Conservatives Obsessing Over God's Junk Because OMG SHUT UP YOU FREAKS
The GOP is currently working itself into a lather over the the Lord's bathing suit parts. You heard us.
"God Almighty," you are sighing, "what will these assholes think of next?"
Or perhaps "G-d Almighty" or, my personal favorite, "Gd Almighty." Because at Hebrew school they taught us it was bad form to write out the Lord's "name," and, although I've grown into an adult who believes that an all-powerful deity wouldn't get worked up about spelling, old habits die hard.
But not hard enough! The GOP is currently engaged in a news cycle of performative outrage because Rep. Eric Swalwell "misgendered God."
"We could have called God herself and the Republicans weren't going to convict," the California congressman told MSNBC's Nicolle Wallace, "so we're proud of the case we put forward."
And then the murders began. And by murders we mean pathetic yapping by profoundly unserious people who insist on a tiny, knowable God who fits neatly in a sippy cup, to be mindlessly slurped up by toddlers.
"This is the leftist 'unity," tweeted Trump's traffic lawyer Jenna Ellis. "Eric Swalwell mocks truth by intentionally misgendering God."
As if God were a trans kid trying to use the appropriate bathroom at school, only to find the door blocked by a pack of snarling bigots howling nonsense about protecting their precious daughters from "boys in dresses."
"God is, of course, a spiritual being unbound by the physical attributes of His creation. So, in that sense, He is neither male nor female in that way. However, God does possess the characteristics of personhood, and He chose to reveal Himself in human form through His Son, Jesus, who is male," writes Christian site FaithWire. "While it's undeniable God — even as we do — exhibits both feminine and masculine attributes, the Bible contains around 170 references to God as 'Father.' And Jesus always referred to God as His 'Heavenly Father.'"
Did he, though? That would have been pretty odd considering Jesus and everyone he interacted with spoke Aramaic. As a Jew, Jesus presumably had an understanding of God less as the loving father figure of the New Testament than as the vengeful deity who immediately burnt Aaron's sons Nadab and Abihu to a crisp for offering up inferior incense in Leviticus.
This is the God of the Tetragrammaton, who sent the flood and smote the Egyptians and parted the sea and turned Lot's wife to a pillar of salt as punishment for an errant glance. And while thousands of years of male clergy have referred to "the Holy one, blessed be He," God of the Bible refuses to be confined within the narrow bounds of human understanding. "I am what I am," God says by way of introduction.
God appeared as a burning bush and used plural pronouns. Does any person of true faith believe that God can be defined by XY chromosomes? Isn't the real profanity insisting it's a matter of profound theological importance whether God has the ability to pee standing up?
That's a joke, of course. Because there is nothing conservatives care about more than other people's genitals. And if you're going to reduce God to a tiny mascot to plaster on your bumper and throw at your political enemies, then you're darn tootin' that God will have boy bits.
BIGGEST WANKING MOTION EVER.
Also BIGGEST OPEN THREAD EVER.
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.