Cool Pope Francis Stone Cold Firing All The Cardinal Dicks


It has been at least a week since Cool Pope did anything awesome, so he ismaking up for it in spades. How about demoting asshole Cardinal Raymond Burke -- again! -- to a ceremonial job with no influence and no ability to dick over American Catholics with the gall to be liberals, and no say on how any of the world's Catholics do shit? Okay, we guess we will take it.

So who is Cardinal Raymond Burke, and why do we hate that fucking guy? Well, your first clue is he was created cardinal by Pope Ratzi, the Nazi Pope, and that guy was the worst. How did Burke so endear himself to the shithead wing of the Church that he was created cardinal? By loudly blustering that American Democrats like Nancy Pelosi and John Kerry must be refused Communion, because they were hellbound abortionists what did all the bortions. "But wait," you are thinking, because you are an idiot, "the Catholic Church is also against the death penalty! Shouldn't all the Republican Catholics have been denied Communion too?" You are adorable. No.

In fact, not only were Pelosi and Kerry committing mortal sins by keeping abortion legal, but even voting for them was a mortal sin too! Sounds like someone needs his tax-exempt status looked into, stat! Lois Lerner, a nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

What are some other total dick moves Burke did?

  • He "interdicted" a nun -- blocked her from receiving the sacraments, almost an excommunication -- because she had the temerity to say out loud she thought women should be priests. Her community describes her as "near saintly." You know who no one describes that way? Raymond Burke.
  • He thinks your kids should not ever be around a gay person because they are "profoundly disordered." (Gay people, not your kids. OR ARE THEY?) Hate the sin, love the sinner, but definitely don't let your brother come to Thanksgiving if he likes a throbbing cock in his butt.

    ‘If homosexual relationships are intrinsically disordered, which indeed they are … then what would it mean to grandchildren to have present at a family gathering a family member who is living [in] a disordered relationship with another person?

    ‘If it were another kind of relationship – something that was profoundly disordered and harmful – we wouldn't expose our children to that relationship, to the direct experience of it.

    ‘And neither should we do it in the context of a family member who not only suffers from same-sex attraction, but who has chosen to live out that attraction, to act upon it, committing acts which are always and everywhere wrong, evil.’

    ‘Families have to find a way … to try to draw the person away from a relationship which is disordered.’

  • He was some fuckin' bullshit on letting child molesters come work in the St. Louis Archdiocese, for years and years and all the years.
  • He talks a bunch of shit about Cool Pope, like, fuckin' constantly.

And now Cool Pope Francis is all, oh, here is your stupid ceremonial role where you have no possibility of judging doctrine, or judging nuns, or judging cases in the Vatican Supreme Court, you are fired.

An interdict would have been nicer though. Maybe next time.


Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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Deutsche Bank shitcanned its own internal compliance reports to disappear suspicious Trump and Kushner transactions and make sure Treasury never got wind of them? You mean the bank that continued to make loans to Trump after every other lender tapped out, that accepted his overnight doubling of his "net worth" by claiming his brand was worth $4 billion, that continued to write him checks after he defaulted and then sued them claiming the 2008 financial crisis was an "act of God?" Those prudent beancounters cut corners to benefit their wealthy clients? FAM, WE ARE SHOOK.

No, not really. It would be shocking to find out that the private wealth managers let algorithms work their magic on high net worth individuals and turned the reports over to Treasury like they would for some guy making $75,000 who got a $19,000 wire from the Isle of Man. The rules for rich people are different, and Deutsche Bank did not get to be part of the "Global Laundromat" by taking all those anti-money laundering statutes literally. (And if you think the other big banks aren't doing the exact same thing, the Easter Bunny has a bridge to sell you. This is why Elizabeth Warren freaks the finance guys out -- she knows where all the bodies are buried.)

At the same time, this story in the New York Times about Deutsche Bank compliance officer Tammy McFadden getting fired for pointing out Trump and Kush's hinky transactions in 2016 -- including some with Russians, natch -- is pretty ridiculous. With regulators on two continents breathing down their necks for laundering Russian money, DB's private wealth bankers were allowed to swoop in and save their clients from any of that icky federal snooping into their questionable transactions.

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To be honest, we're not 100 percent sure who's right in the argument over whether 2020 Democratic primary candidates should do town halls on Fox News, though we suspect it's Elizabeth Warren, because she's usually right. But if you are going to do it, then Pete Buttigieg showed us all how you should do it, which is to make sure you get all the way under the skin of Fox News's most regular viewer, the chunk of human cells and pigshit who lounges around the White House all day watching TV and apparently not (thank God) doing much work.

In fact, the president was whining hours before the town hall even started:

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