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What happens when theblacks criminals break into your house? You pick one of your 63 guns off the shelf, shoot them until their brain matter splatters all over you, and lick your fingers after a job well done, right? But what if these criminals are there to take away your God-given Second Amendment rights by stealing all of your guns? This is the premise of a hilarious service, the aptly-named hideyourguns.com, which advertises on conservative websites. This thing wants to sell you a $60 manual (please look at the cover art) that will keep you one step ahead of the criminals who want to steal all of your precious guns.


At first look, this may seem like one of those "I'm a suburban mom that made sixty-thousand acai berries online by following this one old secret" ads that pop up everywhere. But this is DIFFERENT.

As those punks left my house that day they must have been feeling that they had cleaned me out completely. But even with a broken wrist I got the last laugh. Here’s why: I had a secret cache of weapons hidden deep inside my house, where no thugs or even a sophisticated criminal would ever think to look.

I knew that hidden safely away in my house was my real gun collection, the one worth thousands of dollars and including muzzle loaders from the War Between the States and a few guns my grandfather gave me when I was young. The truth is, even if they had known where to look, they wouldn’t have gotten them.

HAHA! See, you have to trick those blacks criminals into taking your decoy guns, the ones you don't even care about that much! That is part of this ingenious wingnut secret!

I also explain the truth about a ‘panic room’ and how and when it might be a good idea for you to get busy and build one. But that’s not all. I reveal the cold hard truth about buying the right kind of safe for your valuables, including:

When you need a safe and what kind to buy

Where to put your safe so they can’t get into it, even if they manage to find it

(page 15)

What you absolutely must have on the bottom of the safe

Four questions you must ask the safe company before you buy

If you’re like me, you’re not just worried about hiding your guns but gold coins and other valuables as well. The truth is, you should be building an emergency preparedness plan for your family or loved ones right now in the event of a terrorist attack or civil unrest. (I cover all this in the book)

But one warning before I continue...

If you're shocked by straight talk about the nature of the crisis facing our country, this book may not be for you. And if you're a liberal and are offended by talk about God and country, this is definitely not for you.

Oh goody! This important information is only available to us patriots!

But I do give you step by step examples you can implement immediately to secure your guns, gold and other valuables. With this new-found knowledge you’ll remain one of the few armed citizens when most of the pathetic sheep are rendered defenseless.

I have to warn you... this information is likely to send

shockwaves through the liberal media, so be discreet about

how you use it and who you tell about it.

OKAY! OKAY! Secret is safe with us! (Haha, dumb dead libruls.)

This book is the only one of its kind in the world, sort of like having your own private pass to Fort Knox, where your guns and valuables are safe from predators.

Henmejdughhhhldpaddoooopahhhhhhhhhhh! We just came.

Please folks, do not keep your guns in hollowed-out books like the one "Sharkman" shows us in the video and tells us is very popular. Get out your Ron Paul coins and buy this book now!

Now back to you, LeVar Burton. [Hide Your Guns]

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What's up fuckers? Were you waiting for me to come back from Mexico and write words at ya? Well, you know I don't write words at ya anymore, because of how I hate you, each, individually, but more importantly Trump has knocked all the words right out of my silly little lady brain.

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BONESAW WEEK WILL NEVER END! It's like Infrastructure Week, only stuff actually happens. And the stuff is all horrible! This morning, Saudi authorities indicted 11 suspects in the October killing of Jamal Khashoggi, announcing their intention to execute five of them. Despite copious evidence that the killing in the Turkish consulate was ordered by Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, lackeys are going to take the fall -- with their heads. And the US Treasury Department dutifully responded by imposing sanctions on 17 Saudis "involved in the abhorrent killing" of a legal US resident who was in the process of applying for citizenship. So, we're good now, yes? We can go back to selling them murder machines to kill Yemeni civilians?

And then SHIT GOT WEIRD.

NBC reports that the Trump administration is so desperate to resume normal relations with Jared Kushner's BFF MBS that they're trying to trade 77-year-old cleric Fetullah Gülen -- a lawful resident of Pennsylvania for 20 years -- to the Turkish government in exchange for them dropping the inquiry into the Khashoggi murder.

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