerships among market-oriented organizations." STRATEGY, MARKETS, NETWORKS, TRAINING, LEADERSHIP, MANAGEMENT, CUM, COCKS, DOLLA DOLLA BILLS. If you are that particular flavor of "douche" that specializes in lacking self-awareness, you belong to the SPN! Let's see what rad parties some of the SPN members will be throwing during their annual meeting... oh look, a Toga Party! Hilarious forwarded invite, below.

Subject Line:

Toga Celebration at the SPN Annual Meeting ~ Invitation

Dear Minions of the SPN Empire:

It has sadly come to my attention that many of the younger members of our Freedom Movement have never watched “Animal House” and may not understand the cultural significance of a Toga Party. Here I’ll blame public education and their parents breast feeding them too long while watching Oprah. Sadder still are the older, goodie-two-shoes, pencil-neck types in our movement who only used a beer bong in college to hold their protractors and HP calculators. I won’t mention people like Joe Lehman or Lynn Harsh so as not to embarrass their colleagues.

To right these wrongs you are hereby ordered to join me at the Toga Celebration in Asheville, within the SPN Annual Meeting! Yours truly serves as Emperor of Ceremonies. The festivities take place Tues., Nov. 3, 10:00 pm to 1:00 am (10:00 pm to 10:15 pm for Gisele Huff to lessen any sexual harassment lawsuits). You will celebrate with me in festive toga fashion – or to the Coliseum and lions for you.

Toga Celebration minutiae, approved by me, Emperor of Ceremonies:

* In honor of Animal House, all party entrants must wear a toga at the festivities. And by the way, wearing pants with a toga is like wearing suspenders and a belt; or as we say in Colorado, pulling a “Gary Palmer.”

* Those who don’t sport a toga will be thoroughly embarrassed by a roaming rogue troupe of Cirque du Soleil rejects.

* You should bring your toga from home (someone needs to tell Carl Helstrom that’s just a bed sheet). This likely means we get to see Kurt Weber wearing something with a Spiderman theme

* A Best Toga Contest will take place for males, females and asexual Mackinac employees.

* A rigged jury will likely declare me the Best Toga Contest winner (for males)

* Orgy to follow the Toga Celebration, location TBA (no toga required)

* SPN’s attorneys “encouraged” me to state: This isn’t an SPN thing. The Toga Celebration is hosted by: Students for Liberty, Foundation for Economic Education, Institute for Humane Studies and Liberty on the Rocks.

Do join me, Emperor of Ceremonies, for much needed think-tank bacchanal. Attached is a Love is Hell cartoon to help launch the Toga Celebration spirit.

So let it be written, so let it be done.

Emperor of Ceremonies

Jon Caldara

President, Independence Institute

Sounds like a great place to get raped!

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Guys, it's been one more shit day in a shit week in the fifth shit month of another shit Trump year. Which is why I need to remind you that it's not ALL shit out there! Oh, sure, it's MOSTLY shit, but you know what isn't shit? YR WONKETTE, and the strange community of strange internet people who have made getting through all this shit a bit more tolerable, that's who and what. Which is why you should give us money, so we can keep whanging away at the walls of shit with our shovels and laughing at the shit getting all over, because one of these days we will get it all cleaned up or at least not be up to our waists in shit, and we can all laugh about what a crazy fight it was, as St. Molly Ivins always kept reminding us.

In case you're new here, let me just remind you that Wonkette literally got me, Yr Dok Zoom, out of what wasn't quite poverty, but was pretty much paycheck-to-paycheck desperation. I started reading the site shortly before Barack Obama was elected, began commenting sometime in his first term, and submitted a story tip to Rebecca a few months after she bought the site for 47 dollars and a sandwich (I now understand it was a bit more than that). It was Memorial Day 2012, and she wrote back she was busy with some "stupid thing I have to do for some muneez," but would I like to try writing a blog post myself? "I understand if you say FUCK NO. But maybe you are thinking FUCK YES?" And then she warned me she paid only in Ameros. I did, the post was forgettable but OK, and then I wrote a thing (borrowed from now long-lost comments) that went semi-viral, and suddenly I was that hottest thing in publishing, a freelancer!

In less than a year, Rebecca asked you all to buy me to be your very own pet blogger, and my life suddenly became incredibly good, like as good as an Abba song. It's as good as "Dancing Queen." Thanks to the timing of the whole thing (and to Barry Obama and Nancy Pelosi), I actually had health insurance for the first time in years, a not inconsiderable thing. And you had an Editrix who was not working 12 hour days six and a half days a week and drinking too much from stress. Your continued donations helped hire Evan full time and Robyn and Bianca part time and a whole raft of freelancers, and now Rebecca is down to eight-hour days, five and a half days a week, and drinking because there's a madman in the White House and everything's terrible.

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There is a very normal article circulating on the internet right now by a fella named Don Boys (that's not the joke, the jokes are coming), who is both an insane batshit preacher, and also an insane batshit former member of the Indiana House of Representatives. (Also sometimes he blogs at the Daily Caller about how Mike Pence really went balls deep into the gay agenda when he swore in that insane batshit gay guy Rick Grenell as America's ambassador to Germany.)

This article, of course, is about Pete Buttigieg, because what are anti-gay buffoons obsessed with right now? Pete Buttigieg. Boys (still his name) is primarily concerned not with the simple fact that Buttigieg is gay, but with how gay Buttigieg really is. IN THE SEX WAY!

Well, Don, since you asked!

Shall we dive into this thing without the proper prophylactics? We shall.

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