Convicted Felon Jim Bakker's Magic Silver Drink Cured Him Of Being Able To Take Credit Card Payments
Jim Bakker doesn't have any non-existent hotel rooms to rent you these days, but he would sure like some money.
Unfortunately for him, he can't take credit card payments anymore because everyone has been getting him in trouble by saying that he said his magic silver drink could prevent COVID-19, just because he literally came out and said, repeatedly and on camera, that his magic silver drink could prevent COVID-19. Bakker is now asserting that he never said any such thing and the Food and Drug Administration and the Federal Trade Commission and the Attorney General of New York State and Wonkette are all lying about him having done so.
Except here he is, featuring a random lady who claims that the silver potion he sells has the ability to "deactivate" viruses;
And just for good measure, here's that lady again claiming that the magic potion has been proven by the government to kill SARS and HIV, which it definitely has not.
According to Bakker, the credit card processing companies won't process his sales anymore because of all the trouble he's in, and now he can only take checks. And he sure would like his audience members to send him some nice big checks so that he can stay on the air and keep telling them about Jesus and also keep selling all of his various survival products that he sells as a service to them. You know, because the apocalypse is coming any day now and he wants them to be prepared. He's a giver, really. Just ask Jessica Hahn.
Bakker also accused the credit card processing companies of stealing all of the money people had given him and keeping it for themselves, which just seems very plausible.
"We were doing so well," Bakker lamented. "For the last few weeks, [the processing companies] have been taking the money and putting it in their own accounts. We have not received money. They think because somebody told a lie about us, so now they're saying, 'Well, the people might want their money back, so we've got to keep all your money.' Please stand with us. If people come against us, then it's going to be impossible for us to stay on the air."
And he really needs that money to stay on the air! Or to pay off women to not talk about their rapes. Or to just keep for himself. After all, if he were to have to get a real job, he'd have to check that "have you been convicted of a felony" box and things could get real awkward.
Perhaps he should consider getting money the way he tells his followers to get money — by giving more of his money to another televangelist.
You know who you SHOULD be giving money to? Oh, you know. Also if you are buying stuff on Amazon, click this link!
Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. In addition to her work at Wonkette, she also has a biweekly column at Dame. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse